Fuck, I still can’t believe that Pippa’s gone.
Eddie told me about Amber too.
Everything’s just so fucked up, and I’m stuck in here, unable to be there for you.
I don’t even think you realize how much this fucking kills me. All I’ve ever wanted to do was be there for you. Be that rock you need when you feel like you’re stuck in a tornado, tethering you to the earth and holding onto you with all my might.
It’s been a long time since I cried, but when Eddie told me about Pippa, the tears appeared. Not because of Pippa being gone, but because I knew how much it would change you.
I really hope this doesn’t lead to a spiral.
Just the thought of you seeking out something you can’t come back from, has me wishing for a different life. One that isn’t seen behind the bars of a prison cell.
Fuck, Poppy, I just wish I could hold you right now. Anchor you. Give you the support I know your parents won’t fucking give you.
You’re probably asking yourself why? Why would someone like me care so much? After everything that’s happened between us, all the horrible insults and constant badgering. I should hate you and just give up the chase.
But I can’t.
I can’t because I love you, Poppy.
I’ve never really said that out loud before, but there it is. Scrawled on a page, my heart bleeding through ink.
I fucking love you, woman.
But how? How can I love someone who has only ever showed me hate and disdain? We’ve never been together… we’ve only ever shared one soul crushing kiss, and yet, it’s you that I picture when I go to sleep at night. Standing at the altar. Barefoot and pregnant in my kitchen. Even covered in wrinkles when we’re old and gray, holding my hand as we sit on our front porch watching the Nevada sun fade into the desert hills and mountains. It sounds so crazy when you put it into words, but from the second I saw you, I just knew you were my person.
The one I would do anything for.
The one that would be my downfall, eventually.
There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do if you asked me to. I’d tear down all of Reno if it meant keeping you safe. Just knowing you’re out there somewhere going through this alone has me wanting to escape and break free from this prison, just to stop you from harming yourself.
I saw the emptiness in your eyes the last time we spoke face to face, and it’s haunted me ever since. Now everything’s worse, and I have no way to stop the madness before it starts.
That fucking guts me.
It tears me up harder than any punch they land on me in here. And I’ve gotten a few punches. It’s not easy, even at medium security, the people behind these walls are harder than I’ve ever been. Murderers, rapists, people who don’t give a fuck and would kill me without question. It’s fucking scary.
But you know what gets me through it?
Thinking about you.
That’s what gets me through my days.
Please don’t let this break you, Poppy. Go to Stanford. Make something of yourself. Find a way to break through this without turning into something hollow.
I know you can do it, I just wish I was there to support you.
Anyway, they’re calling me for chow, so I better go.
I can’t decide if I’ll send this letter or not.
I know you need it.
But I don’t know if you’ll accept it.
Just know that there’s someone always here for you. I may be on the other end of the state, stuck in a dungeon, but my heart only bleeds for you.
