His earlier anger, so potent it had driven him in search of Kien, desperate to escape, had disappeared the instant the guard said those damning words. Without it to buoy him, Eiri floundered, slipping beneath the treacherous waves of his mind. Unbidden, his memories went back to their fight, the last one they’d had.
The last one I’ll ever have with him.
He saw again the stricken look in Syrus’ eyes when Eiri pulled away from him. He’d been too upset to recognize it for what it was then, but he knew now. Syrus had begged him for a moment, just one moment, to explain, but Eiri had done what he always did: he ran away in a storm of righteous fury.
What ground did he have to stand on, though? Hadn’t he gone into this with his own ulterior motives? He’d weighed every word Syrus said, every gesture he made, searching for a weakness, for some way to escape their marriage.
As harshly as Syrus had judged him, Eiri had done the same in return. From the moment they realized they were betrothed, Eiri had gone on the offensive. He’d never tried to get to know the man he was married to until it was too late. Worse, whenSyrus reached out in earnest, Eiri had broken the promise the two of them had made. ‘No going back’, they’d said, and at the first sign of trouble, Eiri had done exactly that.
If he’d kept his word, if he’d gone through with the plan, Syrus would be alive right now.
The realization hit him like lightning and Eiri doubled over, curling in on himself as tight as he could as though it would do anything to stop the pain.
Syrus was dead.
This was his fault.
There was no sink in his cell, only a bucket in the corner to relieve himself. The metal was dented and pitted with rust that flaked under Eiri’s hands as he grabbed for it, barely pulling it close before he vomited.
His stomach heaved, churning with misery as it emptied itself. Even after there was nothing left, he gagged and choked, his eyes watering. It went on and on until he finally collapsed back against the wall, shaking and spent.
Syrus was dead.
It was his fault.
The tears he’d held in check finally fell, streaking down his cheeks as more memories flooded his mind.
Syrus taking him to the beach, the closest Eiri could get to home now.
The way Syrus had wanted to defend him from the food vendor that day and the fire in his eyes.
The feel of Syrus’ arms around him the night he’d broken down. No one had ever held him like that before, like he mattered. He’d cried all over the man, and still Syrus took care of him after.
Then he’d kissed him and Eiri’s entire life upended, leaving him reeling. Every touch after that, every kiss and caress, every time they’d held hands… that hadn’t been a lie.
How could I have let Kien destroy the trust we built together? Why didn’t I just listen to Syrus and let him explain?
It hadn’t been a lie. Somehow, against all odds, he and Syrus had defied centuries of hate and prejudice and created something else out of it. Something that could have become love, if only they’d had the time.
I could have loved him.
Eiri choked on a sob, burying his face in his knees to stifle the sound when he couldn’t stop it. They’d come so close, only for it all to fall apart because he hadn’t believed in Syrus.
His thoughts ran in endless circles, always coming back to that one thought.I could have loved him.
How long he sat in the darkness, he didn’t know. Time meant nothing here. The stone corridor outside his cell remained silent. If there were guards out there, they were far enough away that he couldn’t hear anything. No one came to tell him what was going on, not that he could bring himself to care at this point. What did it matter? Syrus was gone. Eiri was alone.
It took longer than it should have to recognize the sound of footsteps on the stone outside. He blinked and tried to turn to face the cell door, nearly falling on his side when he tried. Only then did he realize how cold he’d become. The icy stone penetrated his clothing easily, and he’d never noticed, too lost in his grief. What did it matter if he faced the door? Whoever was coming for him wasn’t the one person he wanted to see.
Resigned, Eiri slumped back again, face buried in his knees, awaiting his fate.
The footsteps stopped in front of his cell, and he heard the tinkling of metal against metal.
“Eiri?”
He jerked his head up, the familiar voice dragging him back to the present.
“Xan?”
