His thumb swept across my knuckles. “You didn’t. You didn’t ruin anything.”
“I thought... when you asked if I wanted to see your tattoo, something about your expression filtered wrong. I thought you were toying with me. Mocking me.”
“Hell, I’m so sorry. Did I do something that came across that way? I never want to trigger you or make you uncomfortable. If there’s something I should change, how I talk or joke or whatever, tell me, okay? I’ll fix it.”
The only way to make sense of my reaction would be to expose myself and I couldn’t do that.
“I can’t explain it. I know it doesn’t make any sense. But when I looked at you, I saw the way Vincent used to look at me, the smug smile and gleam in his eyes he used to get when he realized he’d uncovered something I hadn’t meant to show and he was about to do something cruel with that discovery. I hate that my mind made that connection. Because you’re not like him, Luke. You’ve never been like him. And I’m so, so sorry.”
“Hey. No, you don’t need to apologize for that. Not to me. I get it. Trauma doesn’t knock first and announce its arrival. Sometimes it just shows up, latching onto whatever moment it can get its hands on, and turns the volume way up.”
“But it’s been months, this shouldn’t be happening.”
“Healing isn’t a race. Beating yourself up for not being further along doesn’t help. Sometimes things are gonna crop up that make your brain go whoa! Nope, nope. Warning! Danger! I’m sure the little run-in we had yesterday didn’t help matters.”
“I hate this. I hate that I’m still so easily broken.”
“You’ve lived through something that rewired your alarms. That kind of hurt doesn’t disappear just because time passes or because you wish it would. Sometimes those old alarms are gonna go off even when nothing’s burning, and yeah, it’s exhausting and upsetting. But a moment like this doesn’t undo how far you’ve come.”
“It feels that way. I can be okay for weeks, think I’ve finally built some kind of armor, and then out of the blue, for no reason, suddenly I’m back there. Like no time has passed at all.”
“Maybe you can focus on the fact you recognized it? You realized your mind made a connection it didn’t mean to and the reaction didn’t match the reality. Progress isn’t about never spiraling, but being able to see it when you do.”
“Yeah, maybe. Still bet you didn’t anticipate that plot twist as part of stage three of my camping initiation.”
“Yeah, I didn’t exactly have that on the itinerary,” Luke said with a quiet huff of a chuckle. “But every good adventure requires a little improv. I can roll with whatever you got.”
“Even when what I got is panic and lingering trauma and a brain that can’t tell the difference between a real threat and an imposed one?”
“Yes, even then. You’re one of my closest friends. If I dipped when things got messy, I’d be a shitty person, and I’d hope for your sake you’d drop me like a hot rock. I don’t want you to be perfect. Perfect is boring anyway. I want you to be safe and yourself. Just you. My Ollie.”
Hearing him call me a friend while also calling me his was a special kind of emotional turmoil. The truth of how he saw me, colliding with my hope and skidding straight for my heart. Squeezing my eyes shut, I blew out a long breath.
“If it helps, the whole reason I mentioned the tattoo was I because I wanted to match your effort,” Luke said.
“I don’t understand.”
“You stepped into a weekend of firsts. Your first camping trip. Your first real mountain hike. Your first cold water swim. I dunno, I wanted to give you something no one else had, the same way you gave that to me. I’m sorry it landed wrong and pulled you somewhere painful.”
That made a whole lot more sense than the warped narrative I’d spun in my head. And now, after that sincere confession, I needed to see it. “If that offer still stands, would you show it to me?”
“I’d love to.”
Untying his right shoe, Luke slipped it off, then peeled off his sock and stretched his foot toward the firelight.
Along the ball of his foot, in line with the natural curve of his heel, was a stunningly realistic looking moon.
I should have known Luke’s hidden tattoo wouldn’t reveal itself as some salacious surprise tucked behind a waistband. I shook my head. “It’s on your foot? Seriously?”
“Yep. Carrie and I got matching tattoos on a trip to Vegas when I turned sixteen. Our first real trip without our parents. Since we couldn’t drink or gamble, we had to think of something else to fulfill the Vegas experience. We knew tattoo laws in Nevada were less strict than in Washington, so we walked into a shop that had a reputation for tattooing minors and she claimed to be my legal guardian. No one even questioned it since we shared the same last name.”
I stared at the tiny moon, still reeling. “Why there, though?”
“It was two-fold. We needed a place our parents wouldn’t see it before I turned eighteen. Carrie picked the foot. She also liked the idea of the moon being under us. Though I’d long given up the childish dream of being an astronaut, she knew I was still obsessed with space. She said that way we wouldn’t have to go to the moon, we’d carry it with us wherever we walked.”
“That’s beautiful.”
“It’s one of my favorite tattoos. It meant something then but it means more now. Back then it was thrilling to do something we weren’t supposed to do. Now, it’s a part of her I can carry with me. It’s still our dirty little secret. I like to think whenever I take a step, she’s walking with me.”
