“Maybe I’ll just get an easel and paint here.” I shrug.
My mother has such an artistic soul that rubbed off a little on me. I wouldn’t say I’m good, not like my mother anyways. I’m only decent, and I like painting as a mindless task. Mindless is what I need right now. Too much time in my own mind is dangerous.
We’d sit outside in the sun, covered in paint, painting anything our hearts desire. My parents really gave me the most unconventional upbringing, but I loved every minute of it. I washomeschooled up until high school because they felt that was where some major social milestones needed to be made.
That’s how I met Ryan.
“Sunny girl, you’ve got to get out. Make some friends,” she encourages. Though she tries to hide it, the look in her eyes shows me how desperately she wants the girl I used to be back.
“What’s the point?” I ask. “I’m not staying.”
I’m not who I used to be, but eventually I’ll get better. I won’t be the same. This version of me is going to have cracks, but maybe once I get my light again, it’ll be able to bleed through.
“Just live your life, Sunny,” she says. “That's all you can do.”
There’s truth to her words. But the definition of living is different to every person. Mine has changed. It was rewritten the day he ripped out the page of my book that inked the foundation of who I am. Now I have to rewrite it, but my hand is too shaky as it sits on a blank page. Because if I don’t write anything at all, no one can take it from me again.
I plaster a weak smile. “I’ll try.”
We say our goodbyes, and I’m left with the sounds of the bustling city through my open window and my heart beating heavily in my chest.
I clutch a mug of tea and steady my breathing, despite my eyes double checking the lock on the door.Looking For Alaskaby John Green sits in my lap, so I place my mug of tea on the arm rest and thumb through the pages.
I risked the few seconds I had while Ryan was knocked out to swipe it off the nightstand and head out the door. Call it reckless, but he already took so much, I wouldn’t let him try to take that again, too.
I’d never related to Alaska until now, as I sit in the middle of my own labyrinth, unsure of which way to go in order to get out. Maybe somehow, I’ll find the clues between the words printed on the pages. Or maybe we just never get out.
The crisp September night air flows through my open window. I’m not used to the cold, but it’s a nice change. I’ve never lived alone until now. So the constant quiet is unfamiliar. Eerie. But somehow exactly what I need, even if it is a little unsettling.
I tell myself that I will get myself back.I have to. I have to move forward. Even if it’s running from him. It’s still forward, nonetheless.
And what if you’re running from a ghost?
A part of me died the day I left but another part was created. Gently I’m molding that new, vulnerable part of myself, unsure of what it’ll be yet. Desperately trying to gather my broken, jagged pieces, even if I keep getting cut by them.
It’s only been a month, but I’m not okay with him taking more of my time than he already did. My mother was onto something, I guess.
Just live your life, Sunny.
TYLER
Sitting in a booth in our favorite bar, I watch my family as they bustle around Martha’s. Owned by an ex-biker who’ll kick anyone out who causes issues — Cole and I are proof of that.
You wouldn’t expect a man who owns millions to be here, but something about the stale beer smell and walls lined with arcade games calls me back every time. I also can’t forget the drunk bastards who dance on the rickety dance floor. It’s our own personal comedy show when we play at the pool tables.
If I’m being honest, it’s a fucking hole in the wall. But it’sourhole in the wall. I enjoy places like this because I can simply be Tyler. Not Mr. Caddell, not son of Mitchell Caddell, not hitman, not predator. Only Tyler.
Initiation was to prove I’d remain loyal, to ensure my reach is limitless when it came to running and protecting our company. To do anything in my power to protect it and do my jobs without question, without hesitation. Little did I know that initiation began the moment my lungs filled with air as I entered this world.
My family is the anchor that keeps me grounded when I feel like I’m being sent into a dark oblivion. I’m convinced that’s another reason my father is the way he is. He let the power and the money take over, and he became more and more hungry for it, never being able to satisfy that need. He didn’t have people who loved him. Loyal out of fear, sure. But love? I wonder if he knows what that feels like.
While Cole and I start a game of pool, Sam, Anthony, and Macey chat at the table. This is where we met Macey. While her age difference may not seem so significant, she’s still found her role as the little sister, the little fragile bird we all try to protect because she is the only one to not be born into the world we live in.
The lucky one.
It didn’t take long to realize she’d been stood up by a date considering her hair and makeup were done up way nicer than what should exist in a bar like this. Shortly after, we welcomed her with open arms and she just simply never left.
After everyone went home, I made sure the man who stood her up knew the right way to treat a woman. You never leave a woman alone at a fucking bar. No matter how bad the date is going, you make sure she gets home safely like a man should.
