“Awww! That’s so sweet. Is this man for real?”
“I’ve been asking myself the same question every day since I moved in. He does things like that constantly, without everasking for anything in return. It’s like he genuinely enjoys being able to do things for me.” That kind of care still felt foregin.
“Well, now I comprehend the depth of your affliction, oh smitten kitten. Or perhaps I should say, smitten lion.”
“Right? How am I supposed to not be leveled by that kind of emotional sniper fire? It’s like he’s taken a masterclass in unintentional romantic sabotage.”
“Classic himbo behavior, I’m well versed. My cousin’s boyfriend is the same. Strong bod, strong jaw, stronger morals, and zero clue he’s melting hearts simply by existing.”
“That’s Luke in a nutshell. Gentle, emotionally fluent, and clueless when it comes to this particular kind of attention, like it doesn’t register with him that people might be into him, which if I’m honest, only adds to his appeal.”
“If you asked me, I’d say this is a good thing. A beautiful thing. You’re letting yourself feel again, more than fear or survival or guilt. It means something in you is waking up.”
“I suppose it’s just hard to trust, or to trust myself. Like, what if I’m reading everything wrong? What if I’m latching on like an emotional leech to the first person who’s given me safety?”
“Channeling my inner Elijah here, I think that’s a natural fear. When you’ve lived through trauma and abuse you learn not to trust yourself. It’s not foolproof, probably not even psychologically approved, but here’s my litmus test. What is it you like about Luke?”
“He’s balanced. He can be goofy one minute and serious the next. He’s funny, in this dorky, goofy, kind of way. He’s so kind-hearted it makes you want to cry. He’s open-minded and nonjudgmental and he doesn’t subscribe to any of that toxic masculinity bullshit,” I finished.
“My take? That’s not just a trauma response, it’s a genuine crush. You’re not attracted to him only because he’s safe, you admire who he is. Those are personal traits you’re responding to.You can value the refuge he gives you and want more. Someone like you or me is bound to question whether feelings born in safety are real. But they are. In fact, I’d argue that safety is the foundation love should be built on.”
“I guess I never thought of it like that.”
“Stick around, there’s more where that came from.”
“Thank you for approaching me tonight. I’m glad I met you.”
“Hey, people like us, we have to stick together, am I right?”
“Right.”
Chapter 17
Luke
Lazy evenings with Oliver and me lounging on the couch after dinner had become the norm over the last four months. Tonight, he lay against one of the arms of the couch, slim legs outstretched and draped over my lap. One of my hands rested on his shin.
“I have tomorrow and Sunday off,” I said. “I’m not even on call. It’s rare I get a full weekend off. I thought maybe I’d drive up to one of the forests in the area for some camping, get away for a bit. Breathe something other than city air. Would you want to come with me?”
“To the forest? Like an actual tent and sleeping on the ground kind of camping?”
“Authentic tent. Real life dirt. A site in the mountains and surrounded by trees. The whole crunchy granola experience. Though rest assured, we can make it as rugged or as softcore as you like. I’ve got solid gear, including a high-end sleeping pad that practically qualifies as memory foam, and I solemnly swear not to drag you on any twenty-mile soul quests unless you request them.”
“Yeah, I think we can save the twenty-mile ambition for a future version of me.”
“Does that mean you’ll come?”
“You realize I don’t have any hiking attire.”
“Ah, I see what’s happening right now. You’re doing the whole bit where you pretend to dig in your heels while we both know you’re gonna agree.”
Oliver gasped. “I would never. Not having the appropriate clothing is a totally valid excuse.”
“Valid, sure, but also kinda weak, seeing as there’s an outdoor store down the road that’s open for another four hours. And never fear, we’ll find you something solid. Practical and stylish. ThinkProject Runway, but wilderness edition. Function meets flair. We’ll get you something that will make you the best dressed guy in the backwoods by sunset.”
“An enticing offer, but I need to prepare you for something. I’ve never been camping. Like, ever. Not even a backyard tent. If you’re okay with dragging along a clueless first-timer who knows nothing about starting a campfire, will probably trip over a pinecone, and will freak out over any suspicious rustling outside the tent, then sure, I’ll tag along.”
The idea of teaching him everything, of being the person he trusted to show him something new, made me all warm. How could I be anything less than all in?
