Have a Jolly Joric Christmas
By Elamy Pride
Chapter 1
Jordan
“Eric, my dear darling man, who I love so very much. Can you please remind me why the fuck we agreed to host a bunch of absolute heathens for Christmas?” I ask flapping my arms toindicate the mountain of dishes piling up at the sink. We have used every single pot and pan we own, plates from our cupboard and Pete’s. “I’m not doing the washing up. In fact, let’s just throw it all away and buy more” I suggest, unamused by my boyfriend's laughter.
“Hmm, while that is a great idea, how about you go sit down with our friends and I can do the washing up later. You cooked an incredible meal, you get to relax now, besides there is eggnog and presents” Eric drops a kiss to my forehead and I can feel the tension drain from my body. Sliding my arms around his waist I rest my cheek to his chest and drink him in. With his familiar arms wrapped around me I feel my common sense slowly filtering through the anxiety. Mess overwhelms me apparently.
“You’re right, it can be tomorrow's problem. Let's go open the secret Santa gifts. That should be fun” Eric leans back and looks at me, raising an eyebrow.
“Didn’t you get Drew a cheese grater?”
“Yup” I pop the p with a smirk. “He may as well grate the cheese he lavishes on Ryan” I laugh. I seriously crack myself up.
“Jordy, come on. We are all waiting” My best friend hollers from the family room. I can hear the faint melodies of Christmas music and the loud laughter from my friends. We finished dinner a little while ago, Eric ushered everybody into the lounge to relax so we could clear the table. I didn’t think we had taken that long but they are getting impatient to open the gag gifts.
Secret Santa has been going for a few years between the guys and I. It’s not really a competition but I definitely win every year. I take great pride in my gift picking abilities. I never phone it in. Ask Eric, I always get him exactly what he never knew he needed. This year I bought him a genuine world war II bayonet. When we bought this house, I surprised him with a trophy room as such. A place he can display all of his WWII memorabilia. He was so overwhelmed with the gesture he rimmed me for an hour straight. I came twice. Pretty sure I was the winner there too.
Stepping into the family room, I look around at the people in my life. Ryan and Drew cuddled into each other on the couch with Gavin sitting beside them with Pete perched on his lap as usual. Roman and Carter have taken up residence on the floor with a mound of oddly shaped gifts in front of them. The look of mischief on Carter's face promises entertainment when they are handed out.
Then we have Blake, my honorary son, sitting on the arm of a chair currently occupied by his boyfriend. He seems nice, I mean he has to have large cojones to come here to a room with so many intimidating figures in Blake's life. There isn’t one of us that wouldn't kill for that kid. Not that he’s a kid anymore. Apparently they met in college and have been dating for around three months. Marcus I think, could be Mario. I was kind of preoccupied being in complete fucking shock that Blake brought his boyfriend for Christmas, a boyfriend that I never knew existed.
He seems nice, whatever his name is. I suspect the only reason the guys aren't interrogating him is because he is looking at Blake like he hung the moon and the stars. It’s adorable.
“Sit Lashes,” Eric directs me into the last remaining chair and perches on the edge. I smack a kiss to his cheek in thanks. All of us turned to look at Carter, waiting for an explanation for not only the multiple presents in his lap, but the way he's practically dancing with excitement.
“Go on then, before you pee on my floor” He's up on his feet so fast he almost topples over the Christmas tree. I thought Pete was the clumsy one at Savage Ink. Carter must give him a run for his money.
“I know the whole point of secret Santa is to give a gift in secret, but I found an awesome lady on Tiktok called Heleen who made these for me. I think she was South African maybe. Such a cool lady. I got her info, I know you guys are going to want more of these. I have a wicked collection. You guys are going to fucking love it” I’m pretty sure his mouth is moving faster than his brain and he’s rambling excitedly as he hands each of us a present, roughly wrapped in colorful paper and weirdly shaped. There isn't much weight to it either, so not a monster dildo then. Shame.
Unfortunately when I tear the personalized Christmas paper, - with pictures of Carter and Roman English bulldog Hulk, wearing a Santa costume all over it, - off, I’m none the wiser as to what the fuck it is. Looking around the room all the guys are holding up varying colors of what I can only describe as a plastic cock with legs.
“It’s a Dikasaurus,” Carter announces proudly. Turning the rainbow striped glittery cock in my hand I take in the finer details I hadn’t noticed at first. There is a tail, distinctly dinosaurfeet that seem to be cradling, T-rexed sized balls, that have a texture to them, mimicking a hairy nut sac. The body of the beast is a fully erect cock, complete with thick protruding veins on the shaft and a shine on the tip that is both mesmerizing and disturbing.
Stunned silence fills the room as one by one everybody studies their gift. Ryan is the first to break, then a Mexican wave of laughter erupts. Carter, who had begun to deflate thinking nobody liked their gift, starts to puff up again.
Chapter 2
Eric
“Oh my god, these are funny as hell” Ryan wheezes out his words with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard. Not that I can blame him. These things go past grotesque and land firmly in thekind cute, kinda weird category. Carter is beyond pleased with himself and fair enough, these are kinda genius.
“I must name him. Sir Richard the first. Master Dik if you’re naughty” Jordan winks at me. His rainbow striped dino dick butting heads with my matching one.
“I named my megasourarse….get it?” Carter laughs, his head thrown back and his husband just shaking his head fondly. I bet it's chaos in their house.
“What will we name yours, Oh I know Patdick…instead of Patrick” Jordan offers killing himself laughing as he takes them both and starts to scan the family room for the perfect place to put them. “Patdick and Sir Richard, happily ever after, I love them Carter. You have surpassed yourself this year.”
“Dickalas Cage” Gavin announces with a straight face which just sets the whole room off again. How can somebody have little to no reaction to the absurdity of this conversation?
“Do mine next” Pete demands, shoving his neon yellow dino dick in his husband's face.
“That's easy, Jelly bean. Yours is called Jelly Peen.” The way Gavin says it, like it's the most obvious answer in the world and he's slightly bored by the questions makes me like him even more than I already do.
“If his is Megasourarse, is yours Minisourarse?” Ryan asks his brother who just shrugs and nods.
