And there it was, the rejection she’d feared all along.
But as she tried to gather herself, to guard what was left of her already battered heart from more pain, he added, ‘This relationship can never be real.’
‘Why not?’ she asked, but she could see the answer she’d feared in his eyes.
‘Because that is not what I want. And it never was. Not even as a boy.’
It wasn’t true. Sheknewit wasn’t. She had seen how lonely he had been that summer, the way he’d softened towards her over the weeks, even when he’d tried to disguise it. Even as an eight-year-old, she’d understood—he’d needed her.
But she couldn’t reach this man the way she’d once been able to reach the boy.
And she would only hurt herself more now if she tried.
‘You know that day your father came to visit you, I hated him so much. The awful things he said to you, the way he talked to you as if you were nothing. It was so obvious he didn’t know you, that he didn’t care about you…’
He stepped forward, his face rigid with rejection now. ‘Don’t talk about that day. I don’t ever want to hear you talk about it again.’
‘He hurt you, and you were already so broken…’ she carried on, despite his warning tone, refusing to be silenced again. ‘But you know why I recognised how broken you were?’
He didn’t respond, his gaze fierce with fury.
‘Because my father had already abandoned me, too.’
He flinched, and she saw a moment of regret cross his features. But that too was ruthlessly controlled. ‘This has no bearing on your deception now.’
She shook her head, feeling sick inside.
‘When did you becomehim, Dario?’ she whispered. ‘When did you close yourself off from your emotions so completely, that you believed the lies he told you about Sante? When did you convince yourself that it’s better to feel nothing than to let yourself get hurt?’ She gulped, because he was staring at her now as if she’d lost her mind.
She didn’t care. She wasn’t going to let him gaslight her and make out like she was the coward here.
‘I didn’t tell you I was Tali because I was convinced you didn’t remember me, and you know why I was convinced about that? Because for a moment, I didn’t recognise you either that day in the library.’ She glanced at his scar, which flexed as he clenched his teeth. ‘Oh, I knew who you were, the scars, your injured leg, but I didn’t recognise the boy who could smile, who could laugh, who I’d managed to draw out of his shell… Until we were in Sicily and then Capri… But that was all just an illusion, wasn’t it? You were on an endorphin high that I’d supplied.’ She gulped in a painful breath, the sickness, the regret, the devastation almost more than she could bear. ‘I get it now… It wasn’tmeyou wanted. It was just some great recreational sex, and to get your mother’s palazzo back.’
‘I never promised you more…’ he began, his words so terse and defensive she wanted to scream.
‘No, you never did. And that’s on me. But you knew every time I reached for you, every time you reached for me, that I wanted more… And on some level, you let me believe therecouldbe more. You know, my dad made me think I had no value because he didn’t want me. I won’t let you do the same…’ she declared, even though she knew in many ways she already had. Because it was going to take a very long time to repair her heart.
She threw up her hands, looking round the library she’d always loved. The place where she’d agreed to his bargain, in order to save it… The place that was tarnished now… Because it was a symbol of how stupid she’d been to think a pile of stone and mortar, however grand, however beautiful, however important to her, and the people she loved, couldevermean more to her than her pride and confidence and self-respect.
She’d allowed herself to fall in love with a man who’d closed off his heart a long time ago—and she’d been too starry-eyed and optimistic to truly have known she couldn’t fix him too, the way she’d had the tiles on the roof repaired, or the potholes in the driveway filled.
‘If you want to sell Westwick, to demolish it, I can’t stop you…’ she said, utterly defeated. She’d failed her colleagues, her mum, and that hurt, but she’d failed herself more. ‘Because our bargain is done.’
She turned and walked away from him. He didn’t say anything to stop her, the silence deafening… Somehow, she managed to keep the tears inside her, until she walked down the stairs, past the workmen, then through the hallways smelling of fresh paint. She broke into a run, though, as she passed the carriage house, where her old office was, and the flat that was no longer her home, and rounded the stables until she reached the path through the fields leading towards the woods and her mother’s cottage.
She’d have to tell her mum and Ellie and George and everyone else how badly she’d fucked up, soon. But somehow losing Westwick, and everything she’d worked so hard to save by making that stupid deal with him, didn’t feel as painful as losing the dreams she’d nurtured for the last few weeks—god, maybe even years—that she could be the one to scale the walls Dario Lorenti had built around his heart.
Chapter Fifteen
‘I—IHAVE TOtalk to everyone, tell them they’re losing their j-jobs,’ Tali murmured, her voice jerking through the gulping sobs she hadn’t been able to contain since her mother had arrived at the cottage ten minutes ago.
‘Honey, don’t worry about any of that yet…’ her mum said, her voice soothing, her arms tightening around her as Tali knelt by the old armchair and hugged her mum’s knees, trying to gather the strength to stop crying and start planning. ‘You’re distraught, Tali. There’s no need to…’
‘There’s e-every need, M-Mum.’ She raised her head, forced herself to stop burying her face in her mother’s lap like a child instead of a grown woman. ‘Don’t you see, it’s all my f-fault. I’ve lost everyone their jobs, and you your home, because I c-couldn’t get it into my stupid head that this relationship was always fake.’
Her lungs tightened with panic.
‘I don’t even know if he’ll give them severance pay,’ she said, starting to feel nauseous again. ‘He was so angry with…’
