The funeral at the cathedral is as elaborate an event as is expected for the Etheridge name. Inside the great hall, Lords, ministers, British and international businessmen, all dressed in black, come to pay their respects. My parents are greeted at the door by the Cavendish family, who flash us a concerned look but maintain their upper-class, unwavering smiles.
We take our places in the fourth row, behind Thea, Penny, and Caden, who are already seated. Thea taps her feet, shrinking inwards, her eyes flying straight to Berkeley, who sits beside me, wearing his death glare. I nudge his shoulder before she melts into a puddle. I can’t save everyone from Kane’s malevolent grasp, but I owe Thea.
An excruciating half hour later, the somber music erupts, and we are asked to rise.
My heart thumps against my ribcage as I sense her enter the room even before I turn around. Following the mahogany casket, she steps in. Or, at least, I think that’s her. A frail,skinnier version of Eva. She’s lost so much weight; I wouldn’t have recognized her if she weren’t mine. Slowly, my head turns to Thea, who purses her lips and stares at the floor, refusing to meet my eye.
Watching her ghost trail in, the black dress clinging to her bones under the charcoal winter coat, feels like a punch I didn’t see coming. Her hair falls in straight lines, framing her pale face. The only thing that shines about her is the turquoise of her eyes, streaked with tears.
There must be at least five hundred people in the church, but her eyes fly straight to me.
The air sparks with hope between us. Though hope feels like a sick trick right now. A moment of warmth before you are tossed into the frozen lake. She knows better than I do. That’s why there is none in her eyes. Caught up in my stare, she misses a beat in the march, tripping a little in her black high heels, which I don’t know why she bothers with anymore.
An arm wraps around her waist. Daniel steadies her back into the march. The Cavendish family follows Eva and Daniel to the front row. Then, the priest takes his place at the golden pulpit, and the ceremony to celebrate the life of Elton Etheridge commences.
41
EVA
Smoke curls into my lungs,scorching my throat all the way down to my chest. I swallow the sting of my cigarette, which has been a good distraction from what really hurts in my chest.
The burn is toxic. I’ve never been a smoker, but I’m desperate for that taste.
As I stare out of the open window in the cathedral washroom, overlooking the cemetery, my eyes skim the silent graves, fresh and old, lying still in the warmth of flowers and leaves. I wonder how many other people have been here twice in six months to bury three people they loved? And that’s not counting the loss of the living.
I know life isn’t fair. But what the fuck?
Jack Romney’s death was ruled a gang attack gone wrong. Dan returned from the hospital later that night with his arm bandaged, wearing a sling. He checked in on me, but I wasn’t ready to talk. The next day, I woke up to him banging on my door. Grandpa had had a heart attack.
It was a blessing in disguise, really.
He didn’t have to live to see what I had to. But it kills me that I ghosted his call the last time he tried to reach me.
My memories are back. Every single excruciating one. But the nightmares aren’t my chained mind anymore—they’re the grief I’ve been strangled by for too long. And the worst thing? I don’t have him to pull me out of the darkness that is devouring me whole. Not his warmth, nor his unbreakable hold that kept me together.
I didn’t know ifhewould show up today. I can’t say his name. Not even in my head. It hurts too much. But I’m trying to distance myself. I have to. Lovinghimis like drinking poison and craving for more, every bitter drop. But sooner or later, something will die.
Coughing the smoke out, I ditch the rest of the cigarette in the washroom bin then glance at my reflection in the mirror.
I have lost a little weight. Actually, a lot. Thea has been my rock. She moved into my bedroom with her bags the week after and hasn’t budged since. I’m still on extended leave, but Dan—thankful for her presence— requested virtual access for Thea so she wouldn’t fall behind.
She’s worse than Kate. Doesn’t let me out of her sight and refuses to eat until I eat something. Neat trick she picked up in my second week of unintentional fasting. She promised she’d go back to Fort after the funeral. And though I’m not sure how I’ll manage without her, at least I won’t be disrupting her studies anymore.
I slap on a little lip gloss, just to add some color, for the pretenses I must keep. At least, for today.
“Bean, you ready?” Dan knocks on the door.
“You can do this,” I whisper to myself as I turn around and open the door.
Dan frowns at the sight of my face.
“I’m fine,” I groan. “Let’s go!”
He takes my hand and walks with me to the cemetery for the burial.
After the service, we stand at the front of the cathedral, near the steps, thanking each person as they leave. The heaviness of the day wraps around me like a crushing embrace. My heart starts beating faster when the Grants appear at the threshold, slowly making their way to us.
Alessia, stunning even in black, walks up to me, ignoring the protests from the guards who won’t dare touch her. She leans in to kiss me on the cheek, then palms my face and gives me a comforting look before she walks away.
