And I hate it because while my mind screams at me to say she is the absolute worst person in the world for shattering my heart, it also tells me she’s the best. Because even at her hands, my broken heart will still undeniably beat for her.
I curse and praise the man who came before me for not giving her exactly what she needed but leading her to me. But fuck him for making her so broken she can’t even understand a love that expects nothing in return.
She’s gone now. And I’ll never be whole again.
I won’t stop searching. Not then, not now. The damage is done. And she made it clear what she wants to do. Because of what I did to her. Am I no better than Ryan?
This won’t be one of those things where my heart was so broken and shattered that I won’t believe in love or that it doesn’t exist. Because it does.
It exists in her.
In me.
In us.
I only ever thought there were two kinds of love. The kind you’d kill for and the kind you’d die for. But she, she is the kind of love I want to fuckinglivefor.
Sam emerges from her loft with a bat in her hand, ready to fight me as the intruder. I didn’t even call, I didn’t warn her and probably scared her.
“Tyler?” She flips the lights on. “Oh, Tyler.” She places a hand over her mouth.
“She left.” I look at my sister through tear blurred eyes. “She left. She fucking left. I don’t know why I didn’t think she would. But she left,” I sob, as if all the pain in my life is finally coming to the surface, and I can’t stop it.
I can’t breathe.I can’t fucking breathe.
The pain, the fucking pain consumes me the way she did. It takes her place. It’s like I have smoke inhalation in the wake of the fire inside her that devoured me and has now been put out. And yet I still desperately want to follow the smoke trail, hoping it will lead me back to her.
Falling to my knees in my sister’s apartment, the sobs take over. I don’t even recognize the sounds coming from my own mouth.I don’t recognize myself.
Sam is immediately on her knees, hugging me as I cry into her neck. “I know, Tyler. I know. I think we all clung to a little bit of hope that she felt safe enough to stay with us.”
I know now that you truly lose a part of yourself when you lose someone you love. And I know that the only thing stronger than my love for Sunny is the pain that comes with missing her. The only thing stronger than that is my need to protect her.
“It’s okay. It’s okay,” she continues.
But it’s not okay. Call me obsessive, call me delusional, call me pathetic. I don’t care. I love that girl. That won’t ever change.
“I thought she changed her mind? I thought she was going to talk to you about meeting with our lawyers?” She cups my face, searching for answers.
“I fucked up. I broke a promise to her. And I hurt her,” I admit.
“What did you do?”
“I’ve been tracking Ryan.”
She stills, nipping at her lip as she contemplates her answer. “I don’t blame you one bit.”
I finally gain my composure, swallow hard and nod.
“Did you find him?” she asks.
“No.” I shake my head. “Not yet.”
“Find him, Tyler. Don’t stop. Find him so our girl can be free.”
I nod because I never planned on stopping.
I know that I’d do his life all over again, if it meant that I could experience these last six months with Sunny again. Even if it had the same ending. I’d go through this pain over and over if it meant I got what we had each time.
