“Will you tell her I appreciate it?” I hated how small I sounded.
“Yeah, no problem,” she murmured, then nodded toward the coffee cup. “I made you a brown sugar cinnamon mocha. I figured it was too cold for anything iced.”
“Thank you. You’re a good friend.” That’s what I meant to say. Instead, what came out was: “Donovan and I got into a fight this morning and he said something really shitty and I told him to leave and now I don’t know what to do because he really fucking hurt me and I don’t know how to not be mad at him for it even though I love him.”
Tears stung my eyes by the time I paused for a breath, my hands shaking and my heart hurting all over again. Raina blinked, absorbing my barrage of words. The moment it sunk in, she slid off her stool, closed the distance between us in one step, and silently pulled me into her arms, hugging me as tightly as she could. The warm scent of coffee, vanilla, and cinnamon wrapped around me, and the second my head hit her shoulder, I lost it.
The grief for Jaime, the agony of leaving Levi there, the deep hurt of Donovan’s words, all of it came rushing out in a torrent of tears. The harder I tried to pull it back, the worse it got, leaving me a sobbing mess. Raina held me through it without a word, letting me pour it out until I could finally breathe again, my throat burning and my eyes swollen.
“It’s going to be okay, Alex,” she whispered in my ear, rubbing my back as she held me.
“I hate this.” It sounded like I’d gargled broken glass, my words rasping and raw. “This curse takes everything away from me.”
The bell over the door jingled before Raina could speak. The one day I have an emotional breakdown would be the day I got an early Saturday morning customer, which almost never happened. Of course.
“Go to the bathroom, get a drink of water, and put some cold paper towels on your eyes. I’ll take care of him,” Raina promised, urging me away from the counter. I didn’t fight her. I needed the time and I trusted her.
I physically flinched from the reflection I saw looking back at me in that bathroom mirror, grateful again that Raina had stepped in. Except for the redness around my eyes, my face had gone completely pale. My green eyes were bloodshot and swollen, my hair a mess where it’d lain mussed underneath my hat. I’d never fixed it after getting into the shop.
I kept myself focused on pulling it together, doing exactly as Raina suggested and not letting myself think of anything but the next step. Cup my hands under the faucet to get a drink and soothe my throat. Wet a paper towel with cold water and lay it over my eyes to take down some of the swelling. Breathe. In for four, hold for four, out for four. Breathe again, then again, until my heart slowed to a steady pace. Remove the paper towels, wash my face, take another breath, then back out to face the world.
By the time I finished, the customer was gone and Raina had flipped the sign on the door to ‘Closed’. There was a note alongside it, but I couldn’t read it from here.
“This is going to take a minute, so I bought us some time,” she said when she saw me return. She had the bag and cup in her hands again and nodded toward one of the cozy loveseats scattered in the reading area.
“Don’t you need to get back to work, though?” I didn’t want her to leave, but I had to ask.
Raina shook her head. “I called Camille already. Rachel and Ashley have the front covered and she can back them up if needed. She ordered me to stay with you.”
“I don’t deserve you guys,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut for a moment when I felt the too-familiar sting of tears again. A soft touch to my elbow helped me ground myself and I allowed Raina to guide me over to the seat, settling in close to the middle with her pressed along my side.
“Here. Eat and get a little caffeine in your system, then tell me what happened and we’ll see what we can do to fix it, okay?”
My appetite had fled in the face of my tears and now the thought of food made me gag, so I reached for the coffee. It’d cooled slightly, but the taste of brown sugar and cinnamon warmed me from the inside out, loosening the knot in my chest enough for me to speak. Leaning against my best friend for support, coffee cradled in my hands, I told her everything, starting with Jaime’s ghost and my broken promise and ending with Donovan’s damning words.
She didn’t interrupt, though once or twice I could tell it was killing her not to say something. When I finally finished, somehow without becoming a blubbering mess again, she took a moment to compose her thoughts before she spoke.
“Well, that explains why Donovan came in this morning looking like absolute crap,” she said. “So, you both fucked up and now you don’t know how to work it out, is what I’m gathering.”
“I know I should have called someone, but I’ve gone out alone every other time I’ve dealt with this and been fine. Donovan went out with me one time and he’s already talking about exploiting this ability.”
“From what you told me, it doesn’t sound like he planned to do that. I can’t imagine him trying to force you to do anything you didn’t want to. Besides, can you really look me in the eye and tell me that the same Donovan Parker who openly worships the ground you walk on would really do something like that?”
“Raina, he literally said other cops would kill to have a tool like me in their arsenal.” Even repeating the words hurt, every syllable a jagged knife to the stomach.
She winced. “Yeah, that was a really terrible choice of words,” she admitted. “That’s one that you’ll have to talk about with him, but seriously, it’s hard to imagine him doing that. I was with him in the hospital after what happened with Nate, remember? I’ve never seen anyone so scared in my life. He didn’t leave your side the entire time.” She paused, but the silence felt loaded, like she wanted to keep going but was stopping herself. It wasn’t too hard to figure out what she wasn’t saying.
“You think he’s right, don’t you?”
“Not about you being some kind of psychic bloodhound for the cops, no. Absolutely not,” she said, shaking her head. “But… maybe working with the police wouldn’t be the worst idea.”
“I can honestly say I never thought I’d hear you say those words of your own free will.” I sipped at my coffee, but this time it couldn’t soothe the uneasiness building beneath my skin.
“Trust me, I never imagined I’d say that, either. I know that maybe it’s not the worst idea, though, and I love you enough to put aside my personal feelings if it’s what’s best for you. I was in that hospital room, too, and if there’s anything that can keep it from happening again, I’m all in.”
“What difference would it make? I’m the one who has to talk to them and help them do whatever needs done. That pain doesn’t go away just because I can call the police directly instead of anonymously.”
“Maybe not, but now you have us to help with that pain,” she murmured, resting her hand on my knee. “If you take Donovan or another cop with you, that means you never have to see the actual bodies again. You said that was the worst part and that’s why you reacted so badly to Andre Marcel. Wouldn’t it be easier if you could get most of the way there, help the ghost, then let the people who are actually paid to deal with bodies do the rest?”
