Ali had dark circles under her eyes.It was too early for that to be from her period.By day three, sure, that was normal, but not on day one.I’d noticed it the weekend before too, but when I’d asked her about it, she said she wasn’t doing the greatest in her biology class.
Her textbook was on the table beside the open bottle of Motrin, a half dozen assignments sticking out of marked pages.She had two weeks left of the term, including final exams.If she was behind and she didn’t catch up in time, Kin and Jace wouldn’t hesitate to find a summer program for her to take.Which meant she stayed in Malibu while I had to go on tour with my parents in Australia.
Without her.
For an entire summer.
Not fucking happening.
I barely made it through five days without seeing her.No way would I make it eight weeks.
If that was what had my girl worried, then I could understand her losing sleep.So why did I still have that freaking itch?
With a tiny whine, Ali shifted, the heating pad falling to the floor as she turned over.One arm went around me, her head shifting so her face was buried in my shirt.She inhaled deep enough to take my scent fully into her lungs, generating a pleased little sigh.Her lips smacked together, a kiss that didn’t fully land on me.
All the noise that normally clouded my head instantly quieted, and even that stupid itch was gone.Her nose nuzzled against the material of my shirt, her hand going to my back, her fingers dipping below the top of my jeans.“Love you,” she mumbled sleepily before she began to snore softly.
Brushing her hair back from her face, I kissed her brow.“Love you, my daisy girl.”
Another half hour passed.All I did was stare at her face, mapping the freckles on her cheek and nose like constellations.She didn’t have enough for people to notice them right away, just a sprinkle on her nose and both cheeks.Angel kisses, that’s what my mom had called them when we were five.
Even back then, I’d been possessive of Ali.I was mad that she’d let an angel kiss her and told her if she ever let anyone but me kiss her again, I’d break their legs.She’d rolled her pretty eyes at me and threatened to do the same if I ever let anyone but her kiss me, not the least bit concerned that I would or wouldn’t follow through.That was the thing about Ali St.Charles.She saw me, every dark and ugly part of me, and she didn’t care.She understood that, for me, she was the exception in every shape and form.
Five-year-old me had known she was the only girl I’d ever want to kiss.
Violence had been my go-to response to most things from birth, especially being touched.Once I’d started school, my teachers had stressed getting me professional help.As if something were broken inside me that could be fixed.Specialists were brought in.Tests were performed.There were multiple diagnoses, like severe ADHD.One doctor had mentioned intermittent explosive disorder, but that one was technically only a theory since he was going off reports, not a personal observation.
All the educators wanted me to be put on medication, but my parents were reluctant to go that route straightaway.Instead, Dad enrolled me in my first jiu-jitsu class, which didn’t help as fast as my teachers wanted.I went through three different private academies before my parents found one that was a better fit, one that didn’t demand I be placed on a cocktail of meds and undergo monthly drug screenings to prove I was actually taking them.
After all those different evaluations, therapy sessions, and countless physical and mental testing the only thing that could cure me was Ali.Being near her.Hearing her voice.Touching her, even if to simply hold her hand for five minutes.
Mom saw it first, how Ali kept me in line.She clocked it before I really understood myself.Kin acknowledged it soon after, noticing how I changed whenever her youngest daughter was with me.Ali made it easier to focus, to let go of whatever was in my head that had a hair trigger.
Lights weren’t as harsh to my eyes.They were simply brighter because of her.Noise wasn’t as loud, either inside my head or in reality, because all I heard was her.Ali’s laugh.Her soft breaths.Those annoyed huffs she made.
When Ali touched me, whether it was on purpose or an accidental brush, I didn’t tense.There was no humming in the back of my head like a broken refrigerator.I didn’t go blank, I didn’t shut down, and I didn’t get violent.
It wasn’t like that for me with anyone else.I spent more time with Bentley and, by default, Caprice, but neither of them could cage my rage so effortlessly.Bentley was my friend, and he knew my boundaries.Caprice was always around.She was aware of my issues as much as anyone else, yet she was always trying to touch me.I’d never struck out at her, but many times I’d pushed her away from me in ways that hadn’t been gentle.
Mom and Kassa had gotten into plenty of arguments over that.Kassa never corrected Caprice, despite knowing I had an aversion to touch.Hell, my dad was a lot like me, shying away from physical contact with the majority of his friends.Maybe his wasn’t on the same extreme level as mine, but there were very few people he was comfortable allowing to touch him.Kassa knew that—she’d grown up with him, for fuck’s sake.Yet she thought she was one of the exceptions.
She wasn’t, which drove another wedge between her and Mom.It had nothing to do with Mom being jealous of Kassa either.That didn’t even factor into it.Overall, it was about respect.
Abi and Hayat were somewhat of exceptions for me.I could tolerate them more than Caprice, and maybe that was because they were mindful of my limits.
But it was Jace’s reaction to how I responded to Ali that had actually scared me for the first time in my memory.If I wanted to see her, continue to be friends with her, I couldn’t do things that might put her at risk.He set me straight on that when I was seven, after I’d broken another kid’s jaw for touching Ali.
Jace refused to let me near his daughter if I continued to react violently around her.What happened if I struck out at someone and Ali got hurt by accident?I didn’t fully understand it back then, but I was terrified enough of the idea of never seeing Ali again that I started trying harder to keep the rage that lived inside me pushed back.
It wasn’t as if I had full control over what happened when those episodes occurred, though.It was like a glass wall dropped down, and I suddenly became an observer of what my body was doing.Ali was the only person who could break through that wall to the real me.
Taking jiu-jitsu seriously began to help over time.Learning the discipline that the sport required.Exposing myself to touch in a way I could control.Channeling the darkness that lived inside me in a healthier way.I had an outlet for the excess energy that dwelled right below the surface.
These days, I understood Jace’s concerns a little more.I wouldn’t want Ali around anyone who could potentially cause her harm, accidentally or on purpose.Fuck, if anyone hurt my daisy girl, I’d kill them without a second’s hesitation or remorse.Even if that person was me.
Ali
Sixx leftFriday night before my parents got home from their date.I slept through it all, even him tucking me into my bed with my heating pad on my belly.He left me a sweet note on a Post-it, telling me he loved me and would call me later.Instead of a heart, he drew a messy daisy beside his name.
