‘What happened?’ Ivy asks Paula softly.
‘Goodness knows!’ Audrey replies. ‘I have told the girls they can do miles better and they deserve the best, but neither of them ever listens.’
‘Er,’ Ivy sounds awkward, ‘Audrey, I was actually talking to Paula. I was wondering what happened with her daughter, Tilly.’
‘Oh, sorry, darling. Maybe these group calls aren’t all they’re cracked up to be after all. Terribly confusing.’
Paula inhales deeply, trying not to get upset. ‘We’ve been having these grief counselling sessions once a week, you remember?’ She adds sheepishly, ‘Though I may have missed the odd one . . .’ Paula pauses. ‘Anyway, Tilly doesn’t think I’m sharing enough.’ She pauses. ‘Or reacting in the right way, I suppose. She wants more grief tentacles from me. She thinks I’m repressing my feelings, which is leading to . . .’ Paula pauses, trying to remember the odd wording her daughter used. ‘It’s leading to trauma and something called a psychosomatic effect on my body.’ She hesitates again. ‘I think it’s something to do with sleep.’ Paula sighs. ‘She wants more from me, but I don’t think I have it in me to give it to her. And this counsellor keeps asking me questions about John and my feelings and my life now – and I don’t have answers for him either. And there are just things I can’t talk about.’ She looks across the kitchen now, towards the drawer where she’s keeping the money. The money for Craig and his cohort. She has several thousand in there now, but it’s not enough. Not nearly.
‘Maybe you need a different therapist,’ Teddy says. ‘You can’t just assume the first one to come along is the right fit. It can take a while to find someone you gel with.’
Audrey nods, her face mostly nostrils on the screen. ‘She’s right, I went through fourteen therapists before I found Gráinne.’
Teddy shakes her head. ‘That’s too many. That’s a you problem, Audrey.’
‘Gerald is nice enough,’ Paula says begrudgingly. ‘I don’t think this is his fault. I’m sure he’s doing a good job. And it really seems to be helping Tilly and Seb! But it’s not helpingus. My daughter seems to be getting further and further away from me with every session.’ She takes another deep breath. ‘Today, Gerald asked me to share some nice family memories and my mind went blank. I have such a dreadful memory at the best of times, and put on the spot like that, I couldn’t think of anything. Then Tilly got sad, so I said what about that nice Christmas with the new video camera where they performedSleeping Beauty, or the day at the theme park when we went on the biggest roller coaster. She looked so upset and said that those werehermemories – the ones she’d shared during a session a few weeks ago – and of course I know that. But I didn’t know what else to say. I couldn’t think of anything. I didn’t mean to steal her memories. She was crying and said it feels like I don’t care about her or her dad. It was horrible.’
There is an understanding silence on the phone as they digest this.
Paula sighs. ‘Then Seb tried to defend me and that only made things worse. Tilly ended up running out. Seb went after her, and it was very awkward with just me and Geraldsitting there. I ended up asking him if he was a fan ofStrictly Come Dancing, just to say something.’
‘And is he?’ Audrey enquires.
Paula shakes her head into the phone. ‘No, so then Ireallydidn’t know what to say to him. Imagine not likingStrictly Come Dancing! What’s not to like?’
‘I use the same fake tan as the professional dancers,’ says Teddy.
‘Do you really?’ Audrey sounds thrilled. ‘Where do you get it, my darling?’
‘I’ll send you a link,’ Teddy says with authority. ‘I’ll send you all a link.’
‘Can you send me a link to your shampoo as well?’ Paula asks anxiously, and Teddy shrugs.
‘Sure, I guess.’
‘Have you thought about talking to your daughter about their dad?’ Ivy asks in that nice way of hers.
‘What do you mean?’ Paula frowns.
‘I mean . . .’ Ivy trails off. ‘Maybe they should know the truth about him?’
‘The truth . . .?’ Oh, for goodness’ sake, she means the murder thing. Again. How many times does Paula have to tell them? It doesn’t feel like there’s much point in denying it at this point – not again – especially since they’re so certain she’s lying.
She reaches for a truth, if notthetruth: ‘I don’t think Tilly’s ready to listen to anything I have to say these days.’
‘What about Seb?’ Ivy suggests. ‘He seemed a bit more open to things. He seems very kind.’
‘Maybe,’ Paula says lamely. Is her son kind? He certainly used to be when he was little. He had a lot of emotionalintelligence and sweetness; Paula had great hopes for him back then. But lately, she’s been so focused on the whole him living at home and playing silly games thing, she forgot to check if Seb is a nice person. Maybe he is. Shehopeshe is.
The trouble is, of course, that Paula now has this other big secret hanging over her head. This group – her friends – are murderers! How can she be honest with her children about anything while she’s keeping this enormous, gigantic,illegalthing from them? Never mind her own participation in attempted murder.
‘Will we . . .’ she begins hesitantly. ‘Do we think we’re . . . Are we done with the murdering now, do we think?’ She adds hopefully, ‘We weren’t very good at it, after all.’
‘It was only our first go as a group!’ Audrey cries. ‘We’ll get better. We just need some practice.’
‘There were certainly a lot of obstacles we hadn’t considered,’ Teddy adds carefully.
Ivy smiles shyly. ‘Well, I have another name on my support group list, if we do want to try again . . .’
