Warmth spreads throughout my chest at his words, so calm and confident and sure. “I just…” I trail off, feeling foolish all of a sudden. “I just needed to hear that before you go off and work with someone else.”
“I know,” he murmurs, caressing my cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. “But we’re only posting two videos a month together right now as it is, and then our solo stuff. If we just add in one collab a month with someone else, we’ll still be able to manage everything, and working with other people won’t detract from our work together. We get to keep doing what we like, the fans get a change up once a month, and everyone wins.”
How does he always manage to make everything sound so simple and reasonable? When he puts it that way it doesn’t sound scary at all. I’ll still get him all to myself for two-thirds of our work. I nod.
“Speaking of my favorite,” Riley changes the subject with a wry smile, “You’re turning forty in a couple of months. What are we doing to celebrate?”
“Um…nothing?” I stare at him blankly. “I never celebrate my birthday. It’s just another day, and the older you get the less you want to mark the passage of time. Each new year is just one closer in the march toward death.”
He barks out a laugh at that, showing me that wide, toothy grin that he only saves for me. “That is one of the most morbid things I’ve ever heard. You’re turningforty!You’re healthy, you look incredible, and you have a hot young boyfriend.” He mimes a hair flip. “I’d say age is just a number, babe, you are doing more than fine. And we’re going to celebrate.”
“Ugh, no,” I protest, dropping my forehead to his shoulder. “Can’t I just plan to sleep all day and pretend to be in my thirties forever?”
“Absolutely not,” he chuckles, shaking his head before leaning his forehead against mine. “This is a milestone birthday. So what do you want to do to celebrate?”
I bite the inside of my cheek in thought. Thereisone thing I usually do… “Well,” I begin, that vulnerable feeling creeping up the back of my neck again, “my birthdaydoeshappen to beon the first day of Pride month, so I usually volunteer at one of the local Pride events with the health department. It’s not glamorous or anything, usually it’s just smiling and handing out literature on safe sex and free condoms, but I do it every year. It makes me feel good to give something back to our community, especially since I didn’t get to fully be a part of it till I was an adult.”
Riley twists to look at my face, and the surprise is evident in his features. “I think that’s pretty freaking cool,” he says honestly. “Would you ever want company at something like that?”
It’s my turn to be surprised. “Yeah?”
“Sure,” he says with an easy shrug—well, as easy as you can shrug with your arms around another person. “I’ve never done anything like that, and it sounds awesome. Plus, I love spending time with you, no matter what we’re doing. So if it’s not like a super personal, private thing to you, I’d love to join.”
“I’d love that, too.” I can’t keep the stupid grin off my face. If this is what having a boyfriend is like, why didn’t I get one sooner?
He grins happily and rests his head against mine again. “That’s not good enough, though,” he says decisively after a moment of silence. “If you could do anything at all, what would it be? Sky’s the limit.”
“Take you to Hawaii,” I say without hesitation.
“No, but for real,” he laughs.
“No joke,” I insist. This time, I pull back to look him in the eyes. “I would love for us to take a trip to Hawaii together for my birthday.”
“But that’s somethingIwant to do, not something to celebrate you,” he insists.
“It’s something I want, too,” I reiterate. “You just said you like spending time with me no matter what. Well, same goes forme. I can’t think of anything I want more than to take you away somewhere with no work, no cameras, and no commitments. A week on a beach in paradise with my boyfriend sounds like the best birthday ever.”
Riley’s nickname is fitting because at the moment, he’s glowing from the inside out. His smile can’t be contained, and his eyes are sparkling with an excitement I’ve never seen. Sunshine personified. “Well then, let’s go to Hawaii.”
27
LUKE
Riley is buzzing with excitement as soon as he wakes up. Normally, his energy would be contagious, but today, there are too many conflicting emotions waging war in my mind.
“What time does Mandy’s flight get in again, baby?” I call into the shower, raising my voice to be heard over the running water and the sound of my electric razor as I trim up my facial hair. I have to resist the urge to join him in there, but he’s perpetually worried about running late, and I don’t want to distract him. I have to save my orgasm for the camera later anyway.
“Noon!” he calls back. “I’m gonna pick her up and then we’re going to do some sightseeing until you’re off work, I think.”
Somehow, we got our wires crossed on dates, and I managed to schedule my first collab with someone else on the same day Amanda arrives for her first visit to LA. I think I was more upset about it than Riley was; he assured me that it’s no big deal and that these things happen. I think he knows how much I’m dreading today, and he’s been especially accommodating. He had his first collab last week, with Ethan-somebody. He’s newer to the industry, like Riley, and I haven’t worked with him. Rileyvetted him thoroughly and assured me he’s a good guy, and I trust him. In spite of his awkward roommate situation when he first arrived, Riley has proven over and over that he has a good sense about people, and he wouldn’t work with someone who gave him bad vibes.
I was a nervous wreck the entire twenty-four hours before his collab, and he kept assuring me that everything was okay and that we could talk about it if I wanted to. The problem was, I didn’t really know how to talk about it. I know that what I was feeling was absurd, but I couldn’t stop myself from feeling it. Riley wantsme.He’s intome.Logically, I know that…but no one has ever wanted me before, and I don’t know if I’m quite sure how to handle it. I fluctuate between the overwhelming urge to dump all of my feelings all over him, but at the same time, not understandingwhatexactly I’m feeling, and being afraid that if I open up that much to him, he’ll decide that I’m more of a mess than he signed up for and change his mind.
All rational, normal thoughts, I’m sure.
So, I decided the best thing to do is just white-knuckle my way through it. We’re only doing this once a month each; surely I can push my fears aside for two days out of the month and get the job done.
I did better than I expected with Riley’s collab. He offered to let me come along, but based on how possessive I was feeling over him with Dante before we were even together, I declined. Instead, I stayed home and pretended to watch TV while eyeing the clock and downing a couple too many Jack and Cokes. I had a nice, happy buzz going when Riley came home, and didn’t ask any questions at all. Just pulled him to the couch with me, put onFriends, and promptly fell asleep.
