I felt pure satisfaction at seeing him come apart in this way and knowing I was the cause of it.
“May I?” he asked as he reached up toward the hem of my sweater, trailing his fingers against my bare skin.
“Yes, please.”
I desperately wanted his touch. His gentle pressure was at odds with his calloused hands and I craved more.
I arched my back as his hand went higher from my stomach to slowly trail my ribs, and then eventually make contact as his finger and thumb gently pinched my nipple. He kissed along my neck, murmuring sweet nothings about how good I smelt, how good I felt, how good I tasted. It waseverythingI needed.
Until it wasn’t.
My heart rate suddenly picked up rapidly. My breath that was once whisper-soft was quick and a struggle to intake. Instead of the tingles of pleasure running along my skin, it began to crawl. And I was hot. So, so hot. And not from lust but from pure panic.
“Stella?” Calvin’s voice sounded underwater and a million miles away, but I tried to keep performing. I tried to keep grinding on his lap and reaching up to touch his arms, to kiss his neck. I told him yes and I didn’t want to let him down.
“Wildflower, stop. Breathe with me for a sec.”
His hands found my hips first and stopped them from moving. He had pulled my sweater back down to cover me up, and I hadn’t even noticed. Bringing his hands to my cheeks, he tilted my forehead down to meet his.
Saying nothing, he took a deep breath in, holding his inhale for a few seconds, and then let it go slowly and controlled. I tried to mimic his next one and I was still too fast, but his soft touch and continued breaths encouraged me to try again.
Eventually, our breathing fell in sync. The black around my vision faded away. My skin stopped crawling with a thousand spiders, and I came up from under the water.
“I’m so sorry,” I said softly, admitting my fault.
“Oh, love, why would you be sorry?” He was using that voice again, soothing just like a song.
“I said yes, and then panicked…I think maybe it was too soon. Can we just cuddle instead?”
I thought I’d see disappointment in his face, but instead he beamed. “I would love nothing more.”
Calvin stood with his arms holding me under my thighs. My arms wrapped around his neck and my legs around his waist. I buried my face into his neck and giggled softly.
“I can walk, you know.”
“I do know that. I also know that I can carry you. And if I have the option to have you in my arms or not, I’m always going to choose to hold you.”
As Calvin carried me to his bedroom, there may have still been some sexual tension, but he was nothing but attentive as he showed me where he kept some extra toothbrushes.
I snagged a shirt from a nearby chair to sleep in, and when I came out of the bathroom all ready for bed and wearing his shirt that smelled incredibly like him, his eyes looked at me in a way that almost made me regret my request to just snuggle.
Then he flipped the blankets over, and I burst out laughing. He had been lying under the covers in the most ridiculous unicorn onesie.
“Mel got it for me for Christmas last year and it’s the comfiest thing I own,” he said without an ounce of embarrassment. The way this man owned himself and loved his family made me weak.
I crawled into bed next to him, and there was zero hesitation as he grabbed my hand, pulling it to his mouth to give it a quick kiss. He then guided me to turn to face away from him as he rounded his chest against my back and wrapped me in the most perfect little cocoon.
The way we fit together made me believe that maybe I could put all my broken pieces back together, too, and re-emerge as something entirely new.
I shotout of bed and ran like hell to the bathroom, throwing myself on the floor in front of the toilet just in time to empty the contents of what felt like my entire being.
“You okay in there?” a sweet voice sounded, followed by a soft knock on the door.
Oh god. I had just thrown up after a sleepover with Calvin. What the fuck? My first thought was that I was pregnant—it was a constant fear the last little while when I was with Nick. That was stupid, though. There was no way I was pregnant. I hadn’t had sex for months, was on the pill, and my period had been regular.
Then I thought back to last night. The way I felt under the weather in the bar, the way I couldn’t warm up when I was with Calvin. Maybe it even had something to do with my overheating panic attack.
Suddenly, the room started spinning and my head was pounding as my face found the cool porcelain once again.
