“You aren’t the only person who has struggled with keeping their feelings at bay. I haven’t felt a connection like this with any woman, ever, and before I threw caution to the wind and began a true pursuit of you, I needed to know that I wouldn’t jeopardize your future in the process.” Alis remains close to me, her maintained eye contact provides the assurance I need to continue.
“I may have seemed reckless and even overstepped when I came to your apartment uninvited and when I held your hand the other night, but I’m navigating uncharted waters here. You’ve shared enough pieces of yourself with me that I know what, and who, is most important to you, and all of those things are important to me as well. I can’t regret the time you spent keeping me at arm’s length because those months provided me the time I needed to decide that I want this — us — you. And not just you, but Sunny. I want a life together. I want to support you in your dreams and do everything in my power to help you succeed. I want to learn how to be the partner you need, the man you want. I want to know Sunny and bond with her. I want to take walks together in my neighborhood. I want it to beourneighborhood.Ourhome.Ourlife.Ourfamily.Ourfuture.”
Is he insane? That’s the only logical explanation for what he just said. “You’ve known me for a little more than three months, and you’re saying you want to, what, marry me?” The incredulity in my tone cannot be missed.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying.” His gaze doesn’t waver, nor does his resolve. “I would never risk your future or your integrity for anything, Alis. I didn’t talk with Abigail about my feelings for you because I needed reassurance that this is right. I went to her because I know you, and I knew that without absolute certainty that us beingtogether is not violating any school rules or code of ethics, you would never even consider being with me.”
Tears well in my eyes, precariously close to spilling, and my lower lip quivers involuntarily. This. This is the embodiment of being truly known. Of being meticulously studied. It transcends being merely noticed, even beyond being considered; it’s being genuinely seen, authentically understood. At this moment, two revelations crystallize within me: 1) The day my sister passed marked my inaugural journey into deep, inescapable loneliness, and 2) For the first time since that heart-shattering day, the oppressive weight of loneliness gently lifts.
“First you say we should let things take their course, then you say you want to marry me.”
“Yes,” he responds, not seeing his own contradiction.
“Do you not see the juxtaposition of those two statements?”
That panty-dropping half-smile appears on his face, accompanied by a glint of humor in his eyes. Pulling me once again closer to him, Dexter buries his face into my hair and whispers, “Do not take Fitzgerald’s words out of context. You and I both know Lois said those words to herself as she penned that telegram to Howard, confirming their elopement. Letting things take their course doesn’t necessitate taking things slowly. If anything, it’s a call to relinquish control. To surrender to fate. To stop fighting against the inevitable.”
He’s right, of course. I mumble, “If cowardice is all that’s been holding me back there won’t be any more holding back.”
I can feel his smile against the side of my head. He chuckles, “Thank God.”
Pulling back once again, Dexter asks, “Any more rules?”
“I won’t sit here and pretend to know anything about being in a relationship. Nor will I sit here and attempt to make sense of the tangle of thoughts and emotions fighting for dominance inside me. I just need space to work through it all. No more rules, though.”
“Glad to hear it,” he says, lifting his arm from around me to pull his wallet from his back pocket. Dexter signals for the server, handing him cash to cover both the meal and a tip when he arrives with our bill.
“Ready to head back?” he asks, and all I can think about is how badly I need a nap after feeling so much in a short amount of time.
“Sure thing.” Sliding out of the booth, Dexter grasps my hand as we walk toward the exit and back to his Range Rover. He’s opened the passenger door and I’m about to climb in when I stop, turn to him, and gently kiss him on the lips.
“Dexter,” I say, “thank you.” He smiles sweetly down at me, pressing another kiss to my mouth. “And be patient with me. I sound like a broken record, but I truly have no idea how to navigate any of this. I’ve only ever had one true partner in my life, and she died. I don’t think I realized how deeply her passing affected my ability to connect with people because until moving here, until meeting you, everyone close to me had always been there. They knew Belle, they knew me, and they knew the depth of the bond we shared. They never pushed me to work through my grief because they were all too busy carrying their own. Not only that, but then even as time passed and life moved forward, they didn’t know Ineededpushing. Belle was always the person encouraging me to take risks and live outside the safety of my own thoughts, but she did it so subtly that I don’t think anyone truly grasped the weight of her role in my life. I’m not saying I feel incomplete without her or that I’m incapable of loving someone because I’m irreparably broken, but with you, Dexter, I’m so far outside my wheelhouse I can’t even think straight.
“You’re a chapter that began in a life that Belle will never be a part of, and while that reality terrifies me, the truth is that this isn’t the first chapter she’s missed. I just didn’t realize time continued moving forward until I made the decision to take an intentional step forward with my life. It’s easy to ignore the progression of time when you’re surrounded by the familiar.”
“You might be the most self-aware person I’ve ever known.” Did he not hear a single word I said?
“I just told you I don’t know my left from my right, and you say I’m self-aware?”
“Let’s go,” Dexter says, helping me into my seat before closing the door and walking around to his side of the vehicle.
We’re quiet during the drive back to campus. Dexter holds my hand and strokes his thumb over my knuckles. His touch quiets the chaos inside me, and the reprieve is heavenly.
He stops in front of my car and lifts my hand to his mouth, pressing a gentle kiss to my fingers.
“Awareness and understanding are two very different things, Alis. Awareness is the first step; understanding comes with time, research, and a hell of a lot of hard work.”
I let out an exasperated sigh and wave my other hand around my head, saying, “I believe understanding any of this is impossible.”
He smiles, a hint of both mischief and determination in his eyes. “Why, Alis, sometimes, I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”
Pulling my hand from his, I swat his arm and laugh. “Smart ass,” I quip.
Dexter feigns offense. “Who? Me, or Lewis Carroll?”
“Both,” I say. He concedes. “You aren’t wrong.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” I ask as I gather my purse and step out of the car.
