‘We’re not passing any mountains, are we?’ Pauline asks anxiously.
‘Not unless you count the plastic mountain at the mini golf range in south London,’ Teddy says dryly.
‘Sounds dangerous,’ Audrey murmurs with excitement.
‘Anyway,’ Pauline tries to get them back on track. ‘I say we just stick to what we know. What’s actually worked for us so far? Definitely not baseball bats.’ She looks at each of them in turn, listing out each successful murder. ‘Tripped down the stairs, overdosed on heart medication, and—’ She pauses, looking at Teddy quizzically. ‘What did you do again?’
Teddy fills in the blank. ‘I shoved my husband. He hit his head on the corner of the coffee table as he went down.’
‘Excuse me?’ Audrey peers at her. ‘You told me you caved in his temple.’
‘I did cave it in!’ Teddy exclaims. ‘Via the coffee table.’
‘That’s barely manslaughter, for goodness’ sake,’ Audrey tuts.
Teddy raises an eyebrow. ‘He took ages to die. I could’ve called for help, but I didn’t. And then I buried him. It’s definitelyat least unlawful disposal of a dead body. But I’m pretty sure they’d get me for murder, too.’
‘OK, darling.’ Audrey holds up her hands. ‘This is not a sociopath competition.’
Teddy mutters, ‘You would win if it was,’ and Audrey nods agreeably. She would.
‘Does John have any health issues or a drink problem we know about?’ Ivy asks. ‘They were both helpful in our . . . situations.’
Pauline considers this. ‘He takes a lot of vitamins, does that count? Can you overdose on vitamins?’
‘I don’t think so, babe.’ Teddy shakes her head. ‘They mostly just come out when you wee. I’m not sure they do much at all, good or bad.’
Pauline sighs. ‘In that case, I’m going to have to push him down the stairs, aren’t I?’ She pauses. ‘At least we know for sure I have stairs in my house. And I will have surprise on my side. There’s no chance in hell he’d ever see it coming. I’ve barely said boo to a goose in thirty years.’
‘Why would anyone say that to a goose?’ animal lover Ivy murmurs, but they ignore her, regarding each other seriously and giving a collective nod.
‘It’s a plan, Paula.’ Teddy’s face falls. ‘Sorry,Pauline.’
Pauline smiles. ‘There’s no need for an apology, I understand. It’s going to take some getting used to.’
‘But it’s important,’ Teddy says fiercely. ‘And I want to get it right. John chose your identity for you for so long.Youget to choose who you are in this life. This is your choice and I want to get it right.’ She pauses. ‘Maybe I should stop being Teddy and go back to Tina? Screw the patriarchy!’
Audrey groans. ‘Oh darling, please don’t. It’s too confusing for me. I’m eighty-one. There are too many name changes going on as it is.’ She reaches for her dog’s chin, giving it a big scratch. ‘I’m probably going to have to come up with a new name for Paula the Dog now anyway. It’s rather soured now I know John was a fan.’
Teddy shrugs. ‘Fair enough. To be honest I never much liked the name Tina anyway. Teddy is much cooler.’
Ivy looks alarmed. ‘Tina Turner’s the coolest woman to ever live.’
‘I’d say that’s a fair assessment.’ Teddy nods. ‘And I’m not very cool, so I better stick with Teddy.’
‘Thank goodness!’ Audrey calls out.
Over the tannoy, pilot Stan informs everyone there is just a few minutes until they land. He tells them the local time in the UK is eight thirty p.m., and describes the weather as ‘British’. He laughs for a while then and Pauline wonders if they should perhaps add him to Ivy’s kill list.
Pauline really is a changed woman.
‘Let’s have one last drink before we land,’ Audrey calls out to the group, waving to the angry steward. Pauline adds her cheer to the chorus of excitable replies and feels Ivy reach over to give her shoulder a reassuring squeeze.
It’s strange to think Pauline’s only known these women for a relatively short amount of time. It feels like she knows each of them intimately. But, she supposes, that’s what happens when you’re around this much death and money.
Pauline squeezes her arm rest, thinking about the hours ahead.
She can’t wait.
