“Uh, Sydney,” Satan started.
“Or do I have some kind of demon mojo that I can just make their heads explode because the only way to kill a zombie is by destroying the brain.”
“Sydney…”
“Or is this anExorcistthing because I liked the first one, but I wasn’t a fan of the other five movies. My high school wasn’t fancy and didn’t offer Latin, and I haven’t been to a single Mass in my life. I also literallyjustdealt with projectile vomiting and don’t want to get it on me this time. Unless they are actually ghouls, then someone is going to have to get me a machete.”
We were all looking at her like she was utterly insane because she was. That wasn’t howanyof this worked. What did she think was going to happen if she triedanyof that shit on the mortal realm?
This wasn’t the movies. Humans paid millions of dollars to watch movies where people did magic, but if they actually saw someone doing real magic, they wanted to kill them or study them. It was why we always had to swoop in and get the Cambion kids.
Asmodeus looked like he didn’t know what to do with her. Honestly, I didn’t, either, but for different reasons. This was a power play. He wanted to swoop in and throw her into a situation she was unqualified for because he was hoping she told him she couldn’t do it. I was sure he’d be happy to teach her and worm his way close enough to kill her.
But the little psychopath didn’t want his help. She wanted a machete. Sydney didn’t want anything to do with him.
“Sydney, you wouldn’t be chopping off heads or shooting anyone. You have to speak their true name and order them back to Hell. You have to be specific, or they’ll just jump into another corpse. I’m not even sure youcansince your angel side isn’t fully awake yet,” Satan said.
“Dude, lame. You got my hopes up about killing zombies.”
“I never saidanythingabout killing zombies or ghouls or anything that just came out of your mouth,” Asmodeus said.
“It was like wrapping a pair of socks in a big box and putting it under the Christmas tree like it was Barbie’s Dream House. I’ll bet you kick puppies.”
“He might have been missing her entire life, but sheisLucifer’s daughter. What did you think was going to happen?” Satan said.
“Kir wasnothinglike this,” Mammon hissed.
“Kir was sheltered from all the bad things in the world and it cost him his life. If Lucifer was ready to have kids again, he would have raised a daughter in his image. You aren’t going to be able to manipulate this one like you did Kir. Sydney, if you want to go fight zombies, I’d be happy to take you and show you how, but there are no shotguns or machetes involved.”
I saw the look Asmodeus cut Satan. It was pure murder. He wanted to be the one to take her to the mortal realm. Asmodeus was the worst about thinking all demons were cockroaches, but the demons he used for his purposes seemed to think he saw them differently.
He wouldn’t have invited us. He would have taken Sydney on her own and I just didn’t trust this angel. It went further than me hating the idea of a person. Asmodeus was up to something.
Everyone was looking outside of Hell for Lucifer, but what if Asmodeus had known the entire time?
What was the literal fucking point of any of that? Was it to embarrass me because I didn’t know how to wrangle these souls back? Bully for him. I didn’t get embarrassed about not knowing shit I had no way of knowing. So, I just wentallout and decided to make them uncomfortable. If one of them was trying to get me alone on the mortal realm as a date, that was still an ew for me. If it was to kill me, I wasn’t going anywhere alone with them and they didn’t know I was a black belt, anyway.
But yeah, I’d go on field trips with Satan or Abaddon because they seemed like they were in the ‘fun uncle’ camp instead of the‘incest’ camp. And I knew they wouldn’t have a problem with me bringing my new friends.
The other princes were sulking when they got the fuck out of my new mansion, but Asmodeus was seething with rage. I didn’t trust that guy. I didn’twantto read Lucifer’s private diaries, but Asmodeus was waving some red flags. Before I voiced those to Satan and Abaddon for help, I needed more information.
But for now, I was going to kill zombies. They weren’t technically George Romero zombies and I wouldn’t get a shotgun or a big knife, but still, I could check it off my bucket list.
“I don’t want to go without my new friends.”
Because seriously, they were a little crazy, but I liked them. Kujo was a nard, but he came with them.
“You don’t have to. My daughter is recovering, so she won’t be able to join, but there’s no reason they can’t. I’m going to have to do your glamour since you don’t know how and don’t have enough magic yet.”
“I want to look like Sigourney Weaver inGhostbusterswhen she goes all Zuul. That was hot”
“That’s oddly specific and not possible. You can’t steal the image of a living person. Icanmake you look like a lovely midwife who was burned for witchcraft in the Dark Ages, even though she’d never even met me.”
“Dude, that just seemsreallyunlucky.”
“Just put a glamour on her. It’s not that complicated, and she’s going to make it so,” Kujo snapped.
“Consent, numb nuts. Don’t make me dick punch you.”
