“So, what’s the deal with you and Riley?”
I choke on the first sip of my drink. Jesus, she’s as direct as ever. I don’t even know why I thought I was fooling her in the first place. “What do you mean?” I cough, eyes watering and throat burning.
“Don’t even act like I haven’t seen that massage video,” Jess says, rolling her eyes. “I’ve never seen you look at someone like that before. And the way he looked atyouat the end? Spill.”
“You watched the whole thing?!” She’ll watch bits and pieces to grab clips for promo sometimes, and the nature of her job requires her to see me naked a lot, so it’s not like I’m suddenly shy about it…but there’s no way I’m avoiding this conversation now.
“Honey. Please. You met this boy just a few weeks ago, and you’ve already worked with him twice. You’re suddenly ‘busy’ and I never see you. You underestimate both my knowledge of you and my powers of deduction.” She feigns a hurt look, and I roll my eyes. “If you two are an item and you didn’t tell me, I swear I’ll quit right now.”
“No!” I say a little too quickly and way too loudly. A few heads turn our way, and I shrink back into the booth. “You’re not allowed to quit. I can’t be expected to run my own page, I’m too old to learn new things!”
“I’m two years older than you! But fine. You’ve convinced me. Now, what’s going on with Riley?”
I take a big gulp of my drink. I’m going to need some liquid courage for this conversation. “Nothing,” I sigh. “I mean, we’re friends, I think. I’m not sure.”
“But…you want to be more?” she prompts.
And there it is. The big question I haven’t wanted to ask myself. What would it look like to bemorewith Riley? I’m staring into my drink, avoiding responding because I’m not sure what to say. As odd as it may sound, I’ve never considered myself a very sexual person—at least when it comes to the intimacy part of sex. I enjoy sex a lot, and I’ve never had a shortage of it with my job, but it’s always just been about momentary pleasure for me. I meet up with someone, have a good time, get paid, and move on to the next one. Any kind of emotion tied to it is completely abnormal for me. I’ve never really needed to go looking for sex outside of work because it was always readily available, and now I’m starting to think maybe that isn’t normal after all, but what am I supposed to do about it now?
“Luke?” Jess says softly. I don’t know what it is about the tone of her voice, but suddenly I’m blinking back tears. “Oh, honey…” She reaches over and grips my hand in hers tightly. “What’s going on with you?”
“I don’t know,” my voice wobbles, and I cringe. “I don’t know why he’s different, Jess, and it kind of scares the shit out of me, you know? I’ve never really thought about a relationship with anyone or how that would work with my job.”
“But surely he would understand since he’s in the industry, too?”
“Barely,” I snort. “And that’s the other part of it. Even if I did want to try and be something more than friends, what would that even mean? What if he’s not interested at all? He’s this hot, young newcomer, and I’m just this boring-as-fuck old guy who’s more interested in staying at home with my dog these days. I mean, Jesus, I was learning to drive when he was born. He’s inhis clubbing prime, and I’m way past all that. What could we possibly have in common?”
“Well, that’s the fun part of a relationship,” she says pointedly. “You get to find out. It sounds like you guys have been spending some time together; what does he like?”
“He’s gone running with me a few times. He likes to work out. He’s told me about his family. He really loves them, and you know I can’t relate to any of that…” When did I finish this drink? All that’s left is the alcohol-soaked ice at the bottom of the glass. “He wants to travel. See the world. He likes Aggie a lot. That’s all I really know.”
“It sounds like you have a lot in common then! Working out, traveling, Aggie…that’s a really good start! And you guys looked pretty compatible sexually from what I saw.” She waggles her eyebrows and laughs at what I’m sure is an expression of utter horror on my face.
I need another drink for this. Luckily, our food arrives before I have to respond, and once we’re situated with a second round of drinks, my tongue is feeling a little more loose, and the wave of anxiety has receded a bit from the forefront of my mind.
“I like him a lot,” I blurt. “And I feel like a dumb kid with a crush because I’ve never felt like I did that day on our shoot. I’ve never had real feelings about or during sex, and I guess I thought that was normal. I’m not sure what to do with myself if it isn’t.” I focus on my plate of tacos, unable to meet Jess’s eyes. “Nothing feels normal with Riley. And that’s kind of…scary.”
I can see Jess nodding sympathetically out of the corner of my eye as I take another bite. “That’s totally understandable. And it’s normal to be scared, too.”
“Says the woman who’s perpetually single by choice.”
“That doesn’t mean I don’t know about relationships! I’m great at relationships, I just don’t want one. I’m perfectly happy on my own, thank you very much.”
“I thought I was, too,” I grumble. “God, this whole thing has midlife crisis written all over it, doesn’t it?”
“Wanting to be in an intimate relationship with someone isn’t a midlife crisis, honey,” she says gently. “That’s human nature. If you want that with someone, then you deserve to have it.”
My eyes are suddenly stinging, and my throat feels tight. I can’t even make myself eat as her words try their best to sink in. I don’t think I’ve ever believed I deserve to have love. Intimacy seemed like something that was for other people, but not for me. Growing up, I saw other kids in happy families, and no matter how badly I wished for it or wanted it, it never happened for me. Eventually, I just accepted that some people aren’t meant to be loved, and I must be one of them. I didn’t have a bad life without love…it was the hoping for it that always hurt. I can’t let myself hope for it again. Not with someone I could actually have any kind of emotional attachment to…who may not feel the same.
“Luke, look at me.”
Jess’s voice pulls me out of my panic, and I force myself to look at her. I’m surprised that my cheeks are wet, and I feel like a fucking idiot. I hardly ever cry, and now I’m getting all choked up over something that probably won’t even happen. In front of my assistant, of all people. And fine, she’s my friend, too, but this is definitely in the top ten most humiliating moments of my life.
Setting her fork down, Jess turns in the booth so that her body is facing me, and she takes both of my hands in her own. Her usual teasing attitude is completely gone, and there’s a sincerity in her eyes that makes me want to shrink away. I blink a few times and force myself to keep her gaze. “You are beautiful. You are enough. I don’t know what all goes on in that pretty head of yours, but you need to know that. If you want more with Riley, you deserve to have it.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and clench my jaw hard to keep more tears from spilling over. My mind and heart are both racing. I can’t let myself absorb her words right now. I can’t let myself hope. I pull my hands free and press them to my eyes. Taking a few deep breaths, I finally feel safe enough to talk. “Thanks, Jess,” is all I can manage.
Like the good friend she is, she smiles, leans over to kiss my cheek, and changes the subject.
