“No.”
“Yes.”
“Why should I?”
“Because if you don’t, I’m going to call the IRS and suggest they audit you.”
His eyes widened. “You wouldn’t!”
“Oh, but I would. I’m Little Miss Petty, remember? The pettiest person you’ve ever met.”
“How about I sign over the title, but you come back home?”
Was he seriously trying to bargain with me? When he had absolutely nothing that I wanted other than a single piece of paper? A piece of paper that showed hesymbolicallyowned something that was truly mine in every meaningful sense of the word.
I took my phone out of my pocket.
“What are you doing?”
“Calling the IRS.”
“Fine, fine! I’ll do it.”
I put my phone away and held the pen out to him. He put the title on the coffee table and added his name in both print and cursive. I’d researched everything that would be necessary for the transfer, and I could handle the rest.
“Thank you. I would say it’s been a pleasure doing business with you, but my nana hates it when I lie. Goodbye, Ken. As a good friend likes to say, may you have the life you deserve.”
My prize in hand, I had almost escaped when he stepped between me and the door. “Stella, please come home. I’m a mess without you.”
His anguished tone made me stop.
Nope. Not going back.
“Quite literally a mess,” I said as I gestured to the house around him.
“No, you were right about how I can’t make myself any younger by dating younger women.”
I said nothing. Hearing a “you were right” should’ve felt better than it did. Maybe it only counted if it came from someone you loved or, at the very least, respected.
“If we got back together, I could make all your money problems go away.”
Earlier I might’ve been tempted by that possibility for at least a second, but I’d worked hard at legal work, PI work, and acts of pettiness. Thanks to the money earned there as well as Havisham’s loan, I no longer needed his help. No, I wanted to get out of this sad house and away from this sad man as quickly as possible. I practically sang, “No thank you.”
Each time I tried to get past him, he blocked my exit.
“Er, thank you for helping me with the paperwork upstairs,” he said sheepishly. I willed myself not to smile and thus betray exactly how unhelpful I’d been. “Do you think you could help me with the dishes?”
“Absolutely not. Put on your big boy pants and make it happen.”
“I don’t know how!”
“YouTube is a wondrous place. I bet you can find all the answers there.”
He stubbornly stood in front of the door. I could’ve gone out the back door, but I didn’t want to wade through the grass he also hadn’t cut. Besides, it was the principle of the thing.
“It’s been real. It’s not been fun. Time for you to move, or I’ll do another leg sweep on you.” Bold words I wasn’t entirely sure I could back up, but hopefully the threat would do the trick.
Finally, he stepped aside, muttering something about how unreasonable I was being.
