I began to muse that I should have gone to London, to my aunt’s and uncle’s house on Gracechurch Street. My sister Jane was there. I should have gone to Jane.
Perhaps I still could. Perhaps I could—
Not on horseback again, though. I simply did not have that in me, not again. I was amazed I had managed it the first time, in fact.
And, at any rate, Jane could do nothing for me. She would not believe me either. No one could believe me.
I had come here, but now, I felt more alone than I had felt since I had begun repeating Thursdays. I felt terribly and awfully alone.
Coming here had been an impulsive decision, so it wasn’t as if I had spent a great deal of time thinking it all through. It had seemed right, however, then. Now, it began to feel wrong and foolish and stupid.
But then, while I was walking, I stumbled upon Mr. Darcy, who was sleeping in the fields outside Longbourn.
He scrambled to his feet and ran a hand through his hair and looked me over.
“You followed me,” I said.
“Obviously,” he said.
“Obviously?” I folded my arms over my chest. “I should have thought it was obvious I was trying to get away from you.”
“Well, I was worried about you. You think I’m going to simply accept that you are off in the wide world all alone with all the dangers that come along with that? You’re mywife, Elizabeth.”
My mouth dropped all the way open and I made a noise in my throat. He had justsaidthat.
He raised his gaze to mine. “I mean, of course, we haven’t made it official, and I haven’t done it right, but I will if you’ll only accept—” He broke off, understanding flashing over his expression.
“Mr. Darcy,” I said in a low and even voice. “I did not wish you to accompany me here.”
He ran a hand through his hair again. He had slept outside for a bit, and his clothes were dirty and he smelled of sweat and he looked unkempt, and… for some reason, I found myself thinking this made him look even more handsome. Dash this man to the depths and back again! He swallowed. “That is justit, though, isn’t it? You have not accepted me. Never once. No matter how I have asked, you have not.”
“You mean, asked to marry you?” I said.
“You do not wish to marry me, madam,” he said.
“I…” I looked over my shoulder at Longbourn in the distance. “I never said that.”
“You have not said that,” he said. “But you have not said that you would like to be my wife either. You said you wanted me, and that is not the same thing.” He turned away. “Perhaps I should not have come after you.”
“I would be foolish not to accept your offer of marriage,” I said stoutly. “And it makes even less sense now, in this half-life, this world in which nothing changes.”
He eyed me, furrowing his brow. “I don’t know about that. Is this a bad world for you, Elizabeth?”
“Obviously,” I said, hunching up my shoulders, though I thought about the night of the ball or the time that he had said we could travel all over the world, and I thought about what he had said about going to that house outside of Pemberley, just him and me, stuck there, living the same day again and again.
He nodded slowly, thinking it over. “You said it’s a perfect world for me, one without any responsibilities, wherein I can do as I choose. I came to tell you it’s not like that for me. That I was falling apart until you were living the day with me. And then, I had someone to be responsible to, someone to care about, someone to count on me… I don’t know who I am without that, Elizabeth, and I don’t know if you can understand, but I don’t wish to havenoresponsibilities. I cease to be myself without…” He shook his head. “Never mind, I can’t explain it.”
I uncrossed my arms, eyeing him.
“It’s a perfect world for you, actually, isn’t it?” he said quietly.
I shook my head. “No,” I said immediately, “no it is not.” But I did not cross my arms again.
He rubbed the side of his jaw. “What is your life like, Elizabeth? You said to me, once, that you depended on a marriage for your very survival, and I said you were exaggerating, but… what do you know of freedom, madam?”
I hung my head.
“Is that why you came here?” He gestured around. “All alone, all on your own, so many miles? Have you ever done anything like that before?”
