It was still an awkward subject for me to consider what Ididdeserve. I knew it wasn’t the torture Nick put me through, but I also wasn’t sure what I could be deserving of after being broken beyond repair.
“Where are we going?” I asked, changing the subject. I had never actually been in Canada before, so I was excited to do a little more sight-seeing now that I wasn’t white knuckling my steering wheel and fighting tears like the state I was in when I arrived at Love.
Mel turned around in the front seat with her cell in hand. “I’ve booked us thecutestAirbnb for the weekend,” she said, turning her phone to show me a picture of a living room that looked like it could have been on Pinterest.The all-white walls and minimalistic decor was a stark difference from what I had been growing used to at Trixie’s bed and breakfast, but I was excited for a weekend with these girls, nonetheless.
By the end of the next day, I felt like an entirely new woman than I had twenty-four hours prior. We arrived in Saskatoon late in the evening and grabbed a couple pizzas on our way to the Airbnb. Throwing on chick flick after chick flick, we did nothing but laugh and cry until we fell asleep on a pile of pillows and blankets in the living room like we were kids at a sleepover. Itdid things to heal my inner child that I never even realized needed attending to.
After a morning at the spa and an afternoon full of shopping, we were planning to hit up a bar for some dancing to bring our wonderful weekend to a close.
Searching through my bags of new clothes brought a huge smile to my face. I didn’t pack much when I left Salt Lake City, and over the course of the last couple weeks I was growing tired of my usual legging and sweater combo. I was grateful Olivia had lent me a dress the night we went out to Heartstrings, but I was excited to have some clothes of my own.
Clothes that felt likeme.
Nick controlled a lot of what I wore when we had been together. At first, I thought it was cute. Of course, I wanted to dress up in ways that impressed him and made him look twice at me. It felt goodin the beginning. But that quickly switched gears when I was berated for just wanting to be comfortable when I was on my period, or when he turned up his nose at me saying my state wasappallingwhen I finished a rather tough workout. I could never justbe.
Smiling, I pulled out a dress that Nick would havehated,and as I put it on, I never felt more beautiful. It was a black flowy fabric with a blue floral print. A slit up my left leg provided more movement to the dress and a deep V-cut in the font was more flattering than I thought it would be for my small chest. The sleeves billowed as I moved, and I paired the dress with a belt to cinch at the waist and a brand new pair of comfortable cowboy boots. I felt stunning, and the girls must have agreed as they hooted and hollered when I walked out of the bedroom at the Airbnb.
“Wow, girl! Get it!” Melody cheered while Olivia whistled.
We laughed and linked arms with each other as we piled into the back of the Uber.
The drive passed by in a blur of city lights that suddenly hadme flashing back to nights in Salt Lake City. Big cities all seemed similar in the dark, but as my breath caught, Melody rested her hand on top of my clenched fists in my lap. I hadn’t even realized I’d been shaking until her touch soothed me.
“Just say the word and we can go back to the Airbnb, okay? There’s no pressure at all.”
I nodded, but words failed me.
“But remember, he wins if you stop living,” Olivia added quietly from beside Mel.
“Exactly! And we are not in the business of letting assholes win,” Melody declared.
That brought a genuine smile back to my face as we pulled up in front of the bar that was nothing like a place Nick would have been caught dead in. And that only made me want to go inside even more.
I looked toward my new friends, beyond grateful for the way they had infiltrated my life. “Well, in the words in Shania Twain, ‘let’s go, girls!’”
I felt light as a feather as I danced around with Mel and Liv in the bar. We found ourselves at The Rainbow, a gay bar that shined and sparkled. I was having the time of my life with the loud music, the booming bass, the laser lights and disco ball refractions. The drinks also helped to loosen me up, and I was just about to grab another one when someone tapped my shoulder.
“Would you like to dance?”
I turned toward the deep voice that sparked a memory in my mind, but it wasn’t the green eyes I was hopeful to see. The brown eyes of a stranger in the bar smiled down at me.
“My name is Steven, and I couldn’t help but notice you over here.” He seemed sweet as he politely looked only into my eyes as he asked me to dance, but I didn’t feel anything more in that moment.
Before I could even answer, Olivia and Melody pushed me toward him. “Yes, she does!” they said almost simultaneously.
I couldn’t turn down the genuine smile on this guy’s face, so I took his hand as he led me to the dance floor. We twisted and turned to the beat of the music with his hands on my hips, sometimes venturing a little lower but responding respectfully when I guided his hands back up.
Dancing with Steven felt freeing in the sense that I finally knew I was no longer tied to Nick. Though he had hurt me, both physically and mentally, I knew it was just a matter of time before all the emotional wounds healed just as the physical ones had. And this night was proof of that.
But Steven’s hands felt nothinglike the warmth and comfort I had received from Calvin when he held me after I’d broken the vase. They didn’t even compare to the spark and heat I felt when we danced together at Heartstrings. Paled in comparison to the security I felt as he held my hand on the way back to the bed and breakfast.
I thanked Steven for the dances as I left and found my friends, a genuine smile on my face but ready to end the night with people who were beginning to become my whole world.
Planning the Harvest Bonfire over the next month passed by with a new spark of hope. Everyone pitched in to get things ready for the big event. Even Stella fell completely in sync with my family, working well with everyone. After the girls’ weekend with Melody and Olivia, she seemed like an entirely new person. Lighter and freer. The tension that had been between us had seemed to ease and a comfortable routine was built as the leaves changed colours, and fall graced the farmyard.
She joked around with Garrett and made him laugh harder than I had seen him in a while. She was learning so much from Grandma Trixie when it came to gardening and harvesting. And was also finding time to bond with my mom while they enjoyed their morning coffee together and chatted about what books they were currently reading. Stella spent hours upon hours in the fields of wildflowers, and even as most faded for the season she still created the most exquisite bouquets, sometimes just with grasses and dried wheat stems that she placed all over Grandma Trixie’s deck and kitchen. They were like little reminders of her beauty everywhere I looked. Not that I needed them whenshewas almost everywhere I looked as well. Stella had alreadyembedded herself into every area of my life, from the morning coffees to the family dinners, it was no wonder I couldn’t get her out of my mind.
“Stella, could you help me with something?” I called from across the yard as everyone was setting things up for this weekend. I had an idea to convert the barn for our autumn festival, but I wanted her input and expertise.
