The door to the garden opened and she heard the excited voice of a small child. She turned to see a young boy of five or six, dressed in jeans, a blue dinosaur sweatshirt and a woolly hat, kicking a ball out into the open lawn of the garden. ‘Come on, Daddy, come on!’ he called as his father trotted obediently behind. The mother appeared last and, not joining in with the impromptu football game, came over to the bench.
‘Mind if I join you?’ She gave a faint smile and Annabel noticed her red-rimmed eyes.
‘Not at all, please.’ Annabel smiled back and indicated the space next to her. ‘He’s a little bundle of energy!’ She chuckled, nodding over to the little boy who was lining up to take a penalty against his dad.
‘Today’s a good day,’ the mum said, nodding. Then her face creased and the tears started flowing again.‘I’m sorry.’ She looked embarrassed. ‘I must stop doing this.’
‘Oh, please don’t worry! I was doing the same thing before you arrived,’ Annabel confessed with a chuckle. She handed the woman a tissue from the packet in her bag. ‘Are you alright?’
The mum wiped her eyes and took a deep breath to steady herself. ‘It’s his chemo in a few minutes.’ She checked her watch. ‘It gets me every time. It’s a bit fifty-fifty, you see; the doctors can’t make any promises.’ She blew her nose. ‘You?’
‘I’m so sorry, that must be so hard for you all.’ Annabel’s face turned grave with concern and she instinctively reached out to touch the woman on the arm. She gave a sad smile. ‘It’s my granny. She had a fall this morning and hasn’t woken up yet.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. It’s hard to watch someone you love suffering and be powerless to do anything about it. I’d do anything – literally anything – for my little Sam. I would have the cancer in his place if I could; he’s my world. He’s such a little fighter, bless him; spends more time worrying about me than about himself!’ She gave a rueful laugh.
It wasn’t the right order of things, Annabel mused as she sat watching Sam and his dad having fun in the garden. It wasn’t right that a parent should face losing a child, especially such a young one with his whole life ahead of him. Much as she couldn’t bear the thought of losing her dear granny, at leastDotty had had a life well lived and well loved. There would be nothing tragic about her passing, unlike little Sam, should the worst happen. It certainly put things in perspective.
‘Goal!’ yelled Sam as the ball sailed past his dad. He ran around with his arms in the air, copying the goal celebrations of his footballing heroes while his dad cheered. ‘Mummy, Mummy, did you see?’ Sam looked over to her on the bench, an enormous smile lighting up his little face.
‘Well done, Sammy! I think you’re going to be a footballer when you’re older!’ His mum beamed proudly through her tears and gave her son a double thumbs up.
Annabel’s heart ached for her. A mother’s love really was the deepest kind there was; it could bring such joy and such pain. But despite the terrible sadness of the woman’s situation, Annabel found herself envying her. She wanted to know that feeling of unconditional love, of someone being her world. She wanted a little one to look at her in the same way Sam had looked at his mum, with total devotion and adoration. Sitting there in the hospital garden, Annabel realised that she had told Luke a big fat lie the night before. Itdidmatter to her, the marriage and children part, and she had been foolish to pretend otherwise. The realisation came with conflicting emotions: she felt a small flicker of hope at what the future might hold, but also an engulfing sorrow as she wondered where it left her and Luke.
They watched father and son in companionable silence for a few minutes, each silently appreciating the other’s presence on the bench. After a while, Annabel got up to leave.
‘Best of luck with everything,’ she said, touching the woman’s shoulder. ‘I really hope Sam will be alright, he’s a lovely little lad. He must make you very proud.’
‘Here she is! I told you she wouldn’t be long!’ Nurse Sue’s sing-song voice rang out as Annabel walked through the ward towards Dotty’s bed. Her face lit up as she saw that her grandmother’s eyes were open. Dotty took a moment to focus, then managed a faint smile of recognition.
‘Hello, my darling,’ she said, her normally strong voice sounding weak and breathy.
‘Dotty! You’re awake, thank goodness!’ Annabel sat beside her and took her hand in her own. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Oh I’m alright, don’t worry about me,’ she scoffed. ‘I’m still here! Blasted nuisance about this,’ she said, nodding towards the plaster cast, ‘but I suppose it could have been worse!’
‘Everyone sends their love,’ Annabel said. ‘Dad’s so sorry he can’t be here. He would have come straight over, but he’s still in hospital after getting his hip done. Apparently, Mum offered to come in his place, if you need extra help.’ She grinned as her granny raised an eyebrow to refute this suggestion. ‘But I promised them that I could hold the fort for now!’
‘Thank you, my dear. Please tell Jeanette that it’s very kind of her to offer’ – she nodded magnanimously – ‘but I’d much rather just have you here for now.’ She patted her granddaughter’s hand.‘Is Monty alright?’
Annabel reassured her that her four-legged friend was being taken care of, then shared all the latest news from Bath and tales from her work at the university. While they chatted, the conversation with the doctor kept coming back to Annabel, gnawing at her like an itchy mosquito bite. Her grandmother was quick to spot that there was something bothering her.
‘Darling, what is it?’ The old lady’s brow furrowed in concern.
‘It’s nothing, Dotty.’ Annabel tried to force a smile. ‘You just gave us all a bit of a fright, that’s all. I’m just so glad you’re alright now.’
Dotty raised her eyebrows, clearly not accepting her granddaughter’s excuse. ‘I can see that something’s on your mind. Spit it out, my love, you’ll feel better for it.’
Annabel sighed, her emotions conflicting. It didn’t seem fair to quiz her dear granny on such a personal, sensitive topic, especially after such a stressful day. But as she looked into the old lady’s eyes, she was reminded that Dotty had always encouraged honesty in the family; she had never been one to flinch from awkward conversations. She took a deep breath.
‘It’s just something that Dr Underwood said earlier about the scans they did. Something came up that was a bit unexpected and I didn’t know what to make of it.’ Annabel smiled brightly. ‘But honestly, Dotty, we don’t need to talk about it now.’
Dotty sank back into her pillows and closed her eyes. After a long pause, she opened them again and replied, her voice barely more than a whisper.
‘She told you that I couldn’t have children?’
Annabel took her granny’s good hand in hers and gently stroked it. ‘Something like that.’ She ached inside to see her grandmother looking so tiny and frail in the hospital bed.
Dotty was just opening her mouth to reply when Nurse Sue reappeared, shattering the sombre moment with her broad smile and cheerful voice. She advised that it was time for Dotty to get some rest and that Annabel should come back again in the morning.
