Chapter Fifteen
Annistyn
WAKING UP NEXT to Kreedis something I don’t take for granted.Usually he’s holding me from behind with his arms wrapped around me tightly.Tonight, that’s not what happened.For the first time since I started laying next to him, I took the initiative to lay on his chest with my arm over his stomach and one of my legs entwined with his.All of his hard angles pressed against my body and I was surrounded by his strength and body heat.It’s all I needed to be lulled into a light sleep because I can’t remember the last time I was able to fall asleep deeply and remain that way through an entire night.For several minutes, I look at Kreed and memorize every single detail about him.The way his hair brushes against his forehead because he’s done nothing to it after getting out of the shower.I take in every indent of his chest and stomach and the muscles in his arms.This is one of the few times Kreed is completely relaxed and not carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.He worries about everyone in his life and never gives himself time or the room to breathe without being consumed by worry.Lastly, I breathe in the scent of him.It’s something that reminds me of the outdoors right before a storm with hints of oil and leather underneath it.
Everything in me is telling me to stay where I am and not leave the safety I’ve found in the Feral Dragons clubhouse.However, if I stay here and don’t go to the ranch where I need to be, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.I won’t ever get better and become who I’m meant to be.I will end up in the one place I don’t want to ever again—the hospital.I’m doing this for me.For Kreed.And for everyone who chose to beat me down instead of building me up in my life.To prove to myself and them I’m not the waste of space they always said I was and that I can become a productive member of society who has a job and isn’t afraid of my own shadow.I refuse to let anyone else take anything from me and not defend myself when someone feels as if I’m not good enough.
With one last look at Kreed, I finally climb out of his bed and the safety of his arms.It takes longer than anticipated because we’re so intertwined with one another.I manage to get free from his embrace without waking him up as he rolls over and nestles deeper in the bed.Moving slowly and quietly around the room, I grab the duffle bag I placed in the closet earlier before walking over to Kreed’s desk where I find a small piece of paper and pen.There is so much I want to say to Kreed before leaving him while he sleeps.A million thoughts run through my mind as I try to figure out what to say and how much I should tell him.In the end, I write two words on the paper before placing it on the stand by his bed directly over his phone.This way I know he’ll get it as soon as he wakes up.
Picking up the duffle bag, I head for the door and it takes every ounce of strength I possess not to look back at the man who has come to mean the world to me in such a short period of time.The tears start the second I step through the door and into the hallway.Pulling the door closed behind me, I hold my breath and pray I don’t wake anyone else up as I begin to walk away from Kreed’s room and down the hall to the steps.By the time I get to the bottom, my vision is blurred from the tears and I’m a shaking mess.Nervous energy fills me with the thought of not having my safety net and support system at my side.Of not seeing the kids, Cali, Reckless, and Luca while I’m gone.While I’ll miss them all terribly, the person I’ll miss the most is Kreed.Knowing I’m hurting him by leaving this way hurts me deep in my soul and I know I’ll miss him every single day I’m gone and not with him.
By the time I cross the common room where there are more than a few people passed out around the room, I’m a mess.Still, I keep putting one foot in front of the other because this is what I have to do.This isn’t an option any longer.If I don’t take this time and put myself first, I’ll never truly heal and learn who I am as an individual.I’ll fall back into old habits and routines and will end up doing more damage to myself in the long run.I’m done letting fear of the unknown consume me because it’s the safer option.That’s how I’ve lived my life so far and it’s only gotten me beat down to absolutely nothing.I’m not even a shell of my former self at this point.The version of me walking out of the clubhouse right now is filled with nothing but trauma, fear, and damage.When I walk back in, I’ll be a better person.If I walk back in this clubhouse that is.With how I’m leaving, I’m not sure if I’ll be accepted back here once I’m done with treatment.
The air outside at this time of night is crisp and seems to penetrate the hoodie and leggings I’m wearing.Goosebumps break out along my skin and I can’t stop the shiver racing down my spine.The only light I have to guide me is the moon shining high above me as I continue moving toward the gate.Once I reach it, I pause and take one last look at the clubhouse.To anyone else it’s nothing more than a large building bikers moved into.They don’t get to see the brotherhood, the family, or how much love everyone has for one another inside the walls that keep them protected from outsiders.I’ve been lucky enough to be able to get a glimpse of the men and women inside and how they choose to live free each day they’re lucky enough to wake up.Most of all, I let the memories of Kreed being there for me every single day filter through my mind.I see him smiling and filled with pride when he witnesses me take a step in the right direction and offer me complete comfort when I’m at my most vulnerable.There’s no judgement inside those walls and I have found people I would consider my family and friends.
Forcing myself to look forward once again, I slowly take another step toward the rest of my life.To a new beginning where I make the biggest comeback.Regardless of what happens once I’m done with my treatment, I’m moving forward and taking charge of my destiny.Even though I’m doing the right thing, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done so far.Taking a beating and holding in screams is nothing compared to walking away from everything behind me.
As I walk down the long driveway, a truck pulls up and I know it’s my ride.Roger is here for me just as he promised.He’s the only other person in my life after being removed from the auction who hasn’t let me down.My cousin has been there every day he’s able to get away from the ranch and helped me in so many ways.Especially when it comes to eating.He never lets me push my plate away without taking a few more bites.Of proving to myself that I can eat more than I thought I could.Now, he’s taking me where I need to be and won’t judge me for how long it takes me to complete each step of my treatment.He’ll be a silent support and won’t let me fail on the days it feels as if I’m fighting an uphill battle.
“It’s okay, Annistyn,” he says, getting out of his truck and walking around to me.“This is the right move.Did you let Kreed know where you were gonna be?”
“No.I couldn’t bring myself to tell him anything before I left.The only thing I wrote to him was ‘I’m sorry’.I have so many things I want to say to him, but I don’t know how to get it all out in a way that makes sense.I failed Kreed,” I say as the tears continue to fall and coat my hands after Roger takes the bag I’m borrowing and places it in the truck.
“He’ll understand, Annistyn.Kreed knows this is something you have to do and he’ll get why you left the way you did.You’re so damn strong, Cousin.I’ll make sure he knows I have you with me and you’ll be back when you’re ready.Anything you want me to tell him, I’ll make sure he knows.For now, try to relax and not think about everything.We have a little bit of a ride ahead of us and you still need to rest as much as possible,” he says while helping me inside the front seat before closing the door behind me.
I lean my head against the headrest and close my eyes.If I look at the compound again while we’re still here, I’ll jump out of Roger’s truck and race back to Kreed’s side.I listen as Roger gets back in the driver’s seat and doesn’t say a word as he pulls away.I take a deep breath and hold it in for a second before slowly releasing it.It does nothing to stop the tears as I start crying harder now that this isn’t just something I’m thinking about doing but a reality.
Roger puts on music so low I can hardly hear it through the speakers.He doesn’t say a word to me as he drives and I finally open my eyes to watch the scenery around us.I can’t really see much that isn’t illuminated by the headlight and moon, but it’s enough for now.Roger drums his fingers on the steering wheel to the beat of the song playing and I simply focus on taking one breath after another while avoiding sinking into my mind.
I get lost in thought as we make our way to the ranch and don’t remember most of the ride here.Sitting up straighter when Roger tells me where here, I take a look around as we pull down another long driveway.There’s a fence on both sides of us and I can see the house up in front of us.
“I’ll give you the grand tour once the sun comes up.For now, let’s focus on getting you settled in your room.I know you have a hard time sleeping so I’ll put you in the bedroom next to mine so I can hear you if you need me through the night.First thing in the morning we’ll complete your intake paperwork and you’ll meet the team I’ve put together for you.I also want the medical staff here to check you out because it’s been a few days since Doc took a look at you.After that, you’ll be able to explore a little on your own or just stay in your room.We don’t really ask too much of anyone their first day here.It’s all a huge change and we understand that,” Roger informs me as he pulls in next to the house and turns the engine off.
I wait in the truck as he walks around to help me get out and lead me inside after grabbing my bag from the back seat.Together we walk up the steps of a large porch with rocking chairs and small tables along the length of the house.There’s colorful flowers along the railing I want to smell and take pictures of.Roger walks to the door and leads me inside while turning on the lights so we can see where we’re going.He points out a few things before leading me upstairs to the end of the hall.The room he walks in is large and airy.There’s a light blue paint on the walls and sheer curtains over the windows beneath dark gray curtains so I won’t be woken up each morning the second the sun starts to shine in.The bed is in the middle of the room and takes up most of the space.It looks really comfortable but I think I’ve gotten used to falling asleep with Kreed and I don’t know how I’ll sleep alone now.
“I’m gonna leave you to it.The remote for the TV is on the stand by the bed and the bathroom is right through that door there,” Roger says pointing to a door on the other side of the bed.“Feel free to unpack tonight so you don’t have to worry about it when you wake up.There are streaming channels already loaded on the TV for you to choose from.If you need something from the kitchen tonight, it’s directly in the back of the house.You can’t miss it once you get to the bottom of the stairs and turn left.Feel free to help yourself to anything in there.The refrigerator is fully stocked along with the pantry and cupboards.”
“Thank you, Roger.You’ve done way more than you’ve had to since meeting me and I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you,” I tell him as he pulls me into a hug.
“You don’t have to thank me, Annistyn.Not only are you family, but this is what I love to do.I will enjoy each day I get to witness you find your inner strength and grow into the woman you’ve always been meant to be.Your parents would be so proud of you, Annistyn and don’t ever forget it,” he responds before leaving me alone in the bedroom.
With nothing else to do, I unpack my bag.It doesn’t take long because I have almost nothing with me.Once I’m done, I take a long bath where I can cry without keeping Roger awake.When the water turns cold, I finally get out and make my way back into my room to change and climb in bed.Grabbing the remote I find a movie to watch and sink back into the most comfortable mattress in the world.Kreed needs to get one of these for his room.Still, I don’t stop crying or fall asleep.I simply lay in bed and let the tears fall because this is the last time I’ll cry when I’m not sharing my past.Everyone has gotten more than enough of my tears over the years and I refuse to give them anymore after tonight.
