We chat and laugh and drink as if my sudden self-awareness epiphany never happened.
14
RILEY
My lungs are burning and sweat is pouring down my naked back, legs pumping through the heavy sand beneath my feet. Running on the beach is about ten times harder than running on pavement, or even on a trail, but I push myself to make it to the pier before I stop for a breather. Just a little farther…
I’ve been going crazy at my place these last few days. Other than some brief texts (initiated by me), I’ve barely heard from Luke at all since our threesome. Now that Jess is officially running my Fanboy page, I’m running out of excuses to text him. And when I do, he answers right away and he’s polite, but his messages lack the warmth they had a few weeks ago. I can’t help but worry that maybe he finallyhasgotten sick of me. He certainly had a life before I got here, and I’m sure I’ve just been taking up time and space. We’ve done two collabs together already, and he’s probably ready to move on to someone new.
I wish I could get myself to feel the same.
I loved our collab with Dante. The fanboys did, too, and they’ve been speculating wildly about who I’ll work with next. I’ve had no shortage of messages in my inbox, but I haven’tbeen able to bring myself to schedule anything else since. I’ve done a few solo videos, and I’ve been reposting the teasers from the three collabs I’ve done so far, but I know if I want to keep gaining momentum, I’m going to have to put some new content out soon.
Huffing and puffing, I make it to the pier and collapse into a heap in the shade. I’ve worked out five days a week since I was in high school, so I’d consider myself to be fairly fit. But beach running is a whole new level of challenging. It’s exactly what I needed to get out of my own head for a bit.
I plant my palms in the sand and lean back to open up my lungs a bit more, watching the people on the beach as I catch my breath. People watching in California is a lot more interesting than people watching in Oklahoma. Everyone has their own story, but the diversity I see here is staggering. In a good way. I’m so used to everyone looking like me and talking like me, it’s nice to see and hear people whose life experiences are nothing like mine. Even Luke is completely different from me. Other than being gay men, we have nothing in common as far as our backgrounds are concerned. I can’t imagine where I would be or what I would be like without my family, and I admire Luke’s strength to navigate his life and sexuality and career all on his own, but it also makes me a little sad.
A little girl shouts nearby, and I’m snapped out of my thoughts and scrambling to my feet before I can even think twice. There are lifeguards at this beach, but my first thought is that someone is drowning, and my head whips around to find the source of the sound.
The shout is followed by a few surprised gasps and delighted laughter, and that’s when I spot a small group of people staring into the water a few feet away. Confused, I follow their line of sight to a dark blob barely visible in the surf. I barely get a glimpse of the thing before the frothy white surf has swallowed itup…but then a moment later it reemerges, and I can finally make out the fins and the beady black eyes of a sea lion.
I laugh out loud and quickly fumble for my phone in my shorts when I recognize the plump marine mammal. Jello is swimming and diving in the shallow water, far more agile than I expected she would be from the way she was lazily sunning herself on the beach a couple of weeks ago. Hitting record on my camera app, I capture a few seconds of her joyous body surfing and attach it to a text that I fire off to Luke.
I’m still watching with the rest of the crowd when my phone buzzes with a text:
LUKE:
JELLO! Is that at Santa Monica? Are you still there?
My grin is wide and stupid at the response. It’s much more enthusiastic than anything I’ve gotten from him lately, and I quickly type back that I just finished a run but might hang around since I don’t have anywhere to be this afternoon.
LUKE:
Awesome, stay at the pier. Aggie and I will be there ASAP.
My stomach flutters at that. Here I was moping that I hadn’t heard from him, and now he’s coming here to meet me? I was planning to stay at the beach for a bit and maybe grab a bite to eat anyway, just to avoid running into Tyler.
I’ve done my best to get to know my roommate, but he’s made it clear he’s not interested in being friends. I can’t quite figure out if it’s me in particular that annoys him, or if anyone would get the same treatment regardless. I try not to take it personally, but prior to moving here, I had hoped that havinga roommate would mean that I’d have someone I could make friends with right away. Wishful thinking, I guess. Tyler has about all the personality of a pair of wet jeans, from what I can tell so far anyway, so I just try and stay out of his way when he’s home.
I’ve gone out to a few gay clubs to try and meet some friends, too, but it seems most people are looking for hookups rather than friendships, and I have no interest in the substance abuse that seems to run rampant in the queer party scene here. Luke is the only real friend I’ve made so far. He’s been the only solid ground since I’ve been here, and I don’t want to lose him.
Jello has floated up onto the sand to rest, and her onlookers have wandered away, leaving the two of us alone on this stretch of beach. We watch each other for a while, and I manage to snap a few pretty good photos before she waddles back into the ocean and disappears into the waves. Hopefully, she’s off to find her family.
A wave of homesickness rolls over me. I text my mom and Mandy pretty regularly, but I miss my dad. He’s not much of a texter, and he never really caught on to the cell phone business. Half the time, he doesn’t even know where his phone is, so if I need something, it’s best to just call Mom. I need to call soon. Thanksgiving will be here before I know it, and I need to ask my parents what dates I should book my plane ticket for.
I’m browsing flights when I hear a familiar bark and look up to see Luke carrying Aggie toward me, her little body vibrating with excitement.
Luke looks absolutely delicious today in a pair of denim cutoffs that are obscenely short and a black T-shirt, with a black baseball cap that says “Make America Gay Again” in rainbow letters, topping off the ensemble. I have to tamp down the urge to climb him like a tree right here in the middle of a public beach.
As they approach, Luke allows Aggie to leap from his arms into mine, and she’s licking all over my face before I can stop her. “Hi there, girl,” I laugh, kissing her right back. “Did you miss me? You should have told your daddy to bring you for a visit sooner!”
Luke double-checks that her harness is secure and the leash is attached before taking Aggie and setting her gently on the ground. Her nose immediately begins working as she roams back and forth, tugging on the leash. Luke keeps a close eye on her to make sure she isn’t eating anything she finds. “Seriously, she putseverythingin her mouth,” he grumbles. “Like a toddler.”
“You’re a pretty good dog dad, you know that?”
He full-onblushesat the compliment, and I think it might be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. “Want to walk a bit? This is the first time I’ve brought her to the beach. She loves taking baths, so I’m curious what she’ll think of the ocean.”
“Sure,” I laugh, falling into step beside him as Aggie pulls us along the shoreline. “So…you been busy with work?” I try to sound as cool as possible, hoping it comes off like small talk and not the desperate need to know what he’s been up to and why I haven’t seen him lately.
