I tried dating in undergrad, but most of the guys I knew didn’t hold my interest. Skye introduced me to my first — and only — long-term boyfriend, Ben, our junior year. We dated for ten months and then he dumped me because I didn’t give him enough attention (see studies and goals above).
Annabelle Windsor surely gave him enough attention, though. Right after we broke up, I found out he’d been hooking up the girl for the last month or so of our relationship. I knew he definitely was not “the one” when I found myself less upset about the emotional betrayal than I was about his double dipping. Thinking about it still gives me the heeby jeebies. We always used condoms, but I still got tested after learning of his wandering dick.
Side note: Why don’t we refer to cheating as wanderlust? That seems more accurate, and makes a hell of a lot more sense than an overwhelming desire to travel.
Ben was the beginning and the end of my boyfriend roster. I went on random dates over the next few years, but only because Skye couldn’t help but try and set me up with whatever guys she met in class. None of them ever got a second date. The only reason any of them got a first date was to keep Skye off my back about my lack of romantic life. If I “gave him a chance” and went to dinner then I could go back to my books for a few months until Skye decided it was time for her to once again intervene. Wannabe cupid, that one.
After Hurricane Margaret (as I’ve dubbed the Dr. Ryan debacle) I wanted nothing to do with dating, relationships, romance — none of it. Add in my sudden and terrifying new role as guardian to a nine-month-old baby girl, mourning the loss of my sister and brother-in-law, and grieving my demolished life plan, and I was one hell of a depressing cocktail. Not even tequila could numb the pain that was my life back then.
I’ll never knowingly set myself up for that level of betrayal and pain again — which is exactly what will happen if I don’t douse all lustful thoughts of Dexter Belanger.
SEVEN
9 years ago
“I don’t knowhow to do this life without you.” My parents have already spent their time alone with Belle and left me here to say goodbye while they retrieve Sunny from my aunt and bring her to visit her mama one last time.
“You’ve always been my sunshine. My happy place. My best friend. My home.” I choke on my words, silent tears suddenly strengthening into gut wrenching sobs. My cheek rests on her bed, looking up toward her face with my hand gently stroking hers.
I know the machine is the only thing keeping Belle alive right now, that she’s not really here, but I don’t know how to accept that reality.
“You’ll be with grandma soon.” A small smile tugs at my lips, tears still pouring from my eyes. “Remember the summer we visited her and she gave us our nicknames? We were her Sunshine and Aurora Borealis. Sunny and Alis. The lights of grandma’s life. I remember listening to her talk about how much warmth you brought to everyone around you. How a hug from you was better than a mug of hot chocolate during winter. It’s like she saw into the deepest parts of us and knew us better than anyone else.
“Turns out the nicknames grandma gave us went deeper than us just providing light and beauty to her life. Sometime in high school I learned that the northern lights are actually dependent on the sun. Something about plasma shooting out from the sun, and then that stuff makes its way to earth and causes the aurora borealis.
“The northern lights don’t exist without the sun. How am I supposed to exist without you?”
I bury my head into Belle’s side and let out another strangled sob, clinging as tightly as I can to her and refusing to let go. “I — I can’t. I know I’m being selfish but I can’t lose you. You’re my leader. My strength. My better half. Don’t leave me. Please, don’t leave me!”
Sobs shake my entire body and I can’t say another word. I don’t have anything more to say that isn’t redundant. I know I should be assuring my sister that we will be okay, that Sunny will grow up in a loving home and she doesn’t have to worry. That she can let go and know we will all be alright. But I’m too selfish to say any of that.
I’ve never had to go a day without at least talking to my big sister. She’s the leader; I’m the follower. She’s the strong one; I lean on her. She’s great with people; I’d only have book characters for friends if she didn’t teach me how to be sociable. She’s charismatic and beautiful; I’m pretty but socially awkward.
God, Alis, snap out of it. This isn’t about you.
I try to take a deep breath, but it’s shaky at best. The tears are starting to slow a bit and my entire body is no longer shaking. Progress.
A soft knock comes from the door. “Alis? You ok, honey? We’ve brought Sunny.” Mom is whispering, as if speaking at a normal volume will wake someone.
I look up and into the most beautiful, smiling cherub face. Gosh, Sunny looks just like her mom. All bouncing chestnut curls and round hazel eyes. She’s got those two fingers in her mouth, as always. This girl is a mess.
“Come here, baby girl.” I reach out to my mom to pass Sunny to me. She almost falls out of mom’s arms trying to jump from one person to the other.
“Whoa now.” I chuckle. She’s now sitting on my lap, looking at my splotched face. Her fingers are still covered in slobber, and she presses her wet hand to my cheeks, trying to rub away whatever tear tracks are left. Good thing I didn’t put any makeup on my face after showering — between tears and baby slobber I’m sure my face would look more like an abstract painting if I had.
I stand, pushing the chair back and setting Sunny on my hip. “Baby girl, we need to give your mama our best hug and kiss goodbye.” I choke on the last word, hiding my face in her wild hair, and stifle a sob.
Sunny doesn’t speak yet, but her babbles include a few “ba ba” and “ma ma ma”s, so I’m going to count that as her understanding we’re with Belle right now. My sister definitely doesn’t look like herself, covered in bruises and cuts with a tube attached to her neck and a bandage wrapped around her head. Her eyes are swollen and bruised, making her face nearly unrecognizable.
I prop my butt on the side of the bed, keeping Sunny closest to Belle, and lift my sister’s hand so Sunny can touch her. “Ba ba ma ma,” Sunny babbles as she pats her mother’s hand.
“Do you want to give her a hug, baby?” I ask, pushing her curls behind her ear and kissing her on the cheek. Sunny looks at me and opens her mouth wide, leaning in to give me a ‘kiss’. “Thank you, baby. But let’s try and give your mama a kiss on her hand, yeah?”
I lift Belle’s hand a bit higher and give it a soft kiss before offering it to Sunny. “Give mama a kiss, baby.” She looks at me like I’m crazy. I kiss Belle’s hand again. “Kiss kiss for mama.”
Sunny finally leans over and gives a big open-mouthed kiss to Belle’s hand, leaving a trail of spit behind. I know my sister wouldn’t have it any other way.
“That’s it baby girl. Good job.” I try to smile but the tears are coming back. These things are relentless, I swear. “We gotta say goodbye to mama, because she’s gotta go see Grandma Gilmore in heaven, ok?” Sunny just looks at me, not understanding a word.
