The door opens, and there she is.
“Jace?” she asks, as she stands there with a confused look on her face.
Running my hand through my hair, “Hi, uhh…” then all words cease to exist in my brain. I can’t think of anything to say. Why am I here? She’s standing there looking at me wondering what the hell I’m up to, looking at me expectantly. I clear my throat, “I just needed to see you. Can we talk?”
She opens the door wider, “Sure, come in.”
I step through the threshold past her and get a wave of her scent. She always smells like her favorite caramel and vanilla latte andGod,I miss that smell. We walk through her house to the living room, and she motions for me to have a seat on the sofa.
I don’t sit immediately. I scan the room, my eyes landing on a stack of books on the coffee table, a half-finished knitting project in a basket, a framed photo of her and Emma laughing at the beach. It’s a life. A real, breathing life that I haven’t been a part of. Every detail feels like a sharp jab to my ribs, a reminder that while I was on a downhill spiral with Sierra, Sarah was out here living. She was building a world that didn’t require me, and the fear that I might be too late to fit into it nearly chokes me. The air in here is warmer than my truck, filled with the hum of her refrigerator and the distant ticking of a clock, but I feel like I’m standing on thin ice.
”I’m sure you heard that Sierra and I finalized our divorce. Or I’m not even sure you knew we were getting one.” I say as I stareat the floor. I’m afraid that if I look up at her it’ll undo me, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that just yet.
”Yeah, Emma told me. I’m so sorry, Jace.”
”It was a long time coming. I wasn’t the man she deserved.” I take a deep breath and swallow hard so I can get the next words out. “I wasn’t the man she deserved because I’ve always been in love with someone else.” There, it’s out there and I can’t take it back.
I look up now and her face is wary, guarded almost with a little confusion mixed in. “Jace…” she starts but stops, looking down at her hands wringing in her lap. “I… why are you here?” She asks as she looks back up at me and the devastation in her eyes guts me.
”Please tell me you didn’t come here because you thought I would just jump into your arms? Because I can’t.” She says those last words as what sounds like a sob escapes her.
And again, I’m gutted. Does she think I left Sierra for her or that I broke my marriage up to be with her. Fuck! What the hell am I doing?
”Sarah, I’m…” I want to say sorry but I’m not. I need her to know that I love her. That the end of my marriage to Sierra had nothing to do with her but at the same time, it had everything to do with her.
“I should go,” I say as I stand up and walk towards the door. She doesn’t follow me, she just stays on the couch, motionless but Ican feel the confusion and guilt radiating off of her from here. Reaching for the door handle, I look back over at her. “For what it's worth, I’ve always loved you and what happened between Sierra and I isn’t your fault.”
I get to my car, opening the door but before I can get in I hear Sarah’s voice. “Jace, wait.”
I stop and turn to her. “Don’t go.”
That’s it. That’s the sound of the final wall crumbling. I don't think about it, the neighbors watching, or the fact that I’m essentially a walking red flag right now. All I hear is the break in her voice, the same break I’ve heard in my own head every night for as long as she’s been out of my life. I don’t just walk back; I run. My boots are heavy on the pavement, my heart hammering against my ribs like it’s trying to beat its way out of my chest and into her arms.
As soon as I reach her, our arms wrap around each other. “Don’t go, please.”
That’s all I need to hear. I lift her off her feet and carry her inside. My mouth crashes into hers, it’s all teeth and tongue and desperation. “Bedroom?” I question, pulling my mouth off of hers.
“Yes.” She says with no hesitation, then her mouth is back on mine.
I lead us down the hall and into the room, I kick the door shut as we make it inside. I see the bed and everything in me surges forward at once.
My mouth finds hers, hungry, reckless, and she pulls my shirt over my head like she’s wanted to do it for years.
Her whisper hits my ear, breathless. “I need you Jace."
I pull the hem of her shirt up and over her head as she reaches for the waistband of my jeans, attempting to undo them. I assist, then start with her leggings, slipping my hands into the waistband and pulling them down her legs until they are off. I toss them on the floor where our shirts are now laying.
I drag my mouth down her throat, across her chest, relearning every inch of her but it’s like muscle memory and not something I've ever forgotten.
She goes still under me, her breath catching like she’s trying to hold it together. Her fingers curl tight into the sheets, knuckles white, and a broken sound slips out like she’s swallowing a sob.
I freeze and it hits me then.
And the brutal understanding lands: whatever this is for me… it isn’t the same thing for her
This is about love.
But it isn’t in the same place for both of us yet, and she deserves the space to get there without feeling like she owes me anything.She deserves more than being pulled forward before she’s ready. Especially by me.
