Sheer panic inches over me as I hear the familiar voice. The voice I’ll never forget. The one that made a promise that loomed like a rainy storm over my head.
Ryan’s voice.
I stop breathing. Ican’tbreathe. I try to suck air in, but nothing will fill my lungs. I’m frozen with fear, the phone still against my ear as he speaks again and all my nightmares start coming true all at once with the baritone of his voice.
“Sunny, please.Pleaselet me talk to you. Tell me where you are so I can apologize to you in person. Sunnyplease, I’m so sorry. We can work through this.”
Fucking think Sunny. Think.
I can’t. I’m frozen still, as if the cold winter air finally got the best of me, frosting my bones over, making me immovable.
Hearing my heartbeat in my ears, I feel the blood rushing through my body. My vision starts to go black. Then the flood comes rushing over me, snapping me out of the frozen trance and back into this reality.
How could I have been so careless? So reckless? How did he get my number? Does he know where I am? What if he traces this call?
Feeling the air finally fill into my lungs, I start hyperventilating, sucking in the oxygen my body forgot to give me. I have flashbacks to the night I left, reminding me of all the reasons why I started running in the first place.
I tried Ryan. I tried to help you. To fix you. But you broke me instead.
Rather than hanging up the damn phone, my mind takes me back to the darkness that was that night.
I walked into the door of our apartment to him sitting on the couch, his hands together and knee bouncing. He wouldn’t look at me. Not even ahias I walked inside. When before it used to be forehead kisses, bear hugs and dinner cooking so it’d be fresh for me.
He’s upset.
“Hey, honey. You got my text right? The night shift nurse didn’t show up, so I stayed a little later until they got a cover forthe patients.” I kicked my shoes off and placed my backpack down on the ground.
I remember every little detail.
I sent him a text, but he never responded, despite the fact it was read. The emergency department was swamped, and they needed help. I was waiting for the nine pm shift to come in for coverage over my patients.
I was just doing my job, Ryan.
He sat on the couch, his fingers drumming, which was always a telltale sign of his anger, and the muscle in his jaw ticking as he ground his teeth together. His brown hair falling in his brown eyes that flicked to me and I saw nothing but anger in them. A look I’d become all too familiar with.
I knew it was going to be a bad night, I just didn’t realize it’d bethatkind of a bad night.
I didn’t want to deal with this, not after the fifteen hour day I’d just had.Not tonight, Ryan.
“Where were you really?” he ground out.
“What do you mean? I was at work.”
After a few years, Ryan had started to become possessive. I’d noticed during nursing school, when he’d question my hours away from home or why I needed to go to the library to study and couldn’t do it at home. When I became a nurse, it became worse.
It became easy for Ryan to obsess over a small comment I’d make that I didn’t think twice about. My whereabouts always at the forefront of his mind.
“Did you eat? Maybe we can order a pizza?” I tried to change the subject, noting there was no food prepared for dinner as I walked over to him.
I didn’t take my stethoscope off.
I didn’t take it off.
“No, I didn’t eat because you didn’t respond to me. Now don’t fucking lie to me.” He stood up.
I winced at his aggression and hescoffedat my reaction. As if, he’d never been close to hitting me before. It was always so close but never actually me. It’s how I justified staying with him.
The wall behind my head.
