‘Oof!’
At least two people have fallen on top of one another, but Paula isn’t quite sure who.
‘Shhhh!’
That’s definitely Teddy shushing everyone, so it’s likely those currently on the ground, flailing about in the mud, are Audrey and Ivy.
‘Is everyone OK?’ Paula whispers into the darkness and Teddy shushes furiously again. Honestly, the shushing is a lot louder and more obnoxious than any other noise they’re making.
‘We’re fine!’ Audrey calls out at a normal volume. ‘You all right on the ground there, darling?’ Paula’s eyes adjust enough to see the older woman picking Ivy up off a patch of grass. She squeaks her confirmation.
Paula sighs, wondering if it’s too late to back out.
They are four reasonably intelligent women – Teddy’s a lawyer, for goodness’ sake – and they have a really quite solid plan that they’ve gone over many times. Plus! Several of them have already gotten away with murder! This should’ve beenstraightforward. Easy, even. And yet, just a few minutes in, everything is already going badly wrong.
The plan started off OK. They’d followed Dominic Shipman home from the pub, as agreed, with Audrey tutting the whole way from the passenger seat about his terrible driving. He’d been all over the road, speeding over potholes and not once indicating, which Audrey was outraged by. Which seemed a bit hypocritical to Paula, but she didn’t say anything. Once he’d pulled into the driveway, narrowly missing a phone box, they’d quickly turned off down a side street – away from any streetlamps or nosy neighbours. Then they’d sneaked over to the Evil Bastard’s house, finding their way around the back and into his garden, moving with ninja-like stealth. And that’s where . . . everything started to implode.
‘Do we really have to wear these on our feet?’ Ivy asks in a whisper as she brushes herself down, wiping grass off her black jeans.
‘Yes,’ says Teddy, who has assumed the role of de facto leader. She does in most situations, Paula’s noticed.
Ivy is referring to the booties they’re all wearing. They’re the kind of thing estate agents wear to cover their shoes during viewings. It was one of the many genius things they thought of, to stop them leaving footprints at the scene. They’re also wearing gloves to avoid finger prints. That is to say, all of themapart from Audrey, are wearing gloves. Audrey’s wearing mittens – much to Teddy’s irritation – but she insisted they work just as well as gloves and she won’t take them off. There was nearly a full-blown fight about it in the car. Oh, and they’re also all dressed in black, so no one can see them in the darkness.
All very clever and sensible, they congratulated each other beforehand.
Except it turns out those protective shoe thingys are incredibly slippery, gloves mean you can’t feel anything in your fingers, and – who would’ve guessed – wearing black and being out past midnight means not only can they not be seen, but they can’t reallysee.
Paula is trying to stay positive though.
‘I know the booties are a pain,’ Audrey says in a kind voice, ‘but we can’t risk leaving any evidence we were here, can we?’ She pauses. ‘Plus, I got them on Amazon Prime same day delivery and I couldn’tbelievehow quickly they turned up! Same day! Isn’t that amazing? They are clever, aren’t they, these delivery people?’
‘I ordered some new lightbulbs the other day,’ Paula tells her excitably. ‘It must’ve been gone eleven o’clock at night and they were on my doorstep by the next morning.’ She sniffs. ‘It was actually a little bit annoying because I wasn’t there and they were soaked through and useless from the rain by the time I found them. I shouldn’t have selected that “leave in my safe place” option. My front doorstep never seems to be much of a safe place.’
‘Can we have this conversation another time?’ Teddy asks, her tone strained. ‘Literally any other time when we’re not standing in the back garden of a dangerous man, ready to commit murder?’
‘Of course!’ Paula says brightly. ‘Is it time to go in, then?’
‘I think we should give him another two minutes,’ Audrey warns. ‘Make sure he’s had plenty of time to get into bed. How unfortunate would it be if we bumped into him while he was brushing his teeth?’
‘Do you think he brushes his teeth before bed?’ Paula asks. ‘I bet he doesn’t. I don’t think bad people brush their teeth twice a day.’
‘I only do it once in the morning,’ Audrey tells her defensively. ‘On the other hand, my teeth do go in a glass overnight with a cleaning solution.’
‘So,’ Ivy begins in a small voice, ‘I know the plan is to wait for him to go to sleep, then creep upstairs where we get his attention with a loud noise. We lure him to the top of the stairs, where we all shove him, but . . .’ She clears her throat. ‘How are we actually going to get inside to do all that?’ She wipes some more mud off her jeans. ‘We didn’t make a plan for that. We can’t really smash a window, can we? It would look a bit suspicious.’
‘Hmm,’ Teddy says, using her best authoritarian voice. ‘That’s a good point. We can’t really force the door either. It might alert the idiot inside that we’re here.’
Audrey tuts. ‘He might not hear us. He looked awfully drunk, leaving the pub. He’s probably passed out without brushing his teeth, dead to the world.’
‘He soon will be,’ Teddy says darkly.
‘But we’re trying to make this look like an accident, like he fell,’ Ivy points out. ‘Why would there be a smashed window, or a forced door?’
Paula tries to interrupt but they continue talking over her.
‘We can’t risk it!’ Teddy says firmly. ‘We’ll have to figure something else out.’
‘If I could just—’ Paula begins.
