It hadn’t been that long since she’d finally been about to stop. Her voice echoed faintly in the quiet house, thin and tired. Even the walls knew she was barely holding herself together.
She’d waited, hoping Connor would come back. But he hadn’t.
Of course he hadn’t.
It had been stupid of her to think he might. Hope could be a terrible thing sometimes. It would wrap its warm arms around her heart… right before squeezing until it cracked.
Argh! Drama queen much?
Today was no different than any other day. Connor hadn’t been a part of her life yesterday. Now she knew he wouldn’t be a part of her tomorrows, either. That was all there was to it.
Yeah, she could try to spin it to herself however she wanted, but the realization sat heavy in her chest. It was like a stone she’d tried to swallow. Now it was stuck there, making it impossible to breathe.
She picked up the empty toy bucket and started gathering things. This was good. Productive. Busy. She just needed to stay busy. Being busy meant she didn’t have to think.
How had she let her house… well, technically Winnie’s house… get so out of hand? She’d never been accused of being a neat freak, but at least she hadn’t had dirty dishes stacked shoulder-high in the sink as well as scattered all over the house.
She swore the baby paraphernalia multiplied every night while she slept. Three babies came with lots of stuff. Stuff like baby socks edged in lace, rattles, bottles, burp cloths… all evidence of the three greatest blessings in her life… and the chaos that came with them.
Holy chocolate coffee cakes! It was Saturday. Weekends were supposed to be for fun.
She wanted to take the girls to the park and find a Christmas tree now that she had her car back. And presents. Her children’s lives were going to be so much different, so much better, than hers had been. They would have laughter and safety. And unconditional love that didn’t come with rules or punishments.
They were going to know they were loved and wanted. And they were going to have tons of gifts at Christmas and on their birthdays. And Easter baskets and Halloween costumes with lots of candy.
So far, all she’d managed was paper snowflakes she’d cut out herself and taped to the windows. So what if they were crooked little snowflakes that fluttered whenever the heater kicked on? It turned out notebook paper made fantastic snowflakes if you were stubborn enough.
A tug on the leg of her pants had her looking down. Sophie, doing her best to pull herself to stand by clinging to the leg of Bliss’s pajamas, knelt at her feet. Sadie sat to her left and babbled beautiful baby talk, her chin shiny with drool from teething. She glanced over at Nori to make sure she was stillasleep on her blanket and became mesmerized by the way her lips suckled in her sleep.
What had she ever done to deserve three such treasures? Three miracles… entrusted to her.
Frustrated and tired, Sophie plopped down on her bottom and began to cry. “Don’t cry, sweet baby. You’ll get it.” Lifting Sophie to sit on her hip, Bliss showered her with kisses and raspberries. “Who’s Mommy’s big girl?” Sophie squealed at the attention, her tiny fists clutching Bliss’s shirt like she never planned to let go.
Sadie had opinions already and rightfully claimed the title, though Sophie was catching up fast. Bliss sat down and let Sophie hold her fingers to practice standing. As soon as she did, Sadie crawled the distance from the end of the sofa to join her sister, pulling up on Bliss’s arm on unsteady feet. Two determined little faces stared up at her like conquering warriors.
“I can’t believe you’re almost walking. You are both such big girls! You have to stop. It’s too fast!” Bliss mentally added child-safety latches for the cabinets to her list of things to buy on Monday, along with some kind of baby gate to go around the Christmas tree she was going to get soon. Calculating everything she needed to buy for the girls, she grimaced.
It looked like another two weeks of instant ramen noodles for her. But as long as her girls were clothed and fed, she’d be fine. “We may have to wait on the tree until the next paycheck, my darlings. Safety always comes first.” Her stomach rolled faintly at the thought of another stretch of noodles, but the twins’ giggles made it worth it.
And just like that, visions of Connor filled her head. Storming up to her car, all angry and concerned… muscles rippling as he changed her tire. The tender way he’d held her in his lap when she’d almost fainted.
She could feel his strong hands all over again as she leaned against his warm chest, and that voice that could rumble all the way through her bones.
It would have been nice if he’d stayed last night, but he was a busy guy. But she was busy, too. She wouldn’t allow herself another second of dreaming about what life would have been like with Connor as her Daddy. Because that road only led to heartbreak.
And by this point, she was going to owe a month’s rent to her swear jar. It was like his name popped into her head and out of her mouth every other second. But it was a hard habit to break because her life would have been so perfect.
She shut her thoughts down, and after checking on Nori once more, she focused on getting the twins ready for their naps. A small snack, two sippy cups, two changed diapers, one mini-meltdown, and two lullabies later, the twins were fast asleep.
Bliss closed the door to the bedroom they all shared just in time to hear Nori waking from her nap. Bliss picked her younger daughter up and rocked her back and forth, showering her with kisses and whispers of love.
Then it was another round of changing, feeding, loving, and rocking Nori. Her sweet girl’s little fingers curled into Bliss’s hair like she knew exactly where she belonged.
Nori gurgled in contentment through it all, watching the world through her golden eyes. Guilt stabbed Bliss right in the heart. She’d have to be father and mother to her girls.
She wouldn’t be the first woman to do it, and if those others could, so could she. Connor didn’t want children. She’d known that. But keeping Nori a secret hadn’t been right.
She’d known that, too, so she tried to make it right. So, yay… mission accomplished. Now he knew. He just didn’t care. His cutting words echoed in her mind like broken glass.
