“Anatoly?” Her voice was timid, like she was afraid of disturbing his thoughts and he instantly smiled to show her nothing was wrong.
“Da?”
She tilted her neck back and he could feel her studying his face. He wondered what was on her mind, but he didn’t dare press. She would talk to him when she was ready.
“Was I… satisfying?” Maggie finally asked, a slight frown marring her brow. “Did you enjoy feeding on me?”
Chapter Thirty
Anatoly started to smile, but stopped himself. He didn’t want her to think he was making fun of her in any way.
The truth was, he had been very satisfied. It had been a far better experience than feeding on Deacon James anyway. That was routine, expected, but Maggie was a treat, one he was already craving again. It was a sobering experience to know he needed to be careful lest he do lasting damage to her.
He simply didn’t know how to put that into words and so he leaned in and placed a firm kiss to her lips, hoping she could feel just how sincerely he’d enjoyed sharing such intimacy with her.
When he pulled his mouth away, she was breathing heavy, her eyes half-lidded in pleasure. Was he really such a good kisser that a little sugar had such a strong effect on her or was she still just weak from blood loss? He wanted to believe the former, but he convinced himself of the latter.
“Izvinite,” he muttered.
“Don’t apologize,” she whispered back to him, understanding his tone more so than the word.
Anatoly tried to swallow the lump in his throat, wanting nothing more than to confess his feelings to Maggie, but fearing the time wasn’t right. He caressed the side of her face, studying the planes and curves as if to memorize their shape. He wanted to kiss her again, to get lost in her soft moans and warm touch, but his heart remained persistent.
Before he could come to a conclusion, Maggie’s expression abruptly fell. “You’re keeping something from me again,” she whispered as though she feared breathing it into reality. Maybe she did. Maybe it was him she feared.
“Nyet,” he reassured her, rubbing her arm to soothe her further. “It is not secret, it is only difficulty finding words.”
Her eyes narrowed, their color still seeming dim as though she were still suspicious. He deserved it. He had lied to her as recently as the night before and would have continued lying had she not caught him feeding vampire style from someone.
Anatoly suddenly felt sick to his stomach and despite knowing that what he kept to himself was a good thing, the shame of his lies wracked him with guilt and he feared he had become just as monstrous as his sire. Just in a different way. He couldn’t tell Maggie now and yet not telling her was technically keeping a secret and he had promised never to do so again.
He rose slowly off the couch, putting as much distance between them as he could without leaving entirely. He wanted space to collect himself, but he needed to be in her presence while he did so.
Gremlin was dislodged as Maggie followed him. Concern was etched across her features, and she reached for his arm. “What’s wrong? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean?—”
He wanted to pull her into another embrace, to never let her go so long as she lived, but right now he was torn between needing her and wanting to do what was best for her.
“You have done nothing wrong, Maggie.” He settled for taking her hand and squeezing it. “You deserve better than me. I cannot give you proper life, proper happiness. I am monster, Maggie.”
“No, you’re not,” she insisted without even a second of hesitation. “And how dare you presume to know what I want out of life.”
Anatoly stopped short as she scolded him and rightly so. He’d been spiraling and it had nearly made him run out of here. The realization that he’d nearly run from Maggie sickened him almost as much as his vampiric nature did.
“Every relationship has its drawbacks, Anatoly,” Maggie continued in a softer tone. “Don’t pull away without talking to me about them…”
“I do not mean to pull away,” he answered truthfully. “Situation is very complicated and I want to make sure we do not rush. I fear harming you,” he confessed, reaching up to cup her cheek in his palm.
Maggie gave him a slight grin at that, though he could detect no mirth. “I’m a big girl, Anatoly. I know a relationship with you is complicated and I still want to be with you.”
She looked as though she wanted to say more, but something stopped her, and Anatoly took the opportunity to guide her back to the couch. He sat down with her again, taking both her hands in his and resting them on his lap. It gave him a few moments to think and process what she’d just said so he could better respond.
Maggie beat him to it, however.
“Let’s take it point by point, okay?” She scooted a little closer, her leg touching his now and it took Anatoly a moment to refocus on what she was saying. “You mentioned a proper family, but I’m practical enough to know that even just as a cop that’s never going to happen. So many of my co-workers come from broken homes and broken marriages. My job is a lot, and while I want someone to come home to, I recognize that doesn’t mean children. It means a partner, someone who understands what my work entails and won’t resent me for doing it…” She bit her lip. “Sorry, I’m rambling, but I really need you to understand where I’m coming from.”
It was a lot to take in, but Anatoly, once he had zeroed back in, absorbed every word. He had never considered that what he thought of as a proper family might be different to Maggie. His experience was with the church and it’s ideals, which was something he had never questioned before. They had been his ideals, too, but was that because he believed it truly or because it had become habit?
The thought made him shift uncomfortably and he squeezed Maggie’s hand to bring himself back to her and the moment.
