He flinches and doesn’t meet my eye, deflating a little.
“I’ve been wracking my brain for the last few days trying to figure out what changed, and I keep coming back to the day Mandy got into town…which was the same day as your collab with Cooper. I asked you that night if something had happened, and you told me no.” I take a deep breath and level a look at him. “So I’m going to ask one more time…what happened with Cooper?”
His shoulders slump as he curls in on himself, and I can sense him shifting from fight to flight. “I didn’t…it was a mistake,” he whispers.
My heart is pounding, but I stay silent, willing him to continue.
He rolls his teeth over his bottom lip and squeezes his eyes shut, voice small and scared when he says, “We…we did the collab at our house.”
“In our bed?” I ask, my stomach dropping.
“On the couch,” he admits, sounding miserable.
I let out a breath of relief. That’s…not ideal, but not as bad. Yes, that’s still our space, and while I don’t love the idea of anyone else being like that with Luke inside our home, I trust that he would have done his best to come up with any other alternative. What I can’t make sense of is why he kept this from me for so long. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“Look, we had to get it done, and his place wasn’t available like I thought it would be. That’s the job sometimes, okay?” He’s getting defensive now and lashing out, but his words still slice me to the core. “It wasn’t a big deal; it’s not like I was trying to break your rules. And last time I checked, it was my name on the title anyway.”
I sag back against the chair as if I’ve been slapped. “They weren’t justmyrules; we came up with them together.” I can’t hide the hurt in my voice. The idea that he’s been considering boundaries that I thought were for both of us as strict rules he has to abide by unwillingly stings. “You told me yesterday that you would answer all of my questions, so I want answers. That’s the whole reason I agreed to come here in the first place. If it wasn’t a big deal, why did you lie to me about it when I asked?”
“Because I didn’t want to dothiswith you!” he snaps, standing up so quickly that the dishes on the table rattle, startling us both. “I just want to forget about it and go back to normal. Why is that too much to ask?”
I gape at him in disbelief. “Because that’s not how relationships work, Luke!” I shout, standing to square off with him. “Were you ever going to tell me about this? You don’t get to just make all of the decisions and leave me out in the cold to try and figure out what’s going on! I’m not a mind reader. These are things we have to talk about and solve together.”
“Well, what’s done is done, and there’s nothing to solve.” His arms are folded across his chest again, his expression one of total apathy that’s so unfamiliar to me, I can’t even begin to make sense of it.
“Oh, there isn’t?” I scoff. “Because the way I see it, all of our problems right now stem from collabing with other people. So no, nothing is solved if we’re going to keep our work open.” He opens his mouth to argue, and I cut him off. “I think we need to take a break from making content altogether for a little while, and I want you to stop drinking every time you feel stressed. We need to figure out if we can make this work outside of our jobs.”
“Not possible,” Luke growls. “I know you’ve got a sweet setup with the money from your grandpa, but the rest of us have to work to pay our bills, Riley. I can’t just quit my job for a few months and expect to pick right back up where I left off. I’vebeen building this business foryears,and I’m not going to throw it away when it’s all I’ve got.”
“You haveme!” I shout, throwing my hands out in exasperation. “Why the fuck can’t you see that? Why won’t you just let me love you?!”
The word detonates like a bomb between us. Luke’s eyes are wide as saucers as he gapes at me, frozen in place.
A tear slides down my cheek, and I’m trembling all over, my heart racing so fast that I think it might beat out of my chest. “I love you, Luke,” I choke out. “God, I’m so fucking in love with you that it takes my breath away sometimes.”
His eyes are bright and filled with a fear I’ve never seen. I watch him struggling to swallow, as if his mouth has suddenly gone completely dry. The silence stretches between us, and my heart sinks.
Fear isn’t supposed to be the reaction the first time you tell someone you love them.
And suddenly, I realize the magnitude of what I’m dealing with. This isn’t just about collabs with other people, or about drinking before a shoot, or about the rules. There is something deeply fractured within Luke, something that isn’t visible on the surface. I don’t know if he’s even recognized it himself yet, but it’s beginning to show in his mood swings and the way he clings to me at night, then pushes me away during the day. What’s broken between us is probably deeply rooted in trauma left over from his childhood, but it can’t be repaired until he’s ready to face it…and I’m not sure he ever will be.
When he says nothing, I continue: “I never dreamed I could love someone the way that I love you. And that’s why I can’t just sit by and watch you self-destruct. I can’t keep waiting and hoping that you’ll let me in when you’re constantly pushing me away and trying to find yourself at the bottom of a bottle.” The tears are flowing freely now, and there’s nothing I can do tostifle them. “I can’t keep having sex with you for work when something is obviously very, very wrong between us. And I don’t want to work with anyone else anymore. So I’m going to take a break. I don’t know how long, but I know I can’t just pretend everything is okay when it isn’t.” I take a deep breath, knowing the answer to my next question before I ask it: “Will you please…please just take one month off work for me? For us.”
Luke’s jaw clenches and he swallows hard again, then closes his eyes…and shakes his head slowly. “I can’t do that,” he whispers.
Knowing it was coming did nothing to cushion the blow, and the sob I’ve been choking back finally breaks free. “Then…I can’t do this with you anymore.” Numbly, I head toward the bedroom, my thoughts reeling with what I have to figure out next. I don’t know if I can order a car for such a long drive, but I know I can’t stay here. If I don’t leave now, I won’t ever.
As I pass Luke, the weight of the situation suddenly seems to hit him, and his fear turns to panic. “Wait…baby, what?” He grabs at my arm, voice pitching up in alarm.
“I’m sorry, Luke.” I grit my teeth to try and fight back the tears, but they won’t stop coming now. I can’t bring myself to say anything more, gently removing his hand from my arm and making my way into the bedroom. I can’t bear to look at the sex-rumpled sheets from last night, turning my back and opening the dresser to remove my clothes.
I hear Luke’s footsteps follow me into the bedroom, and he makes a noise of panic in the back of his throat. “No,” he croaks, rushing over and attempting to push the dresser drawer shut. “I’m sorry… Please stay, baby… Please.”
I try to keep my expression neutral, but I shut my eyes tightly, knowing that if I look at his face, I’ll cave. “I’d like to go home,” I say finally, and I can hear the tremble in my voice.
“Okay, of course,” he agrees, relief flooding his features as he reaches to pull me to him. “We can go home.”
I take a step back before he can reach me. My tears are flowing freely now, and the sight of them sets him into a full-on panic. “Please, baby, we’ll go home,” he begs. “We’ll go home and?—”
