“Do you think she’s in danger from the other princes?” Celix asked.
“I’d say no, because we find hurting younglings an abomination, but Sydney isn’t a youngling, so it’s complicated. Abaddon and I have had people looking for Lucifer. We’ve been looking for forty-six years. We give off a kind of magical signature that should make him easy to find. Someone very powerful is keeping him hidden.”
“How do you know he’s still alive?” I asked.
Because seriously, they all said he wouldn’t abandon his child and he wouldn’t leave Hell. If he was enemy number one with the angels, they could have just killed him.
“It’s a fuck of a loophole and a giant fuck you from our father. All of Lucifer’s brothers who fell with him can be killed. All of our children can be murdered. Lucifer has to suffer through watching all of it becauseLucifercan’t be killed by anyone without destroying Hell. The angels know this and everyone in Hell knows this. It wouldn’t be this slow disintegration where souls are escaping. It would be an explosion that destroyed this realm and caused nuclear winter on Earth. No, someone has him.”
“So, it’s more than just me parking my butt on the throne and hoping it’s enough. We have to find Lucifer and also change this shitty hierarchy thing you’ve got going on because it’s stupid.”
“Er, yes. And you’re going to be sabotaged by the other princes because they think the longer he’s gone, the more time they have to figure out how to sever the link. But Abaddon and I aren’t complete morons. The link is our father’s punishment. The only person who can take it off is him. None of us have that power.”
Great.
We had a nice dinner and then piled into Lucifer’s living room. If I was doing this, then I needed intel. Abaddon and Satan had left. Abaddon took his bedtime seriously and Satan was having dinner with Wrathhog before she came over and interviewed me to see if she’d take the job.
I was a big girl. I didn’t need men running interference between me and some trumped-up fallen angels. Which was something I never thought I’d say in my entire life. I needed to know what I was working with. I needed strengths andweaknesses because I couldn’t go around kicking everyone here in the nuts.
“So, they all handle different sins,” Celix said. “You know Lucifer is pride and Satan is wrath. Abaddon is sloth. Beelzebub is envy and Mammon is greed. That leaves Belphegor as gluttony and Asmodeus with lust.”
“So, the seven deadly sins. What the fuck? I thought you said everyone down here were bad people. Some of those, everyone does at least once in their lives.”
“It’s more complicated than that, princess,” Kujo said. “If you’re just greedy and gluttonous with the last piece of pizza when you already had four slices, then you aren’t going to end up here, you’re just going to piss people off.”
“Are you serious right now?” Nero said. “That was five fucking months ago. It was just sitting there after two hours. If you wanted it, you should have grabbed it sooner.”
I was trying not to laugh because Kujo looked like he was pissed about that pizza. He looked like he was still angry enough about it to punch the fuck out of Nero.
“Anyway,”Celix said, “If you’re greedy and gluttonous enough to hoard anything while people go without, then you end up here.”
“Good. Those people who panic bought all the toilet paper should suffer. I broke down and bought a bidet and it changed my life, but my thighs hated me for days after putting that thing in because my ex-husband is useless.”
“That’s inconvenient, but it’s not bad enough to land someone here,” Celix said.
“Damn.”
“It’s a given that everyone is going to commit the seven deadly sins. It’s when someone is grievously hurt that you end up here. If you’re so envious of someone that you maim or kill them, you end up here. Lust is a normal emotion, and it’s notactually a sin. It’s when you act on your lust, someone isn’t returning it, and you don’t take no for an answer. Wrathhog particularly enjoys torturing rapists.”
“I haven’t met her yet and I already like her.”
“So, the princes were all randomly assigned sins. Some of it isn’t all that random. You don’t want to piss Satan off. Asmodeus is a bit of a lech. Beelzebub has always been jealous of Lucifer and Mammon is greedy. Abaddon is allergic to work. Belphegor and Lucifer are the only ones who are the exact opposite of what their sins are.”
“They aren’t really going to try to get with me, are they? Aren’t they my uncles?”
Because that was gross. No Bueno. Not going there. My vagina was closed for business.
“It’s…complicated,” Nero said.
“Uncomplicate it.”
“Well, like, they are angels. They weren’t born in the traditional sense. They don’t have a mother. They were created fully formed. They haven’t had DNA tests or anything to see if they are actually created. They tried once, but their blood made the lab explode. People died.”
“Yeah, still not going there. Tell me all about you.”
“Wait,” Nero said.
He made a beeline over to a cabinet and started pulling out bottles.
