“Riley David Cunnigham, you’d better spill the tea right now,” Amanda warns, but her voice is quivering with excitement, not disapproval.
I’m blushing so hard I think my face might actually catch fire, and I’m really glad we’re not on a video call. “I just…I wanted to try something new, and that’s part of the reason I came out here,” I continue slowly. “I didn’t really know if anything would come of it, or where to even start, so I emailed a really well-known photographer about…you know…maybe starting my own Fanboy page…”
“Oh mygod,” Amanda squeals, and I have to pull the phone away from my ear. “This is too good. I can’t believe I don’t have popcorn right now!”
This is the most embarrassed I’ve ever been in my entire life, I’m certain of it. If a black hole opened up in the middle of my mattress and swallowed me whole, it wouldn’t be the worst thing. But I’m committed now. “I didn’t think he’d actually email me back, but he did…and he wanted to film me. Like in a collab. With…with Luke.”
“Did you do it?! Please tell me you did it, this is the most interesting you’veeverbeen, little bro.” I can hear pots and pansclanging in the background like she’s putting dishes away, and the fact that she’s doing something so normal while having this very bizarre conversation with me is oddly comforting.
“Please don’t call me that right now.” I cringe. “Telling my sister I’m doing porn is already bad enough, I don’t need the reminder of who we are to each other at this exact moment.”
“Sorry, sorry!” Amanda laughs. “I just have to admit, of all the things I thought you were going to say, that was definitely not it. Not even top ten. I’m proud of you, though! I mean, as long as you were safe and everything? This Luke guy was nice to you, right?”
“Of course he was nice!” The indignation in my voice surprises me a little. I mean, obviously we talked about sexual health and expectations and all of that on the first night, but I still feel defensive of him for some reason. “Luke is actually a really good guy. Like, I’m kind of sad the collab is already over. He wasn’t really anything like I thought he would be. I didn’t expect him to be an asshole or anything, but I guess I’ve just never met anyone like him who’s so…I don’t know…unapologetically queer. You know? He’s probably the first openly gay man I’ve ever known that I didn’t meet cruising for a hookup in college.”
“Ew, TMI.” I can picture the look on my sister’s face, and I can’t help but laugh.
“Oh, so talking about filmingpornis okay, but cruising is what makes you clutch your pearls?”
“Shut up,” she grumbles. “It’s just different! Porn is like a real job; cruising is just sex.”
Something about hearing my sister, who grew up in the same religious household that I did, refer to porn as areal jobmakes my heart swell with pride. I should have known she wouldn’t judge me. I don’t know why I was so nervous to tell her in the first place. “Anyway, it just felt really nice to meet someonelike me who’s lived a few more years of life and seems happy and successful. I’d actually really like to be friends with him…or something.” I groan and cover my eyes with my hands. “God, that sounds so lame.”
“I don’t think it’s lame at all,” Amanda says gently. The noise in the background has ceased, and I can tell I have her full attention now. “The likelihood of you finding something—or someone—like that here at home was really slim. I think it’s great that you’ve met someone that you can trust and explore your sexuality completely with. Especially since you didn’t have that growing up. I know Mom and Dad did their best once you came out, but it had to be really lonely before that. And even after, it wasn’t the same as what you’re doing now. I’m really proud of you, little bro, and you should definitely ask this Luke guy to hang out.”
I can’t speak for a moment, tears burning behind my eyes and a lump forming in my throat. “Thanks, Mandy.” My voice comes out gruff, and there’s no way she can’t tell I’m on the verge of tears, but thankfully, she doesn’t call me out on it.
“Of course,” she replies emphatically. “Now tell me about this Luke and this collab business! I mean,notthe sex part, obviously, but the other stuff.”
“God, he’s so hot,” I whine. “But it’s not even just his body. He’s so gentle and sweet, and not at all what you would expect from a guy who looks like him. Outwardly, he looks like every other gym rat poster boy for toxic masculinity, but he’s really just this big softie. He’s been in this business for years, and he’s been super successful, so I hope I get the chance to talk to him more about the ins and outs of it all. He gave me the name of his personal assistant, and she’s been helping me too, which is cool. I feel like I hit the jackpot, sis, I really do. Luke was the perfect partner for my first time.”
“Wow, perfect, huh? Sounds like someone has a little crush,” she teases.
“Well, duh.” I roll my eyes. “You’ve seen his pictures. But he’s way out of my league.”
“Don’t sell yourself short like that!” she scolds. “You might drivemebatshit crazy most of the time, but other people seem to like you well enough, so I’m sure he does, too. And you’ve already slept with the guy, so he must find you attractive. You should hang out with him. Just as friends, at least. It sounds like you could learn a lot from him.”
What would he do if I just asked him to hang out, I wonder? Do people do that here, or is that a dorky Southern thing? Would he just think I’m weird?
I tell my sister I’ll think about it, and we chitchat and catch up some more on her latest drama at work (she works in human resources for a big corporation, and her stories arewildsometimes), before she makes me promise to at least find time to call Mom soon, and we hang up.
I know I’m really lucky to have a family that’s so supportive. Not just with my coming out, but with anything I’ve ever wanted to do. Even when I wanted to be a cowboy as a kid, my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be and signed me up for horseback riding lessons for a summer. When I came out, my dad went to the local library and checked out every book he could find about parenting queer kids. And Amanda has always been a pain in the ass, but I think the reason I didn’t really get bullied in school was because everyone was scared of what she’d do to them if they made fun of me. I definitely won the family lottery. Maybe I should just tell my parents what I’m up to, instead of hiding it from them…
Nah, still too weird. Telling a sibling is one thing; parents are another story entirely.
My stomach grumbles loudly again. I’m just debating if I should get up and figure out what I’m going to eat for dinner, or if I want to spend a little alone time with that teaser clip of me and Luke again, when my phone buzzes with an incoming text:
LUKE:
So…Nate says the video will be ready by tomorrow. I wanted to see if you wanted to come over and post them at the same time. I can make dinner.
No worries if you’re busy, just figured you might like the company.
I’m grinning like an idiot. I know I am, and yet even a meteor crashing into Earth at this exact moment couldn’t wipe the smile from my face.
ME:
What time?
