I pull back into traffic and drive home.
I drop my gear bag by the door and don't unpack it. I shower and then stand in the kitchen and look at the contents of my refrigerator for a long time without taking anything out.
My phone buzzes on the counter.
Theo:Afternoon skate at two. Be sharp.
I type back:Yeah.
Theo:You went past her building.
I stare at that for a moment.
He couldn't have seen me. He was in his own car. Unless he took the same route, which means he was doing the same thing I was doing, which means neither of us is going to acknowledge that directly because acknowledging it directly would require saying something true out loud.
I type,Get some sleep.
I put the phone face down and make coffee. I drink it standing at the window, looking out at the gray Seattle morning, and think about what Theo said in that Denver locker room.
One word stands out.
Together.
One word, quietly delivered, no ceremony around it. After weeks of distance and divided loyalty, and me navigating the space between what I was supposed to be doing and what I was actually doing, one word and something that had been pulled taut for too long just released.
I know what together costs Theo. I know what it costs him to need anything from another person. That word in that locker room was the closest he would ever come to saying, "I can't do this without you," and we both understood that without either of us saying it.
Cody is awake.
Fuck.
Full recovery, Coach said. Like that was good news. Like the room was supposed to cheer and I was supposed to cheer with it, and I did — I made the right sounds, I wore the right expression — because that's what I do. I perform what the moment requires and file the truth somewhere quieter.
The truth is that Cody waking up changes everything.
Not just for Theo. For everyone. Especially for Adela. For Nessa.
I think about the way she looked when she sent me home. When she told me,I don't want to do this with you anymore.
She meant that.
I know she meant it.
And I know she meant something else underneath it too — not that she doesn't want me, but that she can't afford to wantanything right now when everything is already so complicated and so dangerous and so far outside what she signed up for when she transferred to this campus for a boy who was already something she didn't know yet.
I finish my coffee.
I set the mug in the sink.
My phone buzzes again.
I expect Theo.
It's not Theo.
Unknown number.
Interesting. I never get unknown numbers. The phone is good at detecting spam now, but this isn’t that.
