“Your past that I still know nothing about. Tech—” Will started, but I cut him off.
“Dimples, I’m trying to get to that, if you just let me get it out.” Will pressed his lips together and nodded. “Okay, so you know how I told you that my father was controlling and homophobic?”
“Yes.”
“What I didn’t tell you is that I grew up in a cult.”
“What?!” he shouted. His face balled up in pain immediately. He clutched his head, taking slow, short breaths.
“Will, calm down. You can't overexert yourself.”
“I didn’t mean to. You just shocked me with that confession.”
After taking a moment to calm down, he refocused his attention on me. I asked him if he was ready for me to continue, and he said yes.
“My entire childhood, I could never connect with my father's teachings. Nothing about that place felt right. I was never allowed to call my father ‘Dad’ or anything. I had to address him as Sire, like everyone else. When I was thirteen, I couldn’t shake this gut feeling I was having. So, I started hacking into Sire’s computer. Technology was forbidden on the compound. Sire was the only one with a computer and a TV in his office. Once I started my research, I learned what we really were.
“I also started looking into what it meant to like someone of the same sex. For as long as I could remember, Sire always taught us that being with the same sex was an abomination. That we would rot in hell after suffering whatever punishment he felt we deserved. I started to have feelings for my best friend, Cody. I tried fighting them off for as long as I could, but then Cody started doing things that made me think he felt the same way.”
I closed my eyes as they filled with tears. Will grabbed my hand and rubbed the back of it with his thumb. When I opened my eyes, I saw his were brimming with tears as he watched me.
I cleared my throat and took a deep breath. “One night, I decided to take Cody to this lake and tell him how I felt. Heended up telling me he felt the same way, and he didn’t want to fight it anymore. We ended up sharing our first kiss. I was so happy. It was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Cody, feeling the same way, made it much better. But my happiness was short-lived when we heard Sire’s raised voice.”
I looked away right as the tears trailed down my cheek. I wiped them away, but more soon followed. Will reached up and palmed my cheek as we silently cried together.
“What happened, Jacob?”
I shook my head and wiped my face again. “Sire ordered his disciples to attack Cody.”
Will sucked in a breath and frowned. “Disciples? What do you mean by attack Cody?”
“The disciples were a group of men who had followed Sire for a long time. They were his most trusted members in the cult, and they did whatever Sire told them without question. Cody’s father was a part of the group.”
Will covered his mouth as he wept for a boy he didn’t know. My past was fucked up. Cody didn’t deserve what happened to him, and neither did I. That night haunted me for a long time. It didn’t matter if I was asleep or awake. I would never be able to get the visuals of the last time I laid eyes on Cody.
I thumbed away Will’s tears, ignoring my own. “As they beat him, I tried getting to him. I tried so hard to...... save him.” My voice cracked. “I fought against Sire, begging and pleading for Cody’s life. That only enraged Sire. He punched me so hard I nearly blacked out. The last thing I remember before I went unconscious was hearing Sire tell the disciples to get rid of Cody.”
Will’s eyes widened. “No,” he whispered, shaking his head slightly.
“When I woke up, I was strapped to the wall in a basement I was too familiar with. Sire only brought people down there when he felt they deserved a lashing.”
“Lashing?!” Will hissed. He was still crying, but his face had morphed into an angry scowl.
“I got my first lashing at eight. After a while, I had become accustomed to them. But that night was by far the worst. Sire was relentless. I passed out twice, but he didn’t stop. If it wasn’t for the doctor telling Sire he was about to kill me, he wouldn’t have stopped. I spent two weeks in the infirmary. When I got out, Cody was nowhere to be found. The disciples were tight-lipped about Cody’s whereabouts, but I overheard a few of the women whispering that Sire had ordered them to kill Cody.
“I don’t know why Sire didn’t kill me as well. I was shunned among the cult, and I was often mistreated. I took many beatings over the years. They used me as an example for all the other children so they could see their fate if they decided to follow in my footsteps. Once I turned eighteen, I figured out how to get out of the gates and ran away.”
I sat in the bed next to Will and took him into my arms. His shoulders shook from how hard he was sobbing. He wrapped his arms around my waist, holding me just as tight as I was holding him.
Will buried his face in my throat. “I’m so sorry you went through that, Jacob.” He pulled away to look into my eyes. “Can I ask you something?”
I bobbed my head vigorously. “Anything.”
“The lashings? Is that why you don’t allow me to touch your back?”
I was stunned silent. I didn’t know he had realized that. Will was always open and honest, so I didn’t understand why he didn’t say anything if he knew. “How… How did…”
“I noticed early on. Anytime I went near your back, you would grab my hands. Not in an aggressive way, but I could tell that touching you there was some kind of trigger. I figured it had something to do with your past, but I also knew you didn’t like talking about it. I let it go until you were ready to tell me.”
