The way Oliver tossed out innuendo like a pro and then short-circuited over his own words two seconds later might be in my top five favorite things about him. It was such a sweet contradiction, like his boldness always sprinted out ahead while the rest of him lagged behind, red-faced, trying to catch up.
I wondered if his skin felt as warm as it looked, if I could trace that pink down, make it deepen. I balled my hands into fists before I could find out.
“Muscle memory is important in a variety of scenarios for sure. What that tells me is since your ass has mastered the concept, the rest of your body will catch on just fine.”
He chuckled, though the color in his cheeks lingered.
After a few more smooth and clean run-throughs, I nodded. “Alright, great. Now that you’re comfortable with that, let’s move on. Not all attackers will approach the same way, you gotta be ready from all sides.”
Oliver smirked. “We’re leveling up? Fantastic. Love that for me. Tell me, Coach, what’s up next on today’s thrilling curriculum?”
“Ah, glad you asked. Because we’re moving on to another classic scenario, the snatch and grab from behind. If that happens, what do you think you’re going to do?”
“Let’s see. I’ve come to learn the error of my ways and will now exercise perfect instinct. First, I’m going to pirouette so I’m facing them,” he said while doing a fancy turn to face me. “Second, get my hands around their neck.” He slid his arms up and draped them over my shoulders, then linked his fingers behind my neck. “And third, I pull their face down to mine so we can stare into each other’s eyes until the attacker regrets every life choice that led them to this moment.” Without any resistance on my part, I let him bring my face down toward his.
The laugh I meant to give was forgotten when our eyes locked. My own lizard brain decided yeah, pull him closer. With that, I wrapped my arm around his back and hauled him in. The puff of his surprise brushed my lips. My tongue swiped at the tingly sensation it left behind. The whole room felt smaller, or maybe I just got too big for it, full of confusion and this brand-new thing that had my limbs and body acting outside my control.
“Did I get it right?” Oliver whispered.
Huh, he had a sweet, faint, tiny mole that sat high on his left cheekbone. I found it stupidly cute. Suited him. This tiny speck of charm stamped right onto his skin. How the hell had my eyeballs failed to pick up on it all this time?
“Luke?”
“Yeah?”
“My tactic? Is it right?”
“Right, sorry. Got a little distracted there.” Staring at the mole on your face. Yeah, that might be a bit weird, even for me. “Not quite, but you get an A for effort and flair. What you wanna dois get low and then turn, so you’re facing your attacker, but not head-to-head.” I pivoted, planting a leg between his, my front to his back. “You’re actually gonna end up somewhat behind me, like this,” I said into his ear.
The second I did, his whole body went tight. Damn it. There it was, that split-second flinch I’d prayed I wouldn’t trigger.
“Hey,” I murmured, lifting my hand and running it down the length of his arm, from shoulder to elbow. “You’re safe. It’s just me. You’re in control. Talk to me. What color ya at?”
He trembled, a soft whimper falling from his mouth, but he didn’t pull away. “Green.” His voice came out broken. He cleared his throat. “I’m good. I’m green. It’s not...” He released a frustrated exhale. “You didn’t... I mean...” Another breath. “I’m green.” He cocked his head back to look at me. “I promise. Tell me where I went wrong this time.”
“Alright, you see, self-defense from any attack is all about exploiting weak points in your attacker’s body to shift the balance and force the advantage back into your hands.”
“Oh, goodie, exploiting your weak points. The moment I’ve been waiting for. It’s about time someone should.”
“Trust me, I’ve got no shortage of weak points. Why do you think I have a gym membership and a therapist?”
“I just assumed you did it for the flex, literal and metaphorical. Have to feed that ego and the mirror, right? I know how much you love to show off,” he teased.
“Yep, you got me pegged except for the whole fact that you’rewrong.The gym is for pretending I have control. The therapist is for admitting I don’t.”
“I love how honest you are about that,” he said, sincere and serious. “You don’t try to pretend you’re invincible or above any of it. You’re real. You make it okay to be scared and still want to learn how to fight back.”
“Anyone who pretends they’re unaffected by emotion is only fooling themselves. Emotions aren’t the enemy. Fear isn’t weakness. Hell, being scared is often what keeps us alive.”
“What do you fear Luke?” The question came as a whisper but the intensity in Oliver’s eyes told me he needed the answer. He needed the confirmation that even someone like me got scared.
“Whenever I’m assigned a DV case at work, I’m afraid of reliving my sister’s ending with someone else’s name on it and this time knowing it happened on my watch. I’m scared that I’ll say, ‘You’re safe for tonight,’ and come back to find I’d made the wrong call. I’m scared of being too late and creating the most dreadful reality I lived through for someone else.”
Stepping closer, he laid his hand on my sternum, tilting his head to look up at me. “How do you face that fear every day?”
Setting my hand over his, I let it press into the thump of my heart, taking a long breath before speaking. “I lost the person I loved most, and it still knocks me flat sometimes. But all that fear? That grief? It’s part of me now. I don’t try to bury it. I carry it. It keeps me sharp, and committed. On the rough days, I remind myself I’m rewriting the ending for someone else. Every person I help is a promise I keep to her.”
“I didn’t meet her, so I can only say this based on everything you’ve told me about her, but I think Carrie would be proud of you.”
