“Wait… he’s aware that you know?”
“Yeah. A few months ago, when we were out to eat, he was rambling about how we were all so lucky to have men to love us and claim us. Nobody could look him in the eyes. That’s when he figured out that we knew. He swore us to secrecy even though that wasn’t necessary.”
“Us?Are you telling me all the Ol’ Ladies know too?” The panic was settling back in.
“Will you calm your ass down? If we were going to say something, we would have done it by now.” I took a deep breath, and she continued. “Now, like I was saying. The night you triggered the cameras, I was having a girls’ night at my house.I had no idea when I pulled the cameras up that you and Will would be out there humping on each other.”
She had a naughty smile on her face. I knew I was blushing again when she roared with laughter.
“Cara, please stop,” I grumbled.
After she got herself together, she sat up straight. “Okay. Okay. I’ll chill. But seriously, why are you doing this to yourself? You love him. He loves you.”
“It's not that simple, Cara. What if the guys don’t want to have a gay man as part of their brotherhood? What if they decide to kick me out? They're the only family I have.”
“Sounds like excuses to me. If somebody can't accept me for who I am, then good riddance. I’d rather people hate me for who I am than to love me for who I’m not. You’re sitting here drinking away your misery while they live happily ever after. How the hell is that fair?”
“Cara, my own father couldn’t even accept this shit. Why would the guys?”
Cara leaned her head to the side. “So, you believe the guys are a bunch of prejudice assholes?”
“No!” I shouted hastily.
“Then what’s stopping you?!” she snapped.
“I’m scared! Okay. My past isn’t the best.” My vision blurred with tears. I stared down at my lap, trying to will them away.
Cara rolled her chair over to me until our knees touched. She lifted my head and gave me a gentle smile. “Whatever haunts you is still affecting you. Go get some counseling or something. Don’t let what happened to you be the reason you lose him forever, because then the person who hurt youwins.
“You mean like therapy?”
“Yes. I’ve taken therapy in the past, and I’m a better woman because of it.” I gave her a side-eye. Although Cara was a great person, she was batshit crazy. Cara snorted and rolled her eyes.“Believe me, Tech, there’s a side of me that none of you have seen except for Sara. When I was with the STF (Special Task Force), that kind of beast was necessary. But now I keep that part of me buried deep down. It’s so dark it would make the devil envious.”
Goosebumps pebbled over my skin. I had seen Cara snap more times than I could count. Knowing she could do worse than what she had shown lets me know therapy had worked wonders.
“Do you think it could help me?”
“Only if you’re ready to do the work. If you want Will, give him the healed version of you andearnhim.”
Cara got up without another word and left me to my thoughts. I sat there letting our talk sink in. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I knew it was time for a change.
I tookCara’s advice and went to therapy. I wouldn’t say I was completely over Sire and all the trauma, but I didn’t have nightmares anymore. I didn’t even find myself thinking about my past anymore. My therapist helped me understand a lot about myself.
For instance, she helped me see that I was projecting Sire onto my brothers because of their similar backgrounds. We often joked about not being a cult because that’s what most people thought about us.
We lived in our own community and didn’t have any outsiders around. We also had our own way of living. We made the rules and didn’t care what society thought.
Then, you add in the fact that I was alone my whole life. I had no family. And now, I’d finally found the family I wished I had my entire life.
So, naturally, anytime I wanted to tell the guys, I would assume they would react like Sire and his cult, disowning me and leaving me alone. Again.
Today, before my session ended, Dr. Lambert asked me if I was ready to finally tell the brothers, and I was. The ultimate goal was to heal from my past while being honest and open.
I hadn’t bothered Will for the past two months while I went through therapy. I didn’t deserve him. But I was going to do exactly what Cara told me to do. I was going to present him with the healed version of myself and earn him back. I just hoped I wasn’t too late.
As I pulled up to the clubhouse, it looked like all the guys were here. We had church. I decided I would tell everyone after we discussed everything else. When I walked into church, a few guys were missing. It didn’t take long before everyone was seated. I was spaced out for most of the meeting.
I couldn’t believe the moment was finally here. To be honest, I wasn’t nearly as nervous as I thought I would be. I had already made peace with the idea that if they wanted me to leave, I would. I just knew I couldn’t live like this anymore.
