“Or more reckless,” Lila says, taking a bite of the apple. “It might make you act on impulse.”
“I’ll hold her back,” Grace chuckles. “She won’t do anything stupid.”
“Okay, but I seriously need to leave right about now,” I take my bag with trembling hands.
Because I made the mistake of looking in Soren’s direction, and seeing the moment Cassia kissed him. My stomach dropped, something akin to a knife twisting in my gut. And the pain lingers, even after I look away from them.
All of this hurts way more than I thought it would.
???
The library is rather empty. The librarian is behind the desk, reading a book, and glancing up from time to time, shushing people who are getting louder. Only a handful of tables are full, and it’s mainly students from my year, preparing for our final exams.
I find an empty table in the back of the library and slump into the wooden chair. I pull out all of my textbooks, notebooks, and pens, alongside a water bottle, my phone, and a pair of noise-canceling headphones, so everything else fades into the background, and I can focus on studying.
Studying has always been my escape. It’s the only time when I’m able to force myself into full concentration mode, and nothing else manages to sneak into my brain. I’m entirely lost in the material in front of me, my eyes skimming over the words a couple of times, before pulling out the most important bits on the paper.
The silence is comforting. There’s nothing except the books, the notes, and myself, and that makes me feel at ease. Because for a while, I didn’t think it would be possible to shove Soren to the back of my head. He’s been constantly on my mind, lingering, and even appearing in my dreams. And all of it hurts because all my life, I was seen as an extension of my parents. Mom and Dad have given me a privileged life, and I love them more than words can ever describe. That’s why I’ve been working so hard to make them proud.
The only reason I accepted getting into the business was to make them proud. I know they would never object if I were to choose a different career path, but then everything they taught me would’vebeen for nothing. And disappointing them is the least thing I want to do.
Which is why all of this with Soren is hurting so much. Mom warned me; she didn’t like him, and she made that painfully obvious. It hurts because, although she didn’t say it outright, she was, in a way, disappointed.
I went against my better judgment and trusted Soren.
And he tossed me aside like garbage, like a used rug that he no longer has any use for. I don’t know why I’m surprised. I don’t know why my heart feels like it’s being continuously stabbed, pierced with a million tiny needles on repeat. It’s affected my sleep and even my ability to follow the lessons.
I’ve been snappier and it’s been easier to get on my nerves. I’m trying my best to control the rage inside of me, but when such an amount of anger is mixed with so much pain, it’s bound to create a catastrophic bomb, and I’m scared for myself. I don’t know how I’ll handle confronting Soren.
I need to do it. If anything, just for my peace of mind. I know I haven’t been the easiest person to communicate with, but I didn’t deserve this. No one deserves this, to be thrown aside, and to be replaced like I never even mattered.
A small tap comes to my shoulder, and I flinch. I remove the headphones, turning around with chills running down my body. Then, I sigh when I spot Damien. He has a soft smile on his face, then takes a seat on the empty chair across from me.
“I’m sorry if I scared you.”
“It’s alright,” I chuckle. “What are you doing here?”
“You haven’t been answering your phone,” he says, and I take the phone. My eyes widen when I see the time — I’ve been stuck inside the library for over two hours, and I could’ve sworn it was lessthan an hour. There are a handful of messages from the group chat, and two missed calls from Damien. “Huh, I didn’t see it. I’m sorry. Is everything okay?”
“Oh, it is,” he smiles. “I just wanted to check up on you, and Avalon said you’d be here. How are you doing, Soph?”
I shrug, feigning nonchalance. “I’m alright. Why?”
He’s silent for a moment, then he speaks, lowering his voice just in case. “I saw the image, Soph. Everyone did. And I know you’ve been involved with Soren.”
“Oh. Are you judging me?”
“What? No, no,” he shakes his head. “I’m your friend. I’m here if you want to talk to anyone about it. I’m guessing it’s not easy for you.”
Damien reaches over the table, taking my hand in his. He gives me a soft squeeze, and I release a deep sigh. It’s weird talking about my issues with Soren with another man, but then again, that’s exactly what I might need right now.
“It’s really not,” I lean back in the chair, staring at the shelf filled with books behind Damien. “I’m not sure what happened. Everything was going well, and then he just… stopped answering my calls, or acknowledging me at all, really. I’m not sure what I did wrong.”
“You probably didn’t do anything wrong, Soph,” he says, giving me another small squeeze, then pulls his hand back. “Men are shit. I know it probably won’t make your heartache better, but you’ve always been out of his league. He doesn’t deserve you; he never did.”
“It does help a little,” I smile. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
