I took a deep breath to collect myself. “Calvin, I love you.” His face paled as I calmly continued. “But I also love your mom and your grandma. I love Melody and Garrett and Olivia. I care about Patrick and Casper and Cami and Teddy and Gloria and every single person that makes up the community of Love.” My words sped up as I listed all the people who’d had an impact in helping me pick up the pieces of my soul.
These were people who helped me discover new parts of myself along the way. The puzzle I pieced together and saw when I looked into the mirror each morning was a work of art and labour that I admired. I had sculpted myself into the most favourite version of myself I’d ever been and there was no chance I was giving that up.
“I did this for you, but I also did this for them. And even more than that, I did this forme. I don’t need anything more from you because you’ve already helped to give me back my life. I hope you’ll be part of the journey, butthis…” I said, pointing down to the floorboard that he had ripped up. “I am going to make this happen whether you want to witness it or not.”
I turned around with angry tears streaming down my face, but I made a point of not storming out of the rail house and instead calmly walked away. This was my space now and I refused to let anyone chase me from it. However, I did need to put some distance between us for the time being. There was work to be done.
“Fuck!” I yelled, taking off my hat and throwing it against the floor. A cloud of dust was disturbed in its wake.
Why the fuck would she purchase this building? Of all the things to spend 3.5 million dollars on, I couldn’t believe this rotting pile of junk was what she decided to be worth it.
Not only was I a failure to my family, but the woman I loved was going to fall right down that same pit with us.
I love her.
And was too much of a fucking idiot in my rage to say it back to her when she told me. I should have groveled at her feet for what she did for my family, but I couldn’t stomach the fact that she had money like that. It felt wasted on me. I had nothing to offer her, no way to provide for her.
I felt like there was an impossible standard to meet for my whole entire life, but this was a new level of failure that I didn’t know if I would ever come back from.
The old bench creaked in protest as I lowered myself onto it and hung my head in my hands, unable to even look at the space surrounding me anymore. I let the feeling of hopelessness takeover. Maybe, if I was lucky, I would just fade away. The same way this old rail house had been over the years.
The sky was starting to change colours as the late afternoon sun set when a soft hand found my back and someone sat beside me. It may have been cold, but I couldn’t feel it through the raging war in my mind.
“Oh, my sweet boy. There you are.” Grandma Trixie’s voice brought me back to my childhood, to all the times I sat in her lap while tears streamed down my face, and she seemed to be the only one who could comfort me.
I wiped at a tear that escaped now.
“Why did he leave us like this?” I couldn’t wrap my head around everything that happened, with Stella buying my farm and my family being so in debt, but I kept coming back around to the same question.How could my dad put us in this position?
I heard Grandma Trixie take a deep steadying breath before sadly answering. “I don’t think he meant to, but I also don’t think he tried very hard to prevent it from happening either.”
“But I did.” I gritted my teeth with my response. I had tried so hard, and not just to pull my family out of debt, but to gain that approval from my dad, too. Even before he left us, I always felt like there was more I should have been doing. I should have gotten better grades in school, or maybe I should have dropped out so I could have helped sooner. I didn’t know what the right call would have been, but it felt obvious that at every turn I had made the wrong one. “Why wasn’t I ever good enough for him?”
“Oh no, you don’t,” Grandma Trixie said. “Don’t you dare letyour thoughts go there for even a second. I loved your daddy—and I always will—but for some reason he wasn’t very good at loving back. I used to think it was me, something I had done in raising him that caused him that trouble. But then I look at how hard you love, and I know I couldn’t have possibly made a single mistake.
“Dennis was always a little more difficult,” Grandma Trixie continued while she held my hand, squeezing it gently as she talked. “It was like he viewed everyone as being against him. Minor inconveniences were never just that, they ended up being the end of the world. If something went wrong, it was an attack against him. And when things went right, it was because they should have. There was no remorse, but there was also no gratitude. I thought being with your mama would help. And for a time, it seemed like she did. But her and I both learned a hard lesson, that love can’t heal unless you allow it to. Unless youwantit to.”
“And he didn’t want to.” My voice was barely audible. I remembered making mistakes as a child, simple things like spilled milk or a broken toy, and it always felt like a catastrophe instead of a simple accident. Maybe that was why I had been so hard on myself for mistakes now, even as an adult. Why I tried so hard to take care of everyone and do everything right.
“Even if he did, I don’t think he would have been capable. His heart didn’t love in the way yours does. It didn’t see other people’s hurt and want to turn it into something better. He never noticed the work of others and felt the desire to lend a helping hand. He never loved your mom in the way that you love Stella.”
“Grandma, what have I done?” The mention of Stella reminded me of how much I hurt her. The way I yelled at her wasn’t love at all. I felt ashamed for how I had treated her.
“Do you even know what her plan is?”
I shook my head. “I had no idea she was going to spend that kind of money.”
Grandma laughed, and it caught me by surprise. “I don’t mean buying this building. Of course, she wasn’t going to tell you about that. Do you really think you would have agreed?” she asked, giving me a look that told me she already knew the answer.
“No, I guess not.”
“Exactly. So do you know what her plan is with this space?” Grandma questioned me again.
I shook my head. “I didn’t even let her explain before I barged in here, telling her it was a stupid idea. Mom just told me all our debt was paid because Stella bought the rail house, and I lost it.”
“We are sure lucky that girl has one unbreakable spirit then. Stella has been so moved by the fact that our wedding chapel burned down all those years ago, so she plans to transform this space to give us one back.”
What?I knew Stella loved the wedding photos in the post office and the stories behind them, but I had no idea she was planning something like this.
