I took the cup with a light laugh. “Thank you.”
“You betcha. Now, let’s tend to your battle wounds, brave little soldier.”
“I think you mean let’s clean up my mess after being a stupid coward,” I said.
He looked up at me from the floor. “I meant what I said. You’re not a coward, and you’re definitely not stupid. You’ve been taught to expect anger and violence in moments like this. It makes sense your brain went into defense mode. It’s just doin’ what it’s been trained to do. And I didn’t help by reaching for you like that. I’m sorry for that by the way.”
Lifting my foot out of the water, he patted it dry with a towel.
“Yes, well, it makes sense what you were trying to prevent now. If I hadn’t overreacted, we wouldn’t be here.”
“Be kind to yourself, Oliver. You reacted perfectly reasonably based on everything you’ve been through. You won’t always react that way, but it’s all still so close to the surface. It’s gonna take time.”
I shook my head. “But you were only trying to help, and I acted like you were going to hurt me. Who wants to live with that? With me?”
Luke set the towel aside, studying me. “Okay. So your brain’s being nasty to you, twisting the truth into something cruel. Humor me. Feed me the mean lies, and I’ll shave off the pokey bits.”
“You want me to say them out loud?”
“Yeah. Monsters hate daylight. They shrink there. Let’s give yours a sunburn. Why don’t we start with one you can stomach telling me?”
I hesitated, then said, “I’m exhausting and too much work.”
Luke nodded. “Yep. Nope. Definitely not. You’ve been through hell. Healing like yours isn’t the sorta thing you bounce back from in a few days, it takes time and energy. Yours and sometimes mine. But I tell ya what, I don’t mind. It’s never too much to be there for the people you care about.”
I didn’t know how to let words like that in, if I should reject or cling to them. They slid over me at first, rejected by old defenses, before seeping through the cracks and settling in my chest, burning as they rooted there.
“I ruin everything I touch,” I said, more to test his response than to confess.
“You don’t. You just tried where other people didn’t meet you halfway. You’re not ruin, Ollie. You’re effort.”
That same tightness gathered in my chest, on the left side. My whole childhood came flooding back, every accusation, every shouted reminder I was a mistake, a burden, the cause of every bad day. That voice had never truly gone quiet, it had followed me into adulthood, whispering its poison into every silence. But Luke’s words with their patient gentleness cut straight through the echo.
Leaning forward, he placed a warm hand on my knee. “One more. Give me the cruelest one you’re willing to share.”
“I... I don’t deserve the way you treat me. I don’t deserve kindness.”
Luke’s hand slid down my leg, his thumb working gentle circles into the muscle of my calf. “That one’s easy. Kindness isn’t something you earn. You already qualify by existing. You’ve paid enough pain tax for several lifetimes. Let this be the refund.You deserve every good thing that finds you. Even me, if I’m lucky enough to count as one.”
The tightness in my chest and throat rose until it reached my eyes. I squeezed them shut, trying to hold it all in. What I said next slipped out before I could stop myself. “I think you’re the best thing that’s found me.”
Luke’s hand stilled, eyes fixed on mine. “You’re pretty damn special yourself, Ollie. Which is why, when your brain starts tellin’ you garbage things like that, I want you to kick ’em to the curb with something nicer. And if nice isn’t comin’ to you, come to me. I’ll give ’em the big ole KO, no mercy. I’ll kill every mean thought with all the kindness I’ve got.”
“You’d run out of kindness before I run out of mean thoughts.”
“Not a chance. You only think so because you’ve been around so many people who made you believe that kindness is limited. But that’s not how kindness works. I mean, look at you. You’ve got every reason to be bitter, to lash out, but you don’t. You’re wary, sure, but never unkind. You’re good at giving grace. You just forget sometimes you’re allowed to keep some for yourself.”
“Yeah, well, my brain’s had tenure in the non-grace-giving department for years. Might be a little hard to unseat the faculty.”
“Then I’ll apply for co-professor. We’ll rewrite the syllabus together. Maybe sneak in a pop quiz about self-worth. Extra credit for using complete sentences of self-compassion.”
That earned a small laugh from me, causing Luke’s grin to widen.
“Now, whaddya say to letting me play tweezers surgeon?” he asked, clicking the tweezers together.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Okay, game plan. I’m gonna go biggest to smallest and then I’m going to do an old field trick, getting the smaller slivers out with tape. I’ll try to make it as painless as possible. Sound good?”
