Chapter Thirty-Five
Annistyn
TODAY I’M AT the ranch, having a session with Debbie.I’ve been having nightmares every single night again and it’s dragging up memories I’d buried in my mind because they were the worst ones.Overhearing conversations about me being sold, learning some of the men who bought me were predators, understanding my aunt and uncle truly never cared about me, and all of the abuse from the times my aunt had no choice but to take me to the doctor because my injuries were too severe to deal with at home by myself, and all of the lies I was forced to go along with because I was being threatened.Every single decision that was ever made for me by people who never had my best interest at heart.I relive every single thing I once forgot and it’s taking a toll on me and Kreed.He spends every single night awake with me because I’m not handling the situation as well as I could be.I feel horrible.He's hardly getting any sleep and is exhausted while at work.Things need to change and I’ll be the one to ensure it happens.
Shortly after I got to the ranch, Roger left.He greeted me and then informed me he was heading into town for some things.So, I spent a little bit of time with Ivy and Charlotte.I really miss the two of them and am happy to see the progress Ivy has made since I’ve been gone.She’s more open and talks about things she never did before.She’s shared part of her story with me and asked if I know Manic.I don’t really know him and told her that.I can see the attraction between the two of them whenever they’re together.Manic looks at her like he’s surrounded by the universe and she’s the sun that lights up the world around him.He helps her take care of Charlotte and I watch on as the baby snuggles into his chest.I’ve looked on as she rests her tiny hand over his heart more than once.Charlotte knows Manic would protect her from all the evil in the world and she trusts him even if she doesn’t realize it yet.Ivy smiles so much more when Manic is around her, too.He’s allowing her to overcome her abusive past and showing her not all men are the same.That some really will treat her like a queen and won’t ever lay a hand on her in anger.It’s exactly what she needs and deserves.
Debbie listened to me with intent as I cried, screamed and told her about the things I’m just now remembering.She writes down notes and asks me questions when I pause to gather myself.Her patience knows no bounds and I’m happy Roger hired her and she is the one helping me through each new situation.Especially when it comes to my eating disorder.She reminded me once again it’s the one thing I have complete control over and it’s what I chose to use as a weapon against myself when I feel like my world is imploding.I can see where she’s coming from and understand that’s what I’m doing.It doesn’t mean I still don’t struggle every single day and don’t always make the right decisions when it comes to eating and maintaining my diet.My go to move is to fall back on old patterns and not do what I’m supposed to be doing when it comes to food.Another part of that is the fear of eating something and it makes me sick.I hate getting sick.That’s one of the major things I have to work on and continue writing everything down in my journal so I can look back and see what patterns I need to break and how much food I’m actually eating when things in my life are hard.
We’ve talked about Kreed and how I forgave him after that one conversation.Not everyone would agree with how easily I gave in after he explained the situation.However, there are a few reasons why I did and Debbie listened to me explain them.First of all, it was a complete misunderstanding between the two of us.Yes, he should have contacted me to let me know what was going on, but I can understand the fear he was consumed by because of his mom.Second of all, we’re both new at this entire relationship thing.Kreed has dated in the past when he was younger.Neither one of us have been in a relationship like this as adults and I have a ton of issues when it comes to the opposite sex.Especially since I’ve never interacted with a guy who wasn’t using me for some reason.Or one who wasn’t beating the hell out of me.Debbie agrees with how I handled the situation and told me just to keep our lines of communication open and honest.She’d also like to have Kreed come in with me so we can talk together about anything that might be bothering us so she can see how I handle an actual conversation with him.
I’ve also been telling her about my dreams of starting a family of my own.At first I was hesitant because I didn’t want her telling me it was too soon or I was using that as some kind of way to keep Kreed with me.I don’t ever want him to feel trapped by me for any reason.Or that he has to stay out of obligation to any baby we have and me because I’m the mom.Plus, I feel as if I’ve waited for this moment my entire life and never once allowed myself to believe it would become a reality.I believed she’d tell me I was rushing into things with Kreed and that we were setting ourselves up for failure.Instead she explained that I was older than my years because of the trauma I grew up with and that if we’re both on board with the decision, then it’s ours to make and live with.That it’s important we’ve made the decision together and understand what we truly want in our relationship.Kreed has never once hidden the fact that he wants me as his woman and is waiting on my timeline for everything to happen.
Each time I leave a session with Debbie, I feel stronger and like I did when I first left the ranch again.She did ask me if I wanted to try a sleeping aid, and I refused.I really don’t like taking medicine if I don’t have to and she understands my reasons why.My uncle is an addict and I don’t ever want to be like him.The big thing I shared with Debbie is how I hit him with Kreed’s belt and felt as if I would turn into him because of my violence toward the man who was supposed to love and support me.Debbie has done her best to reassure me I won’t turn into my uncle.Yes, I used violence that day against another person, but it was from an extreme emotional response to the situation and I was lost in the words he used to bait me.To get a response from me in ways I never reacted before.He was trying to break me all over again and almost succeeded.I’m strong enough to overcome the feelings and realize I’m not him and I won’t ever become the vile monster he is.
Today I’m thinking of all of this as I leave the ranch with Viper.He’s my ride for the day because he came over for a shift.It wasn’t a full one like normal today because he has other things to do.Instead, he stayed here a few hours until one of the other guys could show up.It doesn’t bother me to stay here a little longer because I love spending time on the ranch and seeing everyone I’m close to.Not all of the individuals are still here from when I was, but I’ve slowly been building relationships with the new people who come for help in various situations.Now, we’re finally heading home and I’m ready to get there and change to comfy clothes while I take pictures and edit some I’ve previously taken.
When Viper pulls up in our driveway, I find Roger’s truck parked by the garage and Kreed’s bike is on the edge of the driveway.He never parks his bike anywhere but right in front of the garage if he’s going out again.If not, his bike is always in the garage.
“Have a good day, Annistyn,” Viper says as I get out of the SUV and turn to offer him a smile.
“You too,” I return before shutting the door and heading inside the house.
Kreed, Roger, and Cali are in the living room talking when I walk in the door.They all stop mid-conversation when I walk in after placing my keys on the hook and siding my sandals off.
“What’s going on?”I ask, looking between the three of them as Kreed stands up and walks over to me.
“Got a surprise for you today, Pixie.Cali is gonna help you get ready while I help Roger,” Kreed says before giving me a gentle kiss on the lips without deepening it.“Please don’t be mad at me.”
“That depends on what the surprise is,” I say and can’t help but smile at the man who stole my heart without even trying.
“Okay.I’ll tell you because I know it will drive you insane not to know,” Kreed begins, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck and head.“You’re always the one takin’ pictures of everyone around you.The only pictures I have are ones I’ve taken when you weren’t payin’ attention.Annistyn, I want our home filled with the memories we’ve created and captured on film.I want pictures of you and us hangin’ on the walls next to ones you’ve taken.I know when we have children, you’ll plaster every inch of the house with pictures of them.I love that it’s what you’ll do.I want them to see how we lived our lives before they joined our family and show you how strong you truly are.You’re beautiful and deserve to be in front of the lens instead of always behind it.So, Roger is gonna take pictures of us because there is a surprise I won’t spoil.”
Tears fill my eyes because he knows this is something I struggle with and is willing to help me overcome my fear and step out of my comfort zone.This man does so much for me and never asks for anything in return.He simply remains at my side and does whatever I need or want.
“Okay,” I tell him as Cali jumps off the couch and squeals in excitement before rushing over to us.
“You two go do your thing.I’m gonna take Annistyn upstairs and make her even more beautiful than she already is,” Cali orders in the way only she can with just the small hint of that ‘mom’ voice as she says.
“You sure are bossy, ‘Lil Bit,” Kreed says, using the nickname he’s had for her since they were young.No, it doesn’t make me jealous to hear him call Cali a nickname because I know how close they are and that he only sees her as a best friend and sister.
“Disappear,” she says, leading me upstairs and into the room where all of my stuff still hangs and fills the dresser.I really have to move it into the room I share with Kreed.“I’ve got a few outfit choices laid out for you.Whatever you choose first determines what pictures are taken.One of them has been picked out by Kreed but I won’t say which one.Once you’re dressed, I’ll do your hair and make-up.”
