Of course Pete is a good employee, that’s why I’m being a concerned boss. I know what it’s like and I definitely don’t want Pete to feel as if he has no one to talk to. I sure as hell didn’t. Not when Adam killed himself, not when I drowned my sorrows in a bottle of whatever was available. Perhaps I shouldn’t have questioned him about it in front of the others. I probably embarrassed him. That really wasn’t my intention. Shit maybe I have fucked up here. My knee jerk reaction was to try and help but clearly I went about it the wrong way.
Not everyone has the same sick relationship with alcohol as I do. I know this. The guys know I don’t drink and they never make a big deal out of it, or even question it. I have no problem with the guys having a drink in my presence or getting so drunk that they need me to help them. So why is this bothering me so much?
Because it’s your Jellybean.
I groan in frustration because the last thing I need right now is Adam’s voice pointing out the obvious.
Come on, Gavin. You know it’s because he is not just another guy from the shop. He’s your guy.
Like fuck he is. This whole situation just proves that I should stay as far away as I can from him.
Nope, this situation just shows how much you care about him, and want to be there for him.
Of course I want that. I just told him that I’m here if he wants to talk.
Don’t you think it’s time to admit that you like the guy?
Of course I like him. From the moment I met him he was like the perfect summer storm. A tornado, a whirlwind of energy just blowing right through the walls I’ve built up around myself, then he stands there in the wreckage like a rainbow with the sun illuminating my darkest parts. How could I not like him? But liking him isn’t the issue. He can only stand in the darkness for so long before it will consume him.
Sighing deeply I force myself to move toward the break room. As much as I want to just hide away in my office, I know my team too well. It would only be a matter of time before they were knocking down the door to find out what was going on. So far only Carter has been witness to my epic fuck up and I want to keep it that way. My legs feel like lead as I step inside the room and snag a can of Red Bull from the fridge before leaning against the back wall. I had been starving when I ordered the sandwiches but now the knot in my stomach is taking up too much room for me to even consider eating.
My eyes however are still hungry for my Jellybean. I watch as he chats with the guys. On the surface all is well with him, but perhaps I have spent far too long this last week studying him because I can see the subtle dip in his smile when he thinks nobody is looking, or the way he’s picking at his food. A pain I am all too familiar with creates a crater-sized hole in my chest. I caused that, I made him sad. The guilt is eating me alive.
This whole fucking situation is exactly why I should never have let him get close to me, let alone kiss him… twice. Pete deserves so much more than a recovering alcoholic with a freight train’s worth of emotional baggage. Today was just a minor example of the pain I am capable of causing him. I’ve known for a long time that relationships and love just aren’t on the cards for me. I’m too damaged, too broken. I should never have gotten close enough to Pete to dull his shine.
Carter was right, I’m a fucking idiot.
Even if my fears for him are legitimate, the way I spoke to him, called him out at his place of work was unacceptable. Hopefully he gives me a chance to apologize, to explain that it came from a place of concern and care and not from judgment.
Now is not the time though, I won’t embarrass him again here. Thankfully my next session requires more privacy, so I wait in the back room rather than sit out in the open with the rest of the guys, where I would be distracted by Pete every few seconds. When he comes to announce my client, he doesn’t even open the door, just knocks and tells me that she’s ready for me.
I hate that he couldn’t even look at me, that he didn’t send me his usual smile. I like him smiling at me. I want him to smile at me. Damn it. When I’m finished with this client, I’ll ask him to dinner and I’ll tell him my story, I’ll beg him to hear me out if I have to. Unfortunately when I walk my client out a few hours later the space is noticeably missing something.
Pete’s already gone.
CHAPTER 9
PETE
I’m not sure how I managed to make it through the rest of the day, Gavin didn’t talk to me or even look at me. Not that I wanted him to at first, I was far too pissed but after a few hours something told me he was feeling guilty for what he said. I deserve an apology though and when it was obvious that it wasn’t going to come today, I left a few minutes early calling an Uber and letting Jordan know not to come pick me up. I was beyond exhausted. It was taking all my energy not to cry every time I passed Gavin’s room with his client and I could hear them laughing and joking like he hadn’t just reprimanded me and treated me like a delinquent child.
Arriving home I’m hit with the scent of Jordan’s cooking. Walking up to him, I slide my arms around his narrow waist and hug him tightly from behind. Sighing heavily, I search for the right words to explain the shit show of a day.
Like the best friend he is, Jordan senses my mood and spins around to take my face in his hands.
“Sunshine, what’s wrong?” Holding my gaze, he searches my eyes and likely sees the pain and embarrassment there.
“What happened?” he asks, his voice laced with concern as he studies me patiently, giving me time to find the words. I guess there really isn’t a diplomatic way to say it so I just blurt it out.
“The love of my life thinks I’m an alcoholic,” I rush out. Jordan gasps and his painted eyes grow big as saucers, making his cumbrella eyelashes conceal his eyebrows. “Yeah, apparently showing up today with a hangover made him think I drink too much. So he decided to, I don’t know, become my sponsor or something.”
“What the actual fuck.” Jordan jumps to his feet, hands planted on his hips. “Let me get my hands on him, I’m going to claw his eyes out.”
“But his eyes are so beautiful and soulful, don’t hurt them.”
He laughs at my words and moves to lean against the counter beside me.
“Fine, I’ll just aim lower. But seriously, what’s his problem?”
