“For a couple of days.”
“That’s too bad,” she said once he’d lifted his head from an unspoken prayer. “Mr. Ames had mentioned a holiday party in town, planned for after services. The children would have enjoyed it.”
“We couldn’t go regardless,” Jackson said between bites of venison pie. “The trip would take too long in the wagon, and the children would be difficult to manage on horseback.” He forked another portion but stopped and stared at it. “I’d saved to purchase a buggy,” he muttered, his voice thick with resentment, “but I bought a headstone, instead.”
Caroline sipped her tea and let his comment fade. She didn’t want to add fuel to his bitterness, even though he had good reason to feel it.
Jackson picked at his meal, then laid down his fork and pushed his plate away. He lifted his eyes and pinned her with a stony gaze. “Why did you bring the dog?”
She stared at him, unsettled by his expression and his tone. “Noah wanted him so. And I truly thought you’d find a way to keep the children here.”
“How? I’d already exhausted every possibility.”
“Can’t you hire someone to live here and care for them?”
“Out here with a widower, alone? No respectable woman would take the job.”
“What about a freed slave?”
“There aren’t any I know as well as Celia. But the point is moot. I won’t entrust my children to a stranger.”
Caroline set down her cup and looked up at him tentatively. “I could stay a little longer, give you more time.”
“That’s only putting off the inevitable.” He took his napkin from his lap and chucked it onto his plate. “No. This storm won’t last, but we’re heading into the worst of winter. I need to send them before we get snowed in.”
Jackson’s reasons were solid, but there was more to his sour mood than coping with a maddening predicament. “Are you angry with me?”
He didn’t respond, just looked in her general direction, as if he was ashamed to meet her gaze.
“I apologize if I overstepped,” Caroline said sincerely. “I thought I was doing a good thing for you.”
“You are, it’s just… Leaving is going to be hard enough on the children. What if Peggy refuses to take the dog?”
“Then he can stay here and be a companion for you. You’re going to need one.”
Jackson stared at his half-eaten food, then raised his head and looked straight at her with earnest eyes. “What I need is you.”
Caroline’s breathing stalled as the wind wailed all around her. She’d longed to hear those words—craved them—six years ago.
The hope that had lit Jackson’s eyes disappeared. “I won’t make you say it. You’d rather be with Walsh.”
“No. That isn’t true,” she said in a quiet voice. “I broke things off.”
His lips parted as confusion worked its way through his brow. “Then why won’t you give me another chance?”
“Part of me wants to, but…”
He raked a hand through his hair then laid it palm up on the table. “I wish I could go back and change the past, but I can’t. I’ve set aside my pride and explained my reasons, I’ve apologized, and I’ve assured you of my love. I don’t know what more I can do.
“I know you meant well with your visit,” he continued in a resigned tone when she didn’t respond, “but once you leave, I think it’s best if we part ways. Being near you and not being able to have you hurts too much.”
His words landed like a punch, but they lent sudden clarity. The problem didn’t lie with Jackson.
After venting her anger in the barn, she’d listened to him, understood his reasons, and felt his anguish. She’d even shifted the blame to Ross, but all that was irrelevant.
Mercy wasn’t the same as forgiveness.
Tears gathered in her eyes and rolled down her face. “You’re not the one who needs a second chance,” she said in a broken voice. “I am.”
