I pack a bag with clothes for myself and Annistyn along with her toiletries so she can take a shower.I’m not sure if she’ll be allowed to take one, but I want her to have everything she’ll need if she can.After checking to make sure I didn’t forget anything, I race out to my bike and strap the bag down before climbing on and starting the engine.Without a word to anyone else outside as they head for work, I leave the compound behind and rush to the hospital to be with my Pixie.
Walking into the hospital room with Doc, I get my first glimpse of Annistyn.Every damn day she looks small as hell.Right now, she looks smaller than I’ve ever seen her since that fateful day in the warehouse.The hospital bed appears to swallow her whole.I can hardly see her small body under the blankets covering her.For the first time since seeing Annistyn, I realize how truly dire the situation is.She’s trembling under the blankets and I know instinctually it’s because she’s freezing.Annistyn is always cold and typically wears long sleeves and pants.I don’t know that I’ve ever seen her in tee-shirts or tank tops no matter how warm it is in the clubhouse.
Doc informs her that not only will she be admitted to the hospital but also that she needs a blood transfusion.Annistyn’s face completely transforms with this information and her small body starts shaking almost violently in the bed.Tears fill her eyes and it’s the first time I’ve seen her cry when she’s awake and alert.The only time I’ve ever witnessed her tears is when she’s asleep and can’t control her emotions and hold the tears back.My heart shatters for her because she’s truly terrified of being in the hospital and the blood transfusion.I want to take the pain away from her and make sure she never feels an ounce of fear again.Unfortunately, that’s not something I can do in this situation.The only thing I can do is be there for her and ensure she knows I’m not going anywhere but wherever she gets moved to.
By the time Doc leaves and I can move to Annistyn’s side, I’m more than ready to take care of her.Cali is outside the room giving Caleb an update and I know he’s letting her know Viper will be here to stand guard.A nurse comes in the room and starts getting everything set up for the blood transfusion.I don’t take my eyes off the older woman as she moves around the room and prepares everything.She’s working hard to reassure Annistyn everything will be okay, but my girl isn’t buying that shit.The fear only intensifies in her body as the realization that this is happening fully registers in her mind.
“Can we get one of those warmed blankets?”I ask the nurse before she leaves the room again.
“Of course you can.I can see how badly she’s shaking.I’ll be right back,” the nurse informs us before disappearing into the hallway.
Once the nurse is back, I pull all the blankets from Annistyn’s body and she doesn’t fight me at all.I don’t honestly know that she understands what I’m doing.When I peel back the blankets, I take in her body covered in one of those hospital gowns but I can see traces of blood on her neck and the edge of her jawline.A red haze fills my vision because she got hurt to the point she still has blood on her pale skin.Cali sees what I’m looking at and she shakes her head just enough for me to see it happening.
I cover Annistyn back up with the warmest blanket directly on her body.She seems to sink into the warmth as I layer the rest of the blankets back on her.Still, it doesn’t take away the shivering from her being cold as I turn my attention to the nurse once again.When she walks in the room this time, I take in the bags of blood in her hands as she scans Annistyn’s bracelet and then proceeds to prepare everything.
“Are you ready, Sweetheart?”she questions Annistyn as my girl looks at the machine like it’s about to viciously attack her.
“N-N-No,” Annistyn finally stammers as I sit down and take her hand in mine, bringing her attention to me.
“Pixie, I can’t lose you.This blood transfusion is gonna do nothin’ but help you feel better.Doc wouldn’t make you do anythin’ you don’t want to.This is a necessity at this point.Can you let the nurse start it?Please?”I beg her, not caring that my voice is breaking and I can hear Cali crying at the end of the bed as we both pay attention to Annistyn and how terrified she is in this moment.
“I wanna go home,” Annistyn whispers as she looks up at me and the tears continue rolling down her face and her eyes are already starting to swell from how hard she’s crying right now.
“I know you do, Pixie.I promise as soon as you’re able to leave here, I’ll take you home.We’ll go to my house on the compound and get you out of the clubhouse if that’s what you want.In order to do that, you have to get better though.Don’t let those stupid fucks take anythin’ else from you.You can overcome this and be the best version of yourself despite all the shit they put you through.Please, Annistyn, can you do this for me?”I question her as she squeezes my hand a little bit harder and cries more tears that soak her pillow and the top of the hospital gown.
Annistyn doesn’t say or do anything for several minutes.She simply lays in that bed and watches me with wide, trusting eyes that are still filled with fear.Each breath she takes is nothing more than a shudder from how hard she’s crying now.Tears are soaking the pillow on each side of her face along with the top of the hospital gown and blankets covering her body.Her eyes are already starting to swell from how long and hard she’s been crying and her pale skin has red streaks from the tears covering her cheeks.And in this moment, I’ve never seen her look more vulnerable.Annistyn is putting her complete trust in me that nothing will happen to her as she finally gives the smallest nod of her head.
The nurse sticks another needle in her opposite arm and finishes doing what she has to in order to start the blood transfusion.Each time Annistyn tries to turn her head to see what’s going on, I don’t allow her to.I’ve already witnessed her have more than a handful of panic attacks and I’m not about to see it again in the hospital.Cali steps out of the room to meet Luca and bring him to the room we’re in with the food he brought from the diner.The nurse doesn’t say anything to us as I know the conversation I’ve been putting off needs to happen now.And Roger needs to be here with us.Pulling out my phone, I send him a message to let him know what’s going on.
***
Roger is now at thehospital with us and Cali has gone home to take care of the kids and get dinner ready for Caleb.She promised Annistyn she’d return in the morning with food and anything else we might need.We did manage to get her to eat a little of the food Luca delivered to us.She had part of a cheeseburger and some fries with gravy.He brought a chocolate shake and she took a few sips of that as well.It wasn’t enough, but it was more than what I’ve been seeing her eat at the clubhouse.Roger was honestly able to coax her into eating a few more bites each time she set the food down and looked as if she were going to push the container away.I’m not sure how he did it, but it worked.
They moved us up to the room Annistyn will be staying in while here.It’s a private room and I know we have Doc to thank for that.He has come in and talked to her before each new thing happens.Including putting a heart monitor on her.Annistyn once again started crying when the leads were attached to her chest, but allowed it to happen.Thankfully it was the same older nurse who has been so kind to my girl.Doc saw her flinch every time the alarms started going off because her heart rate went too high or low.Anxiety filled her and it only made the situation worse until I could get her calmed down enough to slow her heart once again.
She ended up having four bags of blood given to her.Two in the emergency department and the other two once we were transferred to her new room.The second nurse quickly understood the situation and did her job efficiently and with as little fanfare as possible.She explained everything she was doing and then sat down near Annistyn once the transfusion was started.When the time was up and it didn’t appear as if there was going to be any kind of reaction, she quietly left without a word.This time, Annistyn didn’t cry like before and she kept her attention on anything other than what was going on at that side of her body.
“Pixie, can I ask you a question you’re probably not gonna wanna answer?”I ask her as Roger sits across from me.
“Okay,” she whispers, her voice a broken mess from all the crying today as she turns her attention to me completely.
“Can you tell me how this eatin’ disorder started?Why you don’t eat more than a few bites and then you’re done?The kids all eat way more than you do and it scares me to think that you’re starvin’ yourself the way you have been,” I ask her, trying to understand what caused this part of her trauma as Roger sits up straighter while we wait for her to answer the question.
For several long minutes, Annistyn doesn’t say anything.I almost believe she won’t answer me when she finally turns her head so she’s not looking at Roger or me but at the wall directly at the end of the bed she’s been transferred to.
“Not long after being sent to my aunt and uncle’s house, they started using food as a form of punishment.Every single time I did something they didn’t approve of, they wouldn’t let me eat or have anything to drink.The first time it happened, they withheld food for three days.I was four years old.Each time after that, the time got longer and longer.Until I spent more days not eating than I did getting at least one meal a day.Even then it was scraps and hardly enough to keep a bird alive.It was a bite of this and a bite of that.Eventually I simply stopped asking for food and ignored the gnawing ache in my stomach.
“There was a faucet outside by the barn they must have forgotten about.I would fill an old water bottle from that and it would be all I had to drink for an entire day.I didn’t dare fill it more than once so I wouldn’t get in trouble and risk losing the one meal I was able to have.Though, all I really had to do was breathe too close to them and I’d be punished.After a while, I simply stopped asking if I could have something to eat and my body got used to not having anything to fill my stomach.I would sip the water throughout the day once I wasn’t in their house and that was all I had.Now, every time I sit at the table with you guys, I can’t stop the fear from filling me that I’m doing something wrong by eating.It’s why I never take a bite before everyone else at the table,” she answers, her voice even quieter than normal as she tells us about her aunt and uncle starving her for so long she no longer views eating as something necessary.
“Pixie, you willneverbe punished for eatin’ anythin’ in the clubhouse or our home.You can eat any damn time you want and as much as you want.I did talk to Doc and he told me you’ll have to start small and figure out how much food actually fills your stomach.So, we’ll start with that.I’ll get anythin’ you want to eat, try to eat, or have on hand in case you want somethin’ to snack on.It doesn’t matter how much money it costs, I will do whatever is necessary for you to start eatin’ on a regular basis.I’m talkin’ several small meals a day,” I promise her as she finally looks at me again with tear-filled eyes.
“You don’t have to do that,” she whispers, tears once again spilling over her lashes.
“Yeah, I do.You’re gonna have anythin’ you want available at all times, Pixie.That’s a promise,” I vow as Roger leans closer to her and drawing her attention away from me.
“He’s right, Annistyn.You need to start out really small and figure out what you like and don’t like.What your stomach can handle right now and what you need to wait to enjoy once things have healed completely.For now, why don’t you try to get some sleep.Kreed and I have a few things we need to talk about,” Roger says, smiling at my girl as I look at the paper sitting on the stand next to me.
Annistyn nods her head and I watch as her eyes slide closed.It doesn’t take long at all before her breathing evens out and I know she’s asleep.She’s been awake for over twenty-four hours and her body can’t take anymore.
