He specifically added this rule about not collabing with others at home, so it must be important to him. I’ve never had to consider someone else when I’m making decisions. I don’t like either of my options, and I’m paralyzed at the prospect of making the wrong choice. I just need to call Riley. He’ll know what I should do.
Diving for my phone on the bed, I see a new text:
COOPER:
So you gonna send me your address or what? I got another thing scheduled tonight so if this isn’t happening I need to know.
Oh, sonowhe has a sense of urgency? Fuck off, Cooper. I dial Riley and wait.
The phone rings and rings before it goes to voicemail. I hang up and immediately redial. Still no answer. I press the heels of my hands into my eyes and try to focus. I hate everything about this. I didn’t even want to do this collab in the first place, but now Ireallydon’t want to. But my career needs this. I can’t afford to have this asshole out here ruining my reputation.
Taking a deep breath, I text Cooper my address. I debate trying to call Riley one more time and decide against it; I don’t want him to worry that there’s an emergency and ruin his time with his sister.
Instead, I make my way downstairs and pace the living room, checking the time every thirty seconds, which only makes me even more anxious. I need something to take the edge off.
My eye catches on the bottle of scotch on top of the refrigerator. Nate brought it back to me from a trip to Scotland, and right now it seems like the solution to all of my problems. One drink will help. My hands are shaking as I pull a glass from the cabinet and pour two fingers’ worth. The first swig eases the tension in my chest just a little, and the second alleviates the anxiety buzz in my brain. I take two deep breaths and close my eyes, finishing off the rest of the glass in one gulp.
When the doorbell finally rings a half hour later than I expected, I’ve barely opened the front door before this surfer twink is pushing his way past me like he owns the place. “Sorry I’m late, I was busy with something else,” he drawls unapologetically.
I grit my teeth against the urge to snap at him.He’s here, we can finally get this over with. Don’t make waves,I tell myself.
Cooper is assessing the place like he’s going to buy it or something, wandering through the kitchen and occasionally opening a cupboard or the microwave or dishwasher. “Your boy-toy isn’t here, is he?”
The tone of his voice has my hackles rising. “Mypartneris out for the day. Why do you ask?”
“Just not about having a jealous twunk hovering around while I work, you know? Kills the vibe.” He runs his hand along the backs of the barstools and slaps his palms down on the island countertop, looking around. “So. You got a bedroom in this place or what? I really need to wrap this up by four.”
I’ve heard the term “seeing red” before, but never truly understood it. I can’t recall too many times in my life where I was trulyangryabout something, but hearing this asshole disrespect Riley in our own house is the trigger, apparently. I want to get this over with and get this guy out of here as fast as possible. “We’ll film on the couch,” I growl, not even attemptingto be polite or accommodating. “The bed belongs to me and Riley.”
“Yeesh, alright, alright, cool it with the alpha shit,” Cooper laughs, holding up both hands in surrender. “I don’t care where we work, bro, I just need to get things going. You got a bathroom I can use at least?”
As soon as Cooper is out the front door, I barely manage to make it to the kitchen sink before unloading the contents of my stomach. My hands are shaking as I wet a clean towel with cold water and press it to my face. I haven’t even redressed except for my boxer briefs, and I’m shivering like I’m freezing, but my skin is so hot to the touch I think I might be burning alive.
The video we got turned out fine, I think, but I’m going to have to do a lot of editing. Some strategic angles and humping should be enough to hide that I wasn’t actually fucking him. I couldn’t even get hard. Everything about this entire collab from start to finish feltwrong,and now that it’s over, I wish I had listened to my gut instinct. I should have called it off when he was hemming and hawing about scheduling a chemistry meeting, because I would have known in ten seconds flat that we weren’t a good match. In my eagerness to get my first collab in months that isn’t Riley out of the way, I fucked up and got careless.
Cooper is an asshole, and our work ethic couldn’t be more opposite, but he’s a good performer, and the fact that I couldn’t get it up had nothing to do with how he was performing andeverything to do with the fact that I couldn’t get it out of my head that I was betraying Riley. He knows what I was doing today. He knows who I was with. He’s not jealous, and he’s okay with it. These are our jobs, and that’s all.
But one of the only things he asked was that we don’t collab with anyone else in our home.Our home.I’ve already fucked it up. Somehow, I always fuck it up, and I lose everything. I can’t lose Riley, too. He’s become an integral part of my life so easily and so suddenly, and the idea of not having him now is terrifying.
The fact that I’m this dependent on him already is equally terrifying. I haven’t depended on anyone else for anything since I turned eighteen, and now this little ray of sunshine showed up and turned everything upside down. I’m not sure how I’ll cope if that sunshine goes away. And he will, I’m sure of it.
One word dawns on me, so suddenly it knocks the wind out of me:hotel.Why didn’t I just tell Cooper to book a goddamn hotel? I’m such a fucking idiot.
I dry heave over the sink again, my stomach cramping violently since there’s nothing left to expel. I’m trembling all over now; my legs finally give out, and I slide to the floor, the pressure in my chest growing tighter and tighter with each breath I try to take. The room is spinning, and suddenly, I’m so fucking scared. I’m scared that I can’t breathe, and I’m scared of what will happen to me when Riley leaves me after he finds out what I’ve just done.
That’s the only possible outcome here. When I was a kid, I got so used to being the one having to leave all the time that I thought once I was an adult living alone, I wouldn’t ever have to leave again. I never counted on meeting someone who would burrow his way into my life and become so important to me. Someone who could leaveme.I don’t know how to have a boyfriend, or how to love…but now the thought of going back tobefore, of sleeping alone and living alone andexistingalone is an overwhelming prospect.
Curling in on myself, I rest my head on my knees and sob.
I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting on the kitchen floor, but my eyes are stinging and raw, and the knot in my chest has loosened enough to allow me to take a few deep, gulping breaths. My shoulders still feel tense, and the sweat has cooled on my skin, giving me full-body chills. I need to get in the shower and find out where I’m supposed to meet Riley.
Riley.
My heart sinks, and the tears threaten to spill over again. But I can’t do this again right now. I need to pull myself together, and I need to talk to Riley.
Climbing unsteadily to my feet, I manage to make it over to the couch and find my phone. I have a missed call and three new texts from Riley.
RILEY:
