She nods sympathetically. “I know you’re an adult, and you don’t owe us any explanation about your life. But I’m sorry if your dad or I ever made you feel like you couldn’t be open and honest about your job or your relationship. All we’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy.”
“No, it’s not that,” I say quickly. “I knew you wouldn’t judge me, it’s just…kind of awkward, you know?”
“Well now that everything is out in the open, start from the beginning.”
Mom sips her tea and listens intently as I tell her the entire story, and I’m pretty sure I’m finally out of tears by the time I get to the part about Palm Springs and how I left and drove all the way here.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” she says finally. “But I’m so proud of you for being so mature and speaking up for yourself and what you needed from the relationship, too. It sounds like Luke has a lot to work through, and you did the right thing.”
Her words lift the heavy weight that’s been crushing me since I had to watch the love of my life fall apart as I drove away. Suddenly, I feel as if every muscle in my body has finally givenup supporting me. My exhaustion is bone deep, and it’s the only thing that’s going to help me get any sleep tonight.
Mom pulls me into a tight hug, and I have two thoughts at once:
One, I’m so grateful to have a family that loves me and supports me no matter what.
And two, I’m worried that Luke doesn’t.
32
LUKE
Idon’t think I’ve ever been so drunk I’ve blacked out before, but there’s a first time for everything.
I’m not sure if I had a panic attack or something more severe, but the realization that Riley really and truly left cracked something inside of me that I’m not sure can ever be put back together. A few sips didn’t ease the pain in my chest this time, so I kept going. And going.
Waking up now on the cold wood floor next to the bed, I have no idea whether I ever made it onto the mattress or if I rolled off sometime during the night. The way my head is swimming is a pretty good indicator I’m still drunk. I try to open my eyes, but they’re swollen nearly shut. I manage to crack one open, but the bright white walls are reflecting the late morning sun in a way that feels like an ice pick through my skull, so I abandon my attempts to see anything. Checking in with the rest of my senses, I can hear birds chirping outside and the hum of the air conditioning unit, and I smell the chlorine from the pool wafting in from the open patio door. I must have gone outside at some point last night…thank fuck I didn’t drown myself in the pool, I guess. My cheek is pasted to the floor in a patch of dried drool,and my mouth feels like I spent all night sucking whiskey off a cotton ball.
The memory of Riley walking out the door and not looking back slams into me again. I swallow back tears, my throat so dry that I have to make a couple of attempts. He left. He left, and he didn’t come back.
I didn’t even tell him I love him. And fuck, I love him so much it hurts. I tried to force the words out of my throat, desperate to say them back to him. To assure him that I’m on the same page, that I’m so deeply in love with him that I don’t know how I could live without him now. But I’ve never told anyone that I love them, and the words wouldn’t seem to take the right shape in my mouth, let alone make it past my lips.
And now he’s gone.
Opening my eyes to slits once again, I make an attempt to push up off the floor. My head is throbbing and my biceps are trembling, and I feel as weak as a newborn kitten, but I manage to use the bed as leverage to pull myself upright, at least. The room starts to spin, and I rest my head between my knees for just a moment before blackness pulls me under again.
The next few hours pass in fragments that feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience. The next time I come to, my stomach is gurgling angrily, and my vision is blurry around the edges, but I don’t feel drunk anymore, at least. I manage to stumble to the kitchen and drink two bottles of water and eat a banana before collapsing back into bed and nodding off almost immediately.
When I wake, I have a headache unlike any pain I’ve ever experienced in my life. Riley was ever prepared and made sure to pack some ibuprofen.No. I can’t think about Riley right now.There’s no way I’m spending another night here alone. I just want to break down in the peace of my own home.
I drag myself into the bathroom and pop four painkillers before awkwardly stripping out of my sweaty clothes and making it into the shower. The cold water breathes some life back into me, and the throbbing pain in my head is beginning to abate.
Feeling a little more human, I manage to locate my phone—which is dead. I check the time as soon as it’s plugged in and powered on, and I’m pretty sure I can still make it home at a reasonable hour if I leave right away. Scrolling to my recent calls to find Jess’s number, I see an outgoing call to Riley that lasted two and a half minutes. Jesus fucking Christ. Did we speak last night? Did I make it worse?
Panic grips my heart, slowly squeezing tighter and tighter. I suck in a few deep breaths and focus on dialing Jess.
“Why are you calling me?” she greets with a laugh. “I figured you and your man would spend your entire romantic getaway between the sheets.”
Shame heats my face. Because thatiswhat we should be doing. “We, um…I…” I clear my throat, trying to find words and fight back tears at the same time. “We…broke up instead.”
“What?!”Jess screeches. “Holy mother of fuck, Luke, are you kidding me? What the hell?”
I press my fingertips to my temples and grit my teeth at her volume. “I can’t talk about it now…I just need to get home. Can you call Aggie’s daycare for me and have them bring her home? I should be there in the next three hours or so; they can just drop her off if I’m not back yet.”
“Of course, hon, whatever you need.” The shock in her voice is laced with sympathy, and Icannotdo this with her right now, or I’ll break down again and won’t be able to drive home.
“Thanks, boss.” I clear my throat again, trying to maintain a semblance of composure at least. “You’re a lifesaver.”
I take a few deep breaths when we hang up and push Riley out of my mind. Three more hours. Three more hours and I’ll be home, and I can finally let myself fall apart again.
