“Oh,” she said. “Well, all right, I suppose I see that.”
“So,” I said, “in the future, it will be different.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
As it happened, I need not have worried about the ball invitation, for it came from my aunt herself, who barreled back into our household and sat her very round form down and lectured us from her open notebook, where she had written down a number of notes on what she wished to say to us both.
“It is imperative,” Lady Matlock said to my wife, “that you are mostly silent.”
Elizabeth raised her eyebrows and said nothing.
“You are saying nothing,” said Lady Matlock.
“I am attempting to be mostly silent,” said Elizabeth in a beatific voice.
“I do not mean now,” said Lady Matlock. “I mean at the ball at Lady Feasington’s, obviously. At the ball, which I have procured invitations to for you both, Mrs. Darcy must be mostly silent. Getting these invitations was not easy, mind you, Darcy, for everyone has heard of what happened and no one wishes to be the first person to host you and your ankle-breaking siren of a country miss, but Lady Feasington can be prevailed upon if one knows how to talk to her, which I do, and so I have brought all this about. You could be grateful, of course.”
“Thank you, Lady Matlock,” said my wife with a perfunctory smile.
“No, not like that,” said my aunt. “Are you incapable of sounding genuine, my dear?”
“We’re ever so grateful,” I said.
My aunt let out a huff of frustration. “Oh, you are much worse, Darcy! You sound devoid of any actual feeling.”
“Apologies,” I said.
“You do not sound sorry,” said my aunt.
I shrugged, attempting to look regretful. What more did she want from me, truly?
She huffed again, turning back to Elizabeth. “Certainly, you must not tell jokes, not the way you did at the dinner at my house.”
“Yes, I have been told that I was far too funny,” said Elizabeth in a grave voice.
My aunt’s nostrils flared. “You see, there, what you’re doing, you are poking fun at me.”
“Certainly not,” said Elizabeth. “I would never do such a thing.”
My aunt narrowed her eyes.
Elizabeth remained expressionless.
“This is why you must remain silent,” said my aunt. “I cannot tell if you are serious or sarcastic, and it is very unnerving.” She glared at us both.
I wanted to start laughing. I managed to school my expression and to keep the laughter in.
“I was going to give you some pointers on what little conversation you could engage in, but I think it better that you do not. You are newlyweds, and so you will be forgiven for dancing only with each other. Do that. Do not dance with others. Do not speak with others. Smile, and answer questions with one or two words. Do not stay longer than an hour. Arrive late. Leave early. Be only pleasant.” She sighed, shaking her head at us. “Have I made myself plain?”
“Oh, entirely,” said Elizabeth.
“Good,” said Lady Matlock, getting to her feet. “Now, let us go and look at your wardrobe. If you haven’t got anything appropriate, we shall have something else made up or altered.”
“You will not wear the dress she picked out,” I said, standing in the doorway of Elizabeth’s bedchamber.
She looked up at me, giving me a small, mischievous smile. “No?”
“Definitely not,” I said. “It will be our first message to her. And you definitely will not be silent.”
