Riley dating Luke Larson is such a turn off. Literally old news.
Angry tears sting my eyes, and I swipe them away, shutting my laptop a little more forcefully than necessary. What the fuck do these people want from me? We were doing such good numbers that first month we went exclusive, and now everyone is bored?
Not of Riley, though. Of me.
I clench my jaw against the urge to just break down and sob. No matter what I do, I feel like I’m watching my career slowly slip through my fingers, like sand through an hourglass.
The worst part of it is that these last couple of months with Riley have been the happiest I can ever recall being. Waking up to him in the morning and getting to work together every day has been a dream. My sex drive is more voracious than it has been in years, and I’m completely addicted to the freedom and safety I feel when he takes charge of me in the bedroom. Whether he’s topping or bottoming, Riley is always calling the shots, and I’ve enjoyed sex with him these last few months more than I’ve ever enjoyed sex with anyone else. It was good before, but I had no idea it could be this incredible. To see that people think that the bond between us isboringis soul-crushing.
Taking a few more deep breaths, I reach for my phone and dial Jess. She’ll know what to do. She always knows what to do.
She picks up on the third ring and barely has the “hell” in “hello” out when I snap, “Have you seen my numbers this month?”
“Well good morning to you, too,” she bites right back. I wince. I deserve that, and that’s why I love her. She isn’t afraid to put me in my place sometimes. “What’s so wrong with the numbers that earned me a greeting like that?”
“Sorry,” I mumble, chastened. “I’m just freaking out here, okay? Why have I lost half my income in the last ninety days?”
“Youwhat?” That’s got her attention. I can hear her on the other end of the line typing frantically. “That’s not possible, Luke.”
“I’m telling you, my subs are down by nearly half.” I know I sound a bit hysterical now, but the concern in her voice is doing nothing to calm me. “They wanted me and Riley to be exclusive and so we are and I thought it was going fine but now people are canceling and the comments are just saying how tired they are of the same content over and over, and I thought we were keeping it pretty fresh because last week we posted that video on the beach and before that we posted a video from that outdoor hot tub, and?—”
“Okay, okay, just let me look for a second,” she soothes.
My forehead hits the desk with a thump, and I close my eyes, trying to breathe without hyperventilating. It’s silent for far too long, apart from Jess’s occasional, “hmm” and “ohhh, I see.” I fight the urge to askwhatexactly she sees and wait patiently.
“Alright, well, good news and bad news,” she says finally. “Which do you want first?”
Tears are pricking my eyes again. I had hoped she would tell me there was an error, that there was some setting I had turned on or off, and that I’d been reading the stats wrong. “Bad,” I whisper.
“Bad news is, your subscriptionsaredown,” she confirms, not beating around the bush. “It does seem that there are some people who prefer to see both you and Riley be a little more, ah…versatile.”
I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe. I’ve gone nearly my whole adult life without the universe playing a cruel trick like this on me, but suddenly I feel like I’m a kid again, with the illusion of happiness dangled in front of me but swiftly snatchedaway as soon as I reached for it. Of course I wasn’t going to be allowed to be happy with Riley without consequence. Of course I was going to have to choose between him and my career. I don’t deserve to be successfulandbe in love.
Jesus fucking Christ,in love?Is that what this is? It can’t be. It’s too soon. There’s no way he loves me back.It’s too soon,and I’m too afraid of what this all means. The protein shake I made for breakfast is threatening to make a reappearance. My head goes fuzzy, and my vision is dark, but I realize my eyes are no longer closed. I blink rapidly, but it doesn’t help. I try and focus on breathing, but my throat has closed up and I can’t seem to get my lungs to expand. Is this a panic attack? Is that what’s happening to me? Am I dying?
“Luke,honey, you’re scaring me,” Jess’s voice shouts through the phone, and suddenly my lungs open and flood with air.
“Sorry,” I choke out. “I’m here.”
“Do I need to come over? Where’s Riley?” The concern is evident in her tone.
“He took Aggie for a walk,” I reply. My voice is still trembling, but breathing feels a little less painful now. “What do I do, Jess? Is my career over?”
“What? No, of course not! Take a few deep breaths for me, and I’ll explain, okay?”
I nod, forgetting that she can’t see me, but I assume she can hear me doing as I’m told.
“You still with me?” Jess asks after a minute, and I choke out a noise of affirmation. “Okay,” she starts slowly. “Try to listen to me all the way until the end before you panic again. Can you do that?”
“Yes,” I manage, my voice still shaky. I briefly consider pouring myself a drink to help calm me down, but I’m not sure I trust my legs to carry me the few feet to the kitchen at the moment.
“Your subscriptionshavedropped off, but you haven’t lost any income.” Her voice is slow and even, and it does calm me a bit. “Sales on your videos are up, and your page has gotten a lot more traffic in the last two months than ever before. The sub drop-off is probably because you had a major spike before the two of you did that Q&A. So I know the numbers look scary, but it’s all balanced out. You’re doing fine. Subscribers fluctuate all the time.”
My pulse slows a little. That all makes sense. But those comments… “Do you think I should open back up to collabing with other people?”
Jess hesitates. “I don’t want to tell you what to do with your relationship,” she says cautiously. “I think you need to talk to Riley about that. Based on these numbers, I’m not sure I’d say youneedto, but I don’t think it would hurt you to, either. You’ve also got a massive backlog of content with others that we can start pushing out as daily deals if you want. It’s completely up to you. But don’t do something drastic just because of a couple of months of sub spikes.”
The idea of working with other people makes my stomach roll. I don’t want that at all. But what if Riley gets stuck without a career if I age out and no one is interested in my content anymore? Or, God forbid, we don’t work out? He’s just starting out, and I don’t want him to put all his eggs in my basket. I would never forgive myself if I ruined his career because he was exclusive with me and then couldn’t get work after I’m not relevant anymore.
