My hesitancy and fear only allowed a brief and subtle nod. Mum kept her promise, watching me from the door. I walked past the pool and turned to meet her gaze. The smile reached her tearful eyes. I turned to her again when I passed the gardens full of bright flowers and when I reached the rocky shore. Then, I sat on a boulder and watched the Mediterranean Sea for hours. The ocean waves carried my mind out of this world. With the wind, I kept coming in and out. It was like getting lost in a dream then waking only to fall back asleep. I could smell the salt in the air. The wind ruffled my hair, playing with me, as if it had missed me. The sun warmed my skin like never before. The way the water moved about fifteen meters below me was hypnotizing.The sound of birds calling each other, then plunging into the water, fishing. It was the most beautiful day of my life yet. I tried to take it all in, how sharp and rough the rocks were below me, how the birds glided for hours and how the sun shone across the planet, east to west. I watched the high tide come in again and then the day gave into night. The pitch-black sky was magical with the tiny stars twinkling in between a few wispy clouds. When shooting stars fired across the sky, I wished with all my soul that somehow, I would one day escape this horrible house and give Mum a better life. I wished to love and be loved without any doubts for the rest of my life.
Not only did I hear the guards’ boots walking on the thick grass behind me, I felt their presence closing in on me. “Hey!” They wrenched me by the shoulder, and when I didn’t turn to leave right away, they impatiently yanked me. I fell on the grass, then walked toward the house. Mum was waiting for me at the door, the very same spot where I’d left her. I ran to her and hugged her. “Thank you, Mommy. Thank you so much.” I kept repeating.
She kissed my face in several spots and giggled. “You taste of salt. Come, you must be starving. Now you can tell me all about it over dinner.”
Days before the spring season ended, he finally allowed Mum outside with me. We sat on the same spot, holding hands. “It’s beautiful,ain' it?” I asked.
“Gorgeous,” she said while staring at the water.
“Are you really falling in love with him, Mum? I’m so confused. You’ve changed so much. I need to know the truth.”
“Ha! No. Of course not, Killian. Everything I’ve been doing… It’s been for this day. It’s the only way I could get him to let us out here, together.” For a long time, she stared at the sea, and I at her.
“You promise?”
That’s when she turned her eyes to me. “Yes, Killian. I promise. Us Keenans are known to only fall down the rabbit hole of love once. That’s why all your uncles andaintinsavoided the hell out of it and accepted being engaged to strangers. It’s dangerous.”
I wrinkled my eyebrows not understanding half of what she was saying.
“Falling in love, honey.” She cupped my cheek. “Falling in love is dangerous. It’s like that tide coming in. It can drown you.”
“But love is good right? That’s why you like all those romantic movies?”
“Love is the best thing you’ll ever feel in your life but you have to be careful not to end up like Romeo and Juliet.”
“Those were twogobshites. And that priest.” I shook my head while Mum laughed hard.
“Seriously, what the feck. He had one job.”
“You’re a riot, Killian.” As her laugher calmed, she adds, “Yeah, that’s the thing about love though, it makes you stupid.”
Months after the Massacre
As Uncle and Mum acted more and more like a normal family, I felt I was losing something very important. Pretending was tearing me away from who I used to be, making me forget, confusing me as to what was real or not.
She’d go shopping a lot to buy clothes for herself and for me, then she’d plant new flowers or just read romance novels by the pool. “Isn’t it amazing, Killian?” she asked when I walked up to her one day. She was lying on a pool bed, the sun slowly pinkening her skin and adding a glow to her tan. I’d never seen her skin look like that. She wore a white hat with a giant brim. She was radiant, like a model who belonged on a fancy magazine. “Here, no one knows who we are. No one cares. As long as we have money, no one will bother us. It’s good, isn’t it?”
I studied her, but I couldn’t see her eyes because she was wearing big fancy sunglasses. At the store when she’d bought them, she said she liked them because they made her look like Jackie O. I had no idea who that was, but the name stuck with me.
Again, there was that uncertainty. Was she pretending? So, we had to hide who we were to be treated fairly? I liked being an Irish Traveller. I was proud of whatherfamily had been and how we’d lived beforehekilled them. How long was I going to have to hide the truth? Who did I have to hide this from? Everyone but her? “It’s nice, Mum. But when do we go back hom—”
“Shh… Killian!” she chastised, scanning the area with urgency. I didn’t know what the fuck she was looking for. “Killian… come here.” She extended her arms, wiggling her fingers, calling me. When I stepped into her space, she kissed my forehead andhugged me. I loved that my head fit into the crook of her neck and the way her arms could wrap around my body and somehow make me feel same and at home no matter where we really were. “I—We can have a better life here, honey. We don’t have to worry anymore. Don’t you like it here? He’s softened up hasn’t he? Now we can go out, do whatever we want. Look how beautiful.” I turned to what she was pointing to—the pool, gardens, and rocks before the ocean view.
“But I thought—Don’t you want to get out of here, Mum?”
“Yes, of course I do, honey, but…” She seemed at a loss for words. “This is our new home, and it’s a beautiful, safe, warm, loving home.”
Safe?My eyes bugged out. The word had shocked me silent. My entire body rang like a church bell. If I could, I wouldn’t spend one more minute in that house. What the hell was happening to her? Was she losing her mind? Was this even my mother? I took a step back to confirm that what was before me was real.
“Oh, there you are.” His voice startled me. For the first time since I’d initially seen him, he looked truly happy, almost to the point of goofiness. “Look what I got.” He rushed to the pool bed on the other side of Mum’s and sat. He kissed her while pretending I was not there, ignoring me, so I lay on the pool bed next to hers. Suddenly, all Mum’s attention was on him, and I didn’t exist anymore. I’d been once again shoved into the cold, dark side of the moon.
He handed her the paper. After a few seconds of reading, a short squeal shot out of her, and as she bounced on the chair and giggled. He cupped her face and kissed her. His tongue slipped into her mouth. I was so disgusted, I turned my head away while grimacing, resisting gagging. It was the first time I’d seen him do that. I was surprised Mum didn’t fight him or stop him, and I wondered what to do.Should I hit him? Pull him away fromher?She’d never cheated on Da. Was this her pretending so we could have new privileges?
“Go buy a wedding dress today. We’ll get married tomorrow at sunset.”
I faced them again, with my mouth and eyes gaped wide open. Married? What did this mean?
I saw it, though—the second she hesitated, at a loss for words—then she nodded and smiled. There was not much I was grasping but at least I knewthatsmile was fake. As young as I was, I could read Mum better than I could any of her romance novels. She’d been the only constant in my life. I knew this was all going too fast for her as well. It wasn’t just me. That afternoon, we walked from fancy store to fancy store looking for her dress.
