“It’s not that. Well, it is, but not entirely,” he murmured. The sweatshirt didn’t have strings to play with, so he started fiddling with the edge of the blanket.
“Whatever else it is, I’m sorry, Alex. I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know. I needed some space to process everything, but even that night, I knew you didn’t mean it. I’ve had some time to think, and I think the hardest part for me is that you didn’t trust me.”
I frowned, confused. “I do trust you, though.”
“No, you don’t. Not about this.” Alex finally peered up at me, a lock of hair falling across his eyes. “I’ve been doing this for a long time. I know I don’t always act like it, but I know what I’m doing. What happened with Andre wasn’t normal. I knew it was safe to go into Jaime’s house and you didn’t believe me.”
Running back through the details of that night, I realized he was right. My instinct, both as a detective and a boyfriend, had been to be cautious, scope out any potential threats, and keep Alex out of it, which was impossible.
“I just wanted to protect you.”
“And I get it. If I were in your shoes, I probably would have done the same thing,” he admitted. “But some ghosts don’t have a lot of strength. Jaime was running out of time while we stood on the porch bickering. I don’t know what would have happened to her if she’d passed on with unfinished business. I need you to trust me when I do this.”
Could I do that? Could I take the word of a ghost and trust that they would be honest with Alex? The next time he got called out, would I be able to rein in my protective instincts and let him do what he needed?
On the other hand, though, how could I not? Alex was right. He’d been doing this since he was a kid. I didn’t understand any of it and I’d been trusting Alex’s word since the day I found out what he could do. The alternative would be… what? Not going with him? Letting him deal with this on his own?
When boiled down to the bare bones, my answer ended up being as easy as breathing.
“Alright.”
“Alright?” he echoed. “Simple as that?”
I nodded. “As simple as that. You’re right, and I can admit that. I should have trusted you. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy and I might slip up sometimes, but only because I wish I could protect you. I can’t keep the ghosts away, so all I can do is try to keep you safe from everything else out there.”
He quickly looked down, but not before I saw a glimpse of tears in his eyes, and when he spoke, his voice was thick. “Thank you.”
“I love you exactly the way you are, Alex. Our friends do, too. No matter what happens, no matter what you choose to do or not do with your power, you’ll never lose me.” I wanted so badly to pull him into my arms, to hold him tight and pretend it was enough to take away the hurts from his childhood. The way he sat, though, with his shoulders curled in, protecting himself, told me he wasn’t ready for that yet. Something was still bothering him. He pulled and twisted at the corner of the blanket until it broke free, the threads too worn to hold on any longer.
“I love you,” he whispered. “I owe you an apology, too.” He’d blinked back his tears when he looked back up at me. “I shouldn’t have tried to go out without calling one of you. I broke my promise not only to you, but to Camille and Raina and Will.”
“Can I ask why you didn’t?” I didn’t want to pick at the wounds, but it’d been bothering me this entire time.
“It’s complicated. I know in my head that you all said to call any time, but actually doing it is harder than I thought it would be. It was so late at night and I started thinking about how you and Will had been working so much and how early the girls have to wake up to work at the coffee shop. I felt like an inconvenience.” He paused, lips pressed together, the sentence dangling like he wanted to say more but was holding it back.
“And?” I prompted.
His hold on the blanket threatened to tear it in half and that small, sad Alex slipped back into his words when he finally spoke. “I started telling myself that you all would get sick of me if I kept calling at crazy hours of the morning. I know it’s stupid and none of you would do that, but my brain doesn’t make sense all the time and I just got scared that I’d be making your lives harder and it was just so late at night.”
I couldn’t stop his anxious rambling earlier when we’d been on the phone, but I could now. Closing the distance between us, I pulled him back into my arms and hugged him tight.
“You are not an inconvenience, Alex,” I whispered fiercely. “I know you sometimes don’t believe that, but it’s true. I love you so fucking much I can barely breathe sometimes. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, up to and including going out in the cold at three in the morning to follow ghosts. I’ll remind you as often as you need me to.”
With a shaky breath, the lingering tension in his body fled and he collapsed against me, shaking with silent tears. I held him through the storm, letting the pain and frustration and hurt of the last week slough away from us. For the first time in days, I could finally breathe. We still had so much to work out, but we were going to be okay.
***
Sunlight filtered into the room through the gaps in the curtains, illuminating Alex’s face where it rested on my shoulder. We were tangled together, stretched out on the couch with my arms around him. A gentle silence wrapped around us, allowing us to just exist in this moment. There was still work to be done repairing our foundation, but for this moment, we had each other and that would be enough.
Eventually, though, reality began to intrude. The sounds of Lowery’s Crossing coming back to life around us invaded the quiet, reminding us both that we’d have to leave this safe cocoon.
“How long until you have to be to work?” Alex asked, eyes still closed. I craned my neck enough to see the clock on the wall near the kitchen.
“An hour or so. There’s nothing urgent waiting for me, though. Rebecca Perez came home this weekend.”
He leaned his head back enough to look at me. “She did? And she’s okay?”
